July 24, 2008

Looking for Lizardheads


The carousel bar at Circus Circus Casino.

That is all.

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July 18, 2008

My Favorite Hippie

Anybody gives Neil shit answers to me. And, oh: any of you homos touches me, I'll kill you.

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July 17, 2008

My Own Katyn Forest

Okay, okay. I'm tired of the buttrape post, too. How's this?


That a shroom from the back woods. I've seen guys like that in the showers before. Fucking pitiful, it is. Poor bastards. I think some of those guys even had a sweat bee crawling up the side like this one.

What's this, you say?


Why, it's another tree stump, ain't it, Velociman?

Well, yes and no. I've been working at knocking it down, and it used to be twicet that size, but it's really a mass grave. Prolly a dozen squirrels buried in the low spot. I let the disgusting rodents have the run of the forest until they sample from the bird feeder. But then they're like junkies after they've tasted the fruit of the forbidden tree. You have to whack them. Otherwise the cardinals and chickadees and nuthatches and titmice sit in the branches overhead and sing songs of lamentation instead of joy, because the rats squirrels hog their feeder. After I shoot them they fall near the shallow part of the stump, so I just fill in with a coupla shelvasful of dirt. I hate it, but Obama Mufasa informs me it's okay, it's just the Circle of Life.

I fear the spot is morphing into the squirrel equivalent of an Indian burial mound, however. The soil trembles at night, sometimes, the branches moan, and I see the visage of Iron Eyes Cody in the toilet water when I pee latenights.

I also keep dreaming zombie squirrels are clawing at my window at night. Or maybe not zombie, but incompletely slain. Hard to tell with dreams, but I know they want my coursing blood and vital sweetmeats.

So hey! How about that pecker-shaped mushroom?

Posted by Velociman at 6:28 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

July 10, 2008

Pulp Friction

Okay. I find this pretty fucking disturbing. If not downright arousing:

Wisconsin Man Accused of Chaining and Sexually Assaulting 2 Men

WISCONSIN RAPIDS, Wisconsin — A 46-year-old man abducted two men in their 20s, chained them up at his rural house and sexually assaulted them before one managed to escape and get help, according to court documents filed Wednesday.

Edward Lanphear, 46, was ordered held on $1 million bond, but court records online did not show charges filed against him as of Wednesday evening. The Wood County jail confirmed he remained in custody but would not release any attorney information for him.

A 23-year-old man was held in Lanphear's home from Saturday until Tuesday, according to an affidavit filed by sheriff's investigators seeking support for Lanphear's arrest. The young man had told friends Friday that he was going to walk home after a fireworks show, the Wisconsin Rapids Daily Tribune reported.

Lanphear was driving the man home when he pulled over, told him he was a police officer and handcuffed him, the affidavit said.

When one of the handcuffs became loose, Lanphear hit the man in the head and knocked him out, the document said. When the man revived, he was chained up in Lanphear's basement.

The affidavit said Lanphear used a knife to cut off the man's clothing and sexually assaulted him at least three times while he was restrained.

The document says Lanphear attached a string to a shotgun and connected the string to the man's chains, warning him that if he moved the gun would shoot him, the affidavit says.

Another affidavit says that sometime Sunday or Monday a 21-year-old man got drunk at a Wisconsin Rapids bar and passed out in his car, then later woke up naked and hanging in Lanphear's garage by locked chains.

He told authorities Lanphear hit him with a metal pipe and sexually assaulted him. His hands were bound by chains and flex cuffs, and he was blindfolded, the affidavit says.

The man somehow escaped and fled, still wearing chains, to a house across the street, where people there called police. Officers who went to the scene found the 23-year-old in the basement.

The 23-year-old was taken to a hospital and treated for injuries, but the affidavits don't give information about medical treatment of the other man.

The 21-year-old man identified his captor, saying Lanphear frequented the same Wisconsin Rapids bar, the documents said.

Alright, just kidding about the arousing thing. But Jebus. It's too bad he chained one guy in the basement and one in the garage. I'd have loved to overhear that conversation.

"How long you been here?"

"Three days. Fucks you every day, too."


Well, as that famous Quaker said, Better thee than me. But I can't believe that guy called the cops. They have shotguns, blowtorches, and pliers in Wisconsin, don't they?

That fucker would have begged for Torquemada going to work on him instead of me.

Posted by Velociman at 6:38 PM | Comments (19) | TrackBack

July 8, 2008

I Compensate Again


No, that's not Long Dong Silver giving Barack Obama the high salute. What it is, is a Savage 12 gauge shotgun, tricked out at the factory with a variable Poly-Choke and a Cutts Compensator.

My old man's gun. I shoot it pretty regularly, keep it clean. But you can't show up at a hunt with some pimped out rig like that. You'd be laughed out of there.

They don't abuse weapons like that anymore. It's a fun thing to play with, though, what with the variable choke and all. Crank it tight to kill one zombie, upon 'er up to try for three.

It also makes an excellent faux Negro penis if you need a quick Obamulatto post. Like now.

Maybe I should just unscrew it, throw it in my trou, and drive down to Athens.

Hope! he cried.


Posted by Velociman at 9:32 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 3, 2008

Independence Day

Happy 4th, Insipids. I normally don't do holidays here, but the 4th is kinda special to me. So I'll give you this:

Personally, I don't care for it. In fact, I think James Cagney was as queer as a three dollar bill. Not that there's anything wrong with that, unless you happen to be on the unwilling receiving end of that three dollar bill. See, viz. Jesse Dirkhising.

My idea of Independence Day would include hanging some deserving politicians from a few cottonwood trees whilst we ate wallermillions.

But that's just me.

Enjoy yerselves. And don't blow your fucking fingers off.

Posted by Velociman at 9:31 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

July 2, 2008

Road Trip!

I'm not gonna lie to you: I've seen some weird shit roaming this country, and especially this state. I usually post you a picture, too. But someone mentioned Stuckie the Petrified Dog in Waycross at lunch today, and I'd forgotten all about him. How the fuck do you forget that?!?!

Heard about it years ago, but now I drive through Waycross all the time, and never thought about Stuckie.

Seems he was a hunting dog that got stuck in a tree hollow 40 or so years ago, and some kind of Quikrete mummification went down.

God Almighty, I have to see that.

Here's the only pic I could find of Stuckie. Anybody who wants to go visit, let me know. You know where to find me, unfortunately.


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