January 6, 2007
Requiem for the Senator
Whatever happened to the Senator?
Well, that's what they call a conundrum.
It was a feet thing.
Around 1971, when the old man was 46 or so, he went on one of his mystical fishing trips. Lefils Fish Camp, outside of Titusville, Florida, it was. As always. Trout fishing.
These were apparently bacchanals of some nature, Lefils being a Potemkin Village for his nefarious antics. Cover, if you will. I think it was how my father Blew Off Steam. I can recall vacationing with my aunt while the Senator had his brother, her husband, on one of these events, and the phone calls and crying jags were legendary. She was sure the old man was corrupting that most corruptible of peoples. Ah. Well. Bacchanals, they were, I sense. I won't speculate beyond that.
As I recall, and my memory buds are hazy on this, incredibly, the Senator returned from this particular fishing trip with blistered toes. Whether this was due to external or internal causes I likewise claim amnesia. I don't think the cause was ever actually explained to us kids. It just was.
The blistering did not improve, and the old man found himself hospitalized, the situation grave. I do recall the conversation where it was said the feet would most likely have to be removed, as the toes had become grangenous. I believe this was due to poor circulation from a heart condition, pre-onset adult diabetes, and formidable binge drinking. Yus, they were going to lop those feet off.
Then, as part of some diagnostic ritual, the old man was given a nerve block. I think it was to alleviate pain, however the adminstration was fucked up, and the actual situation involved massive internal bleeding and unimaginable pain. Which the Senator bulled through stoically until my mother realized his ashen demeanor and profuse sweating belied incredible suffering.
The nerve block was removed, and at some point the amputations were avoided, and the old man went home. I can only surmise that my inability to recollect much of this has to do with the fact I was 14, and sick and tired of the old man. We were at loggerheads. Also, my insane fear of hospitals meant I spent as little time there as possible. I probably missed a few family councils.
The upshot was the Senator came home, but he'd lost about a hundred pounds, and gone from a robust, ruddy titan to a hollowed out old man. At 46 he looked 66. A very weak 66. And his powerful personality was snuffed. Days of excrutiating pain coupled with delirium tremens had sapped his will to live.
Insult to injury? His doctor recommended he retire. Which he did. And so what would have kept him engaged and functioning he willingly stripped himself of. And sank, inexorably, into the comfort of the bottle.
The next years were a slow descent. Into a maelstrom, both for him and we few still left at home. The Senator had morphed into The Husk. Very sad stuff.
I don't share this as maudlin entertainment, or justification. It just was. I never got along with my father. I think we loved each other, but that conversation never took place, so I can't be sure, really.
Here's something, though: I asked the Senator to be the best man at my wedding. And he did. He was sober, and lucid, and imperious, and wonderful, but the fact is he was a thousand miles away at the time. His brain was for the ages by then.
He never said it was an honor, he never said it was a travail. He just did it because I asked him to. As close as I ever got to him. I will say he was sober, and I will say he was sober the last few years of his life after that. So I have that.
I think, in retrospect, we shared a hell of a lot of stubbornness. I also think, should the Senator be alive today, he'd want to go a rattlesnaking with me.
He was crazy like that.
My own dad died when he was 46. I was 25. I was just getting to know him. Only 2 months before was the first time I ever remember him telling me he loved me.
You just dredged up some old memories is all.
Thanks for that.
Damn.
Posted by: og at January 6, 2007 10:34 PMThat was incredibly depressing and poignant at the same time, like a darker version of that movie with Jackie Gleason & Tom Hanks.
Life is like that, I suppose.
Posted by: Erica at January 7, 2007 12:22 AMNarcissists and drunks (redundandt?) don't have relationships- they take hostages.
Posted by: Wall at January 7, 2007 3:14 AMThis gives me a very different view of your relationship with your father than I had from previous posts.
Wall - spot on the "take hostages".
I'm sorry that I only got to meet him well after his rambunctious phase. Then again, maybe not.
I think you should go for the Claxton rattlesnake roundup. Better location, we could deploy from Statesboro or Savannah. Plus, I can't make Whigam, other commitments and all that.
Posted by: rankin' rob at January 7, 2007 10:19 AMIt's a hard thing. This past December marked the 11th anniversary of my dad's untimely death and while I've come to terms with it for the most part, I still feel like there's a lot that will remain forever unresolved. That so many things will remain unsaid just saddens and infuriates me.
Posted by: zonker at January 7, 2007 1:06 PM... my Pa checked out way too early too.... 55 is too damn young to suffer and die....
Posted by: Eric at January 7, 2007 3:27 PM'memory buds'. I like that. A lot. Speaks to me.
Posted by: Bane at January 7, 2007 4:25 PMNice... It speaks to me. Good luck snake huntin' man. Last time I checked, I've still got both feet. Had to open my mouth to make sure though...
You're at your Southern Gothic best here. Fortunately for me, although I grew up in the South and my father died his untimely death a year ago, we avoided that dark relationship full of unspoken feelings.
Posted by: Jack at January 7, 2007 11:26 PMThat was really poignant. Father relationships are always so textured. I was probably the difficult child for my father to deal with. He was fond of saying "I just don't understand you!" Which was really funny, since I'm exactly like him.
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