May 17, 2009
Fantasy Channel
I've previously mentioned my distaste for the History Channel, or rather the fantasist circle jerk it has become. Oh, you can still find "historical" shows on now and then, but the lion's share of programming has morphed into fodder for the ecospastic, the misanthropic, and the plain old batshit crazy.
The reality shows are extremely vexing. Ice Road Truckers and Ax Men are vain attempts to capitalize on the nominal success of Discovery's Deadliest Catch. Unfortunately, long-haul driving across frozen tundra and Pacific Northwest logging are perhaps the most boring professions in existence. No amount of editing, splicing, scripting, or faux controversy can escape this fact. I suppose I could toss south Georgia turpentine collection and dirt farming out there as more quotidian, but I don't see these on the fall line up.
Far worse are tripe like Gangland and Life After People. Fucking bilge, this stuff. Gangland is just a foray into the putrid world of born losers, from biker gangs to Crips and Bloods to Latin Kings to every other assemblage of human detritus that operates a goddam meth lab from the trunk of a car. In my opinion providing a forum to this garbage is a crime in itself. While the show does not overtly attempt to glorify these subhuman vermin, it does allow them to vent about just how motherfucking bad ass they are in an endless loop. Disgusting shit. No normal person can possibly find this interesting, therefore the demographic they seek must be the wannbe gangbangers.
I don't begrudge the channel a one of two hour special on gangs, but a fucking series? What numbnut executive vice president of programming not only didn't pound the scrota of the imbeciles who pitched this with a rubber mallet, but actually greenlighted it? I'd love to see the Neilsens on this excrement. And that EVP's salary and bonus.
The worst, of course, is Life After People. This is nothing more than a thrill ride for the Earth Firsters and other ecoterrorists of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement who think mankind should be eliminated from the biosphere. Whereas the History Channel formerly had erudite scholars discussing serious issues they now have burned out, ponytailed hippie cocksuckers with titles such as "urban ecologist" rubbing their hands together, barely able to contain their glee, as they recount what will happen when humans disappear, and the traces of humanity from buildings to monuments to sacred texts and documents to the lowliest footprint are wiped clean from Gaia's mons pubis. It's a singularly disgusting bit of theater. Everyone involved in this putrescent spectacle should be ashamed.
Here's the other thing: these avuncular evolutionists, who decry the way in which we humans imperil the spotted owl or snail darter, refuse to accept habitat loss when embracing evolution. Whether the destruction of habitat occurs through logging or development or meteorite impact or volcano, loss is inevitable. Extinction is part of evolution. Those creatures that adapt and overcome flourish in the post-apocalypse. Others do not. It's been that way for eons. It's Gaia's way. In a sense, the environmentalist should embrace the extinction of the snail darter, for it portends the rise of a newer, more adapted, stronger species. Huzzah.
Of course, the only extinction these self-loathing dilettantes cheer is the eventual one of us. Which makes the urban ecologist's statement that he would LOVE to see the hawks take over the canopies of the crumbling skyscrapers of the post-human world as uber raptors just so much filth. Because you won't, will you, boy? It's really pornographic, this obsession with and hatred of one's own species. In hardier days I suspect these insipid pipesmokers would have been detected as the runts of the litter, and kicked aside, away from the suckling teat.
Ah, well. From the channel guide comes great jeremiads, I suppose. But I refuse to watch some life sciences professor from the University of New Mexico-Trinity Site lecture me on how fucking awesummus this indifferent orb will be without me. IFC's been showcasing Blue Velvet, for one thing. Frank and the boys may hate people, but at least they like to have them around. Being a victim at least still allows you to be.
Update: Cripplanche! As I've said, a link from Denny is worth 10 links from Wolcott plus a Matt Yglesias.
Update II: Vanderlink! Somehow Gerard always manages to find a sentence fragment in my post that doesn't expose me for the tail-chasing frothmonger I am. Or not.
Thanks. I hate that show.
Posted by: PeggyU at May 17, 2009 5:19 PMWell said and long over due. Every time I click past that channel I have to cuss a little bit. Who calls their channel the history channel and then put out the tripe they do which has nothing at all in common with history.
Now if I can only find an address for the cocksuckers so that I may send this to them.
I take "Life Without People" to indicate how important I am. Look what happens when I'm not here to run things.
Posted by: Belinda at May 17, 2009 6:04 PMOoops..sorry..."Life After People."
