Velociworld: Here's a Creepy Story, Plus: Buy my Book!

August 7, 2009

Here's a Creepy Story, Plus: Buy my Book!

I meant to comment on this the other day, but I forgot to because I was busy giddily hammering the refresh button on my Lulu page watching sales of my bestseller climb from 7, to 8, to 9! It merits mentioning, however:

RYAN O'NEAL HIT ON DAUGHTER TATUM AT FARRAH'S FUNERAL

"I had just put the casket in the hearse and was watching it drive away," O'Neal, 68, said, "when a beautiful blond woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me -- Tatum!

There's creepy, and then there's fucking creepy. And then there's Ryan O'Neal. Obviously, he claims he didn't recognize his own daughter, and I believe him:

"I don't think I was supposed to be a father," said the actor, who had Tatum, 45, and Griffin, 44, with first wife Joanna Moore; son Patrick, 42, with actress Leigh Taylor-Young; and son Redmond, 24, with Fawcett.
"Just look around at my work -- they're either in jail or they should be," O'Neal said.
He said Redmond, who is in jail for violating probation on drug charges, is the only child he still sees.
"I'm not in touch with them now," O'Neal said of his other kids. "And I've never been happier."

Classy guy. But I have to tell you: I could go ten years without seeing either of my daughters and I damn well guarantee you I'd recognize them. And I sure as hell wouldn't hit on anyone, much less ~~a girl young enough to be~~ my daughter at the funeral of my decades-long on-again off-again lover. But then, I'm not Ryan O'Neal. Hey, remember Love Story? Fucker sure seems to hang around a lot of dying women. I think he might be some exotic unnamed disease.

To the book: thanks to all who have purchased, all who have graciously pimped me without ever once threatening me with a mouthful of Drano for being a "hold out bitch", and all who intend to purchase, once I've worn them down. Perhaps I should hire ShamWow Vince to plug this for me. He can't do any worse than that excrutiatingly putrid Dell "Lollipop" commercial. To paraphrase Henry II: Will no one rid me of this meddlesome pitch?

And I truly wish the price was lower, but I of course had no control over that. No economies of scale in publish on demand. And they won't allow one to reduce the royalty because, with a minimum thirty day payout window, they're enjoying the interest float on that money. Still, A Trip of Goats is cheaper than:

1. The squirts!

2. That date night to see Waiting to Exhale at the theater. How'd that work out for you, by the way? Lookit, boys: If you're going to invest time and money on a chick flick for date night in the hopes of breaching the parapets of Pooder Palace, at least go see a harmless Nora Ephron movie with a cute meet, and a happy ending (not that kind). Don't waste it on a film denizened by bitter, bitchy women constantly complaining about how their old man done them wrong (and, eerily, by doing many of the things you yourself have done). Therein lies not Pooder Pleasure.

3. A month of endless reruns of Bee Movie on HBO.

4. That nightstand drawer full of Extenze and Enzyte you sprung for in the hopes of magically altering your manhood into Elston Howard's Louisville Slugger. That "pipe" dream that always ended in mutual frustration and acrimony, with her sulking in the guest bedroom, and you alone in the bathroom chanting It's a boy. That's a boy. Be a man. Stand up for daddy in some forlorn and godforsaken Nichiren Shoshu chant.

And don't forget the e-book option. It's cheaper than a six-pack of Moosehead, and I make a penny off those. Although I'm not sure if it's legal tender, because Lulu runs it through one of those coin flatteners that embosses something like "Ride the Tweetsie Railroad!" on it.

Actually, all things considered, I think this book is a damned good bargain in these uncertain economic times. I just might go see if they'll let me raise the price. That way the early adopters will feel vindicated. And I'll be able to get my drink on with higher quality skullpop.

To recap:

1) Ryan O'Neal is a fucking pig, and

2) Buy my book, dammit!

Posted by Velociman at August 7, 2009 5:34 PM

Comments

You can probably forget about ever selling one to Ryan.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at August 7, 2009 8:44 PM

Placed my order yesterday at noon, just now got an email from Lulu that it shipped today.

Posted by: Jean at August 7, 2009 9:50 PM

I'm sorry, but you're just too cute when you beg!

LOL!

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 7, 2009 9:54 PM

Fuck Ryan O'Neal

Fuck You and

Fuck Your Book...

(Mine's been shipped too)

Just Damn!

Posted by: Dax Montana at August 8, 2009 7:36 AM

How do I get a signed copy?

Posted by: vinny at August 9, 2009 5:27 PM

OK, I agree that this is gratuitous and obnoxious but here goes. O'Neill is one of the oldest and most-common names in Ireland (my mother's side of the family). There are so many pubs named O'Neill's that your first reaction is to think it's a chain. A not-so common variation of the name drops an "L" and becomes O'Neil. But if you look in the Dublin phone directory, you won't find many people named O'Neal. Here in the US, we have Ryan O'Neal and Shaquille O'Neal (A great athlete and a good guy, but what part of Ireland is he from?). I really wonder what Ryan O'Neal's real name is. Maybe some of his problems arise from his confused identity. Or maybe it's just all the booze.

Posted by: David Bowman at August 11, 2009 5:47 PM

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