November 28, 2012

Snot is the New Spoor

I've been noticing something for a few years. In general, the willingness of women to degrade themselves. Through illegitimate whelps to wretched body art to piercings to, finally, a rather boastful obesity that I never saw in my youth. Women have become, quite literally, pigs. Enormous, tattooed, uncouth pigs.

It's all attention-grabbing, of course. Which is what feminine wiles have been since time immemorial. But now it is to seek each others' attention. Women don't need men anymore, anyhows. Except for perverted Uncle Sam. No, they attention-grab for each others' attention. As someone who has been in work environments more female than male for the last four years I am astonished at the covens of vulgarity around me. It is repulsive.

But please allow me to explore one tiny area that disaffects my soul: the common sneeze. Now, I'm embarrassed to sneeze in public. And I always carry a handkerchief. Because: diseases, damn it. For the majority of my life if you sneezed in public you at least covered your offending nostrils, so as not to infect your fellowman.

Women now seem to take great relish in unprotected sneezing. It is boorish behavior. And the worst of it is the sounds. When a man sneezes one hears something akin to an Atchoo! When a female sneezes these days one is inundated with all manner of horrid screechings, shrieks, yelps, howls, barks, squeals, and ululations. All without benefit of hankie, all without shame.

I know what this is. They are marking their territory. Each female must out-bark the other's sneeze. Not marking territory for a man. They don't need a man. There is always some guy, no matter how far down the food chain, who will fuck them. Dirty Uncle Sam will fix all the other problems, such as the aforementioned whelps. No, they are establishing their own pecking order. One that is built upon outdisgusting the other females. I honestly think their heirarchy is built upon the size of their respective muffin-tops and chunkrolls.

I don't want your snot, and I don't want your cooties. Here's a little advice: it's a damned sneeze, ladies. Be mindful of the fact you may sneeze, have a kerchief handy, and show some decorum. It's a fucking sneeze, ladies. You aren't giving birth. Control yourselves. No barking like a dog to outbark your buddy. No high-pitched shrieks designed to make you the center of attention. For my attitude is like Reverend Wright's: Not God Bless You, but God Damn You! Take your Ebola elsewhere.

I realize I am painting with a rather broad brush here, but I ask you to notice the impudence and lack of hygiene the next time a woman sneezes. It is a rancid little microcosm of the complete defeminization of the distaff side of humanity. Something the male half has tolerated, I may add.

I for one am boycotting ink and chunkrolls going forward. A small gesture, to be sure. But one may as well start somewhere. I'm also wearing a SARS mask to work. Because fat girls outfarting each other is right around the corner.

Posted by Velociman at November 28, 2012 8:29 PM

See anything you like?

Posted by: 08nagaer at November 28, 2012 10:09 PM

Well said Vman. American wimmin today,especially the youngsters, are the uncouth pigs us guys were in my youth before our drill instructors knocked some decorum into us. Fat rolls, tattoos and skin tight outfits used to be the realm of exccons but now adorn what passses for an American "lady" nowadays. Gives a whole new meaning to the term "Broads". Frank Sinatra must be rolling over in his grave....

Posted by: IrishEd at November 28, 2012 10:12 PM

Velociworld--the place to go for all the latest cutting-edge social trends, goddamnit.

Posted by: Mike James at November 29, 2012 2:27 AM

"Because fat girls outfarting each other is right around the corner."

THAT, my friends, is the Internet Quote of the Week. Well done, sir!

Posted by: Scott at November 29, 2012 8:45 AM

Fat girls outfarting each other?

You, Sir, are behind the curve. These days, they are attempting to outdo each other in terms of the mass and fragrance of the steaming Turd-Piles they leave upon the dining room table. It's the new Mud-Wrestling, don'tcha know.

Posted by: Elisson at November 29, 2012 5:22 PM

I meant in public. What happens at Chez Elisson ain't none of my business.

Posted by: Velociman at November 29, 2012 6:09 PM

An unusual review! He greatly expanded my horizons!

Posted by: royalessays at November 29, 2012 7:20 PM

You expanding your asshole with a saguaro?

Posted by: 08nagaer at November 29, 2012 9:50 PM

My son had a term for the "females" to whom you refer. He called them "Shitty looking, Rivet Lipped Skanks." Accurate, no?

Posted by: Gerry N. at November 29, 2012 11:43 PM

Posted by: johnB at November 30, 2012 4:50 AM

When you serve up a slowball over the center of the plate, it should hardly be a surprise when V-Man smacks that fucker right over the center field wall.

Well played, douchebag. ;P

Posted by: Elisson at December 1, 2012 4:49 PM

"I ask you to notice the impudence and lack of hygiene the next time a woman sneezes."

Well then, Mr. Universe, am I to suppose you sneeze pure Clorox?

Posted by: Erin O'Brien at December 2, 2012 5:53 AM

every little sneeze seems to whisper 'Louise'

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Posted by: buy research paper online at December 4, 2012 2:31 AM

I always carry a handkerchief and a few paper towels as well. One hankie has Smoky Bear on it, the other, the Jacksonville Suns. The paper towels are for when I'm afield in
Baker County.

Posted by: Mockingbird at December 4, 2012 6:38 PM

truly cool

Posted by: at December 6, 2012 5:14 AM

Well, I'd hate to try & speak for the rest of womankind, but I fucking HATE to let loose with a full-on sneeze. Cannot abide the notion of spraying out a myriad of germs & viral particles to be wafted about through the ventilation system to the detriment of all & sundry. In fact, I have often been chastised for choking off a sneeze -- "Dontcha know you can collapse a lung doing that???" Sneezing into a handkerchief is almost as bad, as you're bound to get said viral particles on your hand as well and then smear them on the next doorknob, telephone or keyboard that you touch. My place of employment currently espouses sneezing into one's sleeve rather than hand in an attempt to keep those bits from going airborn, along with constant hand washing and copious applications of hand-san.

Posted by: Marianne at December 8, 2012 2:44 AM

Geez, I guess there's never been a hanky in Cleveland to understand the process.

Posted by: Craig Hughes at December 9, 2012 11:03 AM

When did young women stop covering their yawns? Or is this just an Athens thing?

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