Posted by: Belinda at May 17, 2009 6:05 PMYeah. I can't bring myself to watch most of the crap on there however, I will take issue with your Ice Road Truckers summary.
The thrill lies not in the journey across frozen tundra, but across massive amounts of frozen water. Sure, there's the usual human drama...the losers, the winners, the haves and have-nots, but ashamedly I admit: It gains its audience from the most morbid amongst us who sit on tensed haunches awaiting the episode when finally, and at long last, some poor fucker and a truck goes crashing through the ice to his watery grave some 60 ft below said road.
It's not that we want to see someone die, no more than we wanted to see those hundreds of thousands die in the tsunami, but the worst of us is dying to see the mechanics of such an event: the crash, the plunge, the recovery.
And, what about that precious and pure clean environment? What will become of it with some sump pump of a truck sitting below?
Geez.
Looking back over what I just read, I feel a sudden urge to go to confession, and I'm not even Catholic.
Do we now profess to Obama?
Posted by: jmflynny at May 17, 2009 6:48 PMI haven't watched television in two years. Don't miss it a bit.
There's this fascinating thing called A LIFE that I've been developing in the meantime.
Here at The Confluence we've discussed a show called Life After the Steelers based on the equally improbable end of the NFL. The show contains what seem to be human beings intending to go about routine daily behavior but drift uncontrollably towards homicide and beyond until they begin to eat their young. Great barroom fodder.
Posted by: Dishonorable Schoolboy at May 17, 2009 9:52 PMI suppose that after we're gone, some new species of über-intelligent cockaroach will take over our crumbling oil refineries and nuclear reactors, using them to build the New Jerusalem... and, inevitably, there will be a small but obnoxious contingent among them who will speculate upon what things would be like on Earth After Roach...
Posted by: Elisson at May 17, 2009 10:02 PMDon't be so hard on these human-extinction prognosticators. Seems to me the end can't be too far -- the Rangers are on top of the AL West.
Posted by: Bob at May 17, 2009 11:37 PMBob: Really, it was more extraordinary when the Mariners were there. I knew it was too good to last.
Posted by: PeggyU at May 18, 2009 2:13 AMI had no idea the History channel went all P.C.
Maybe they're trying to clear our heads and build up to the most remarkable phase in earth's history. Spike Lee called it 'AB: After Barack.'
Obviously there's no better way to program reconstituted history than by airing a series on freakin gangbangers. Perfect for the newly installed Obama. I mean, who would choose Blue Velvet over that. (That's the Lynch mob watching IFC this week? Just asking.)
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor at May 18, 2009 2:19 AMI live in the far Pacific NW and come across these "Ax Men" types on a regular basis. They are generally speaking hard working, plain spoken men who, also generally speaking, drink to great excess, beat their spouses and anyone else within arms length for any number of reasons, view meth labs as a modern equivalent of moonshine stills, have bad teeth, worse hygiene, violent tempers...
All well and good but nothing particularly romantic or deserving of celebrity.
Be cool man...I'm getting my woman the DVD of the Ice Road Truckers and Ax Men.
I love that shit. I'm sure Hitler was driving one of those trucks and cutting down one of those trees.
I'm certain of it. The H channel rocks...
Posted by: Sam at May 18, 2009 7:07 AMWell put. But it's not just the History Channel that's no longer about history. All of cable TV has become a wasteland. Hence why I'm looking into severing my relationship with it altogether.
Posted by: rob sama at May 18, 2009 9:46 AMDamn shame, really. They used to have some pretty decent content.
Funny, I was just thinking about the VHEM beating their pathetic little peckers over those "Life after Humans" shows last night, when both Discovery and Nat'l Geographic channels were simultaneously broadcasting gleeful apocalyptia. I hadn't seen the History Channel series, but it doesn't surprise me.
At least there's the Science Channel, with "How It's Made" marathons. Industry and creativity, art and skill. Great human endeavors. And lathes. Man, I love watching lathes.
Posted by: apotheosis at May 18, 2009 11:19 AMThere can be no evolution without extinction.
Glad to hear about VHEM.
Posted by: james wilson at May 18, 2009 11:56 AMHell, I thought it was just me.
Posted by: vetfromhell at May 18, 2009 3:26 PMWe should euthanize the humanity-haters. I'm sure they would be greatful. Oh, and leave their bodies out to be eaten by the naminals they worship so much.
