December 9, 2009
On Turning a Tiger into Butter
...and other racist iconography...
I wasn't going to traffic in any schadenfreudesque (that couldn't possibly be a word) jabs at Tiger Woods. The fellow is taking a long hard fall from grace, and it surely sucks to be in a place where no amount of money can rescue you from global humiliation and shame. He will literally have no where to run, no where to hide, for the rest of his days. He will be the butt of a thousand jokes.
I am curious about two things, however: first, forget the pre-nup. Didn't this guy think to have the postprandial sipping of the cognac conversation that goes Babe, you realize of course that as the hottest athlete in the world, with a half-billion in the bank, I'll be sticking my cock in all kinds of strange places, don't you?
Well, I would. Seems only fair. Plus, you get a glimpse of the potential for skull damage well in advance.
The other thing is, yes his wife is a classic Nordic beauty. His flings? Good God, what a feral pack of sleazy, Floam-tittied jezebels.
Tiger apparently suffers from a slattern pattern: party hags breast-juiced to the point of translucent varicose veinage, with bodies only fairly hot due to the graces of youth, and all with rather odd facial anomalies. A weird crooked nose here. Acneal scarring there. A bit of an overbite right ch'eah. Capped teeth.
Surely Li'l Tige has been to a proper gentleman's club once or twice, and seen what USDA Prime looka like. Apparently the lad likes the down-and-dirty scooter trash look. Passing strange, that.
But as Johnny Mathis advised us, It's Not For Me To Say. And as Oscar Wilde admitted, I can resist everything but temptation.
Still, for the stakes involved, I believe I would have been able to resist scub ugly.
Exhibit A:
I rest my case.
Um... she had a great personality? Witty? Humorous?
She could suck peanut butter through a straw?
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 9, 2009 7:47 PMBROTHER, you hit the nail on the head on this one for me - the skank factor is the biggest puzzle of all to me in this whole messed up deal.
Posted by: Dan from Madison at December 9, 2009 8:15 PMNo kidding.
For a guy who could've bought The Bunny Ranch lock, stock, and barrel -- in cash -- I find his taste in paramours rather, ahem, odd.
De gustibus non est disputandum, and all that...
Posted by: Grumpy Old Ham at December 9, 2009 9:25 PMDidn't he grow up well below his present social standing? You can take the boy out of the trash...then again, I reckon not.
Posted by: OA at December 9, 2009 9:25 PMFine. I'll say it.
That girl fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Posted by: Mark at December 9, 2009 9:51 PMAm I the only one to get the "butter" reference and pun in the title, btw?
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 9, 2009 11:09 PMAm I the only one to get the "butter" reference and pun in the title, btw?
You know that the younger generations aren't allowed to read that book, Joan. It probably isn't even published anymore.
Posted by: Robert at December 9, 2009 11:29 PMMy Elder Daughter knew that book by heart as an (exceptionally verbal) eighteen-month-old. When we flew to Atlanta for our househunting trip, she even recited the whole book, verbatim, to the young African-American girl sitting next to her.
The Missus and I, we didn't know whether to laugh out loud or crawl under our seats...
Posted by: Elisson at December 9, 2009 11:58 PMTry E. Shaver in Savannah. They were still selling it last time I was in there.
Posted by: Belinda at December 10, 2009 12:04 AMOh, so the butter reference didn't have to do with Marlon Brando or anything?
Posted by: Erica at December 10, 2009 8:28 AMI loved that book as a kid. No, you probably can't buy "Little Black Sambo" any more. Talk about your racist literature!
Posted by: MorningGlory at December 10, 2009 9:19 AMI had to look it up. There's an interesting entry for the book at Wikipedia, and you can download the illustrated version from Project Gutenberg.
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/17824
Well, the double entendre has to do with the fact that the woman in question has a Butter Face.
Google it.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 10, 2009 9:38 AM"He will literally have no where to run, no where to hide, for the rest of his days. He will be the butt of a thousand jokes."
Yep, you're probably correct. He is most likely "done". I don't give a shit who he's tagging...I really don't, but I do worry about all the young people he has inspired. I really don't...fucking...care.
Maybe he'll have enough cash left to buy a private island in the Caribbean...where he can work on his swing in private...not that it will matter.
If I had a billion, and wanted to do some gliding...at least I would look for a real glidee...no skanks allowed.
I would want me a "real Juju Woman"..."a Pelvic Bruise Juju Woman"..."a Smart Juju Woman".
Fucker has "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick" bad tastes.
Brings new meaning to "Where the half-rubber meets the road".
Stupid motherfucker, he is.
Posted by: Yabu at December 10, 2009 10:11 AMHow can material from TMZ and other rags be considered valid information? Do you folks really believe all these women boinked Tiger or are they using the opportunity for publicity?
Who has confirmed all this information to be accurate?
Secondly, men have been messing around for centuries - this is not news!
Where went the days when a person's sex life wasn't splashed all over world? I'd like to go back to the days when what a man or woman does in their private life isn't media fodder for voyeurism.
I don't care who or what he screwed - it is his golf game that interests me.
Posted by: Vicki in GA at December 10, 2009 11:47 AMHey, a den mother! Have y'all made pine cone bird feeders yet this year, ma'am? Settin' up to be a cold winter...
Posted by: OA at December 10, 2009 12:35 PMReverend Al has hit a new low. Condemned Tiger's behavior - not for philandering, mind you, but for not displaying more racial diversity in his choice of mistresses.
Posted by: PeggyU at December 10, 2009 1:12 PMNice to see you, Catfish.
As if white dudes don't have penis and taste problems...
:cough: Clinton :cough:
Posted by: baldilocks at December 10, 2009 4:10 PMJesus, Catfish. What the fuck was that?!?!
Posted by: Velociman at December 10, 2009 4:12 PMAs BMC Stanley P. Smith once observed, "There is no such thing as an ugly woman, some are just barely pretty." That lady is just barely pretty.
Posted by: Roger at December 10, 2009 4:19 PMMust likely something kinky. Butt to mouth stuff would be my bet. Something that that Nordic chic wouldn't even doo. I said doo.
Posted by: JohnB at December 10, 2009 5:31 PMBaldilocks: ummm :cough: McGreevey :cough: ;)
Posted by: PeggyU at December 10, 2009 9:50 PMWas the unfiltered Catfish outta his pond again??!!
I missed it, I guess.
Can we blame it on his pain meds?
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 11, 2009 5:19 PMApparently the lad likes the down-and-dirty scooter trash look.
The 'skank' factor is far too easy to figure.
If they aren't 'competition' for the wife/mother of my children then I'm not really cheating.
Posted by: ThomasD at December 11, 2009 8:30 PMHey, joo doan need to SEE a blowjob mang.
Posted by: Jose Feliciano at December 12, 2009 9:13 AMWhy the expression "butter faced"? Because it makes your stomach churn, or what? Just curious.
Posted by: PeggyU at December 13, 2009 2:16 PMPeggy, "but her face".
Posted by: OA at December 14, 2009 8:22 AMThuohgt it wouldn't to give it a shot. I was right.
Posted by: Coralie at November 23, 2011 7:33 PM