Velociworld

The Other New Jesus

I'm not really sure why they're calling that BCS game in January a "national championship game." It will feature #1 versus #3. The regular season is over, and the real national championship game is today: #1 versus #2. Florida vs. Alabama. Fuck a bunch of Texas backing into a title game in January.

I'm rooting for Alabama because Georgia sucked penises this year and, well, memories of the Bear. Plus Florida is a bunch of homos. In fact, theirs was one of the penises Georgia sucked.

I'll be playing the Tim Tebow drinking game:

In honor of Tebow's sheer awesomeness, we give you the Tebow
SEC Championship Drinking Game!

* Drink every time Tebow is called "a warrior."

* Drink every time Tebow's called "a leader," then salute.

* Drink every time Tebow's called a "special athlete," then yell
"Tiiiimmmmmmmmay!"

* Finish your drink if the announcers suggest Tebow should win the
Heisman again this year.

* Drink every time Tebow points to the sky. Then realize the only
reason the sky hasn't fallen is the strength of his pointing.

* Drink every time Tebow references God. Or himself.
Tom-A-to.Tom-ah-to.

* Drink every time he's shown on the sidelines flapping his arms
like a bird (or an idiot) to pump up the crowd.

* If (when) Tebow actually takes flight, finish your drink and do a
shot.

* Drink every time Tebow's on camera for no reason when the Florida
defense is on the field.

* Drink every time Tebow is seen screaming with his helmet off.

* Drink every time they show a "I Heart Tebow" sign in the stands.

* Drink every time you see a Florida fan in jorts. (Small sips on
this one. Otherwise it could kill you).

* Shot every time they mention his experience as missionary.

* If they mention him performing circumcisions in the Philippines
while he was a missionary - Chug your beer, do a shot of Patron.

I should be pretty well obliterated by the end of the first quarter.

My nephew Tyler says "I'll be playing Guess the Eye Black Bible Verse. You have to guess which over-used, pompous, self-promoting bible verse he uses on his eye black to compare himself to Jesus each week. "

Tyler is guessing Isaiah 9:6:

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Or possibly Revelations 22:13:

I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.

I'm pretty sure Obama is upset about this pretender to the throne. I call for a cage match in God's Octagon, also known as Dick Cheney's back yard.

Oh, yeah: Alabama 27, Florida 24.

H/T Belinda and Scott for the Tebow game.

1st QUARTER UPDATE: 9-0 Tide. The mood is one of cautious optimism. I am cautiously optimistic. At least Florida got rid of the queer helmets:

It is oft mocked as the Sunkist helmet:

Not exactly light in the loafers, just... feathery.

2nd QUARTER UPDATE: I can't make out Tebow's eye black Bible verse. John16:3-something. Probably 16:31: Jesus answered them: do ye now believe?

Pretty much sums it up. You know, I'm not much of a conspiracle theorist, but I find it passing strange that Tebow plays for a guy named after a long line of controversial popes. Urban VIII, for instance: he not only had a famous dust up with Galileo over heliocentrism, he also excommunicated people for tobacco use. He thought the sneezing it caused too closely resembled sexual ecstasy.

Just like Tebow.

Oops: It's John 16:33: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...I have overcome the world.

Indeed. God just texted me. He's upset with Tebow's Simon Cowell haircut. Says it looks like they're planning to plant a row of corn down the center of their skull.

Oh, yeah: 12-3 Tide.

HALF TIME UPDATE: 19-13 Tide. To the locker rooms: coaches and coordinators will swear and curse. Chalkboards will be scribbled upon. Adjustments will be made. The true measure of a team is how they react, how they adjust. Like me. I adjusted. Switched to an adult diaper, hell, I can shite myself and not miss a play at this point.

Which fact brings us full circle back to the mood of cautious optimism, don't it?

3rd QUARTER UPDATE: 26-13 Tide. But Alabama is about to score...

32-13 Alabama.

4th QUARTER UPDATE: Apparently being Jesus isn't enough these days. Bama ruled this game from start to finish. That's a fact. Now: who wins the Heisman? Mark Ingram deserves it, but Colt McCoy will win because he's a quarterback. And a white boy.

RACISTS!

Posted by Velociman at December 5, 2009 2:15 PM | TrackBack