One comment about ice truckers: they appeared on Jay Leno's show, and he asked them whether global warming had affected their livelyhood. They looked at each other, shrugged, pointed out that in recent years they've had both "warm" and cold winters, and they then answered "no, not at all." Very revealing, considering the Arctic and sub-Arctic are supposedly being "devastated" by this "man-made" scourge.
Posted by: Don Rodrigo at May 18, 2009 5:26 PMI don't have cable. I miss all this stuff. (Or don't miss it, I suppose).
Posted by: Eric Blair at May 18, 2009 5:48 PMYou're dead on accurate. This History channel used to be good. In fact, one of the best. Now, it just sucks.
Posted by: Dick at May 18, 2009 8:50 PMThe worst one of all: The Obama Administration.
Posted by: Cappy at May 18, 2009 9:10 PMI agree with you 100%. They took of The Universe to put on Life After People. That's part of the reason I stopped watching, along with the "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE IN 2012" junk.
How many "disasters" have we survived that never even happened? My personal favorite was nuclear disaster with it's slogan, Duck and Cover. I remember having drills in elementary school, and even at that age I thought that it was bull@%!@.
Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper
Oh God, I SO want to forward this essay to The History Channel! I work in the television industry (on the engineering side) and have had this conversation with many other people I share the workday with. The History Channel has been going downhill for sometime now, and their goal is to placate the viewer with the lowest attention span. Bah!
Posted by: Jerry at May 19, 2009 9:56 AMJerry: You should - along with the comments. Let them know what the viewers really think.
Posted by: PeggyU at May 19, 2009 4:53 PMWell, here's some interesting clouds for your coffee. NBC is part owner in the History Channel. Remember, class? What's in the news right now. NBC's parent company is GE. GE is getting $2 Trillion in green money to develop whirlybirds and solar-powered pencils, in exchange for soft PR-style news coverage to TOTUS. Write away to the men in glass towers if you don't like the reality shows. History Channel is owned by A&E.
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Honest Abe... There is some crappy programming on the channel, but... it's been that way for me ever since they spun off their programming to make something out of the Military Channel. I used to love watching people shoot shit and blow stuff up. While I'm at military spin offs, what in God's name happened to Mail Call. That ol' dude could blow open a watermelon from 300 hundo with a slingshot, and enjoy it... Now, to me, that useful historical information. My truck ain't gonna run forever, and then, I'll croak and the critters will take over. My dogs will eat dogs li'ler than them, and crap on their bones. Mine too probably. I agree that life after humans horseshit is lame. Truth be told, which of us really gives a flyin' flip what happens after we're six feet deep pushin' up daisies? Maybe they ought to show that show on the Animal Channel, where it'd be appreciated.
Posted by: RedNeck at May 19, 2009 7:19 PMReminds me of the "Reasons for WWII" show they put on a couple of years ago; nothing said at all about the French"military action"in the Ruhr Valley in 1923; not to mention the "Reasons for WWI" show which they left out the invasion by (You guessed it) the French for Napoleon's genocidal campaign from years before, which Germany was still recovering from in killed defenders and civilians. The massive tariffs the French charged the Germans to ship goods from their ports.(Anyone ever heard of German poodles? No, because they were shipped from a French port, they became known as French poodles. After they became so fashionable in the U.S., France "Invented?" a history of exclusive breeding). The only time I saw a true Historical account of why do they fight was when they put on a show that mentioned The Crusades as one of the many reasons why the Arabic nations hate white men to this day. Sorry, was my turn to rant for a minute.
Posted by: Alfred at May 19, 2009 9:27 PMI never looked at "Life After People" as being just an enviro-weenies wet dream, but as something that was inspired by all the "doomsday" scenarios found in zombie movies, "I Am Legend", etc. I actually get a kick out of watching it since it shows how everything we build requires maintenance to survive, because otherwise nature will take it back.
My biggest complaints with HC are the UFO and "monster" shows, e.g. Bigfoot, Lochness Monster, etc. They also seem to be delving into comic book-style history too with some of their recent shows about ancient battles--I guess some producer saw "300" and still has a hard on.
Posted by: Dar at May 20, 2009 1:02 PMI failed to mention the UFO chaser show and Monster Quest. The saucer heads describing their anal probe abductions and the cryptozoologists stalking the woods looking for Bigfoot and Skunk Ape scat make the urban ecologists look like Nobel Laureates. Experts. Where would we be without them?
Posted by: Velociman at May 20, 2009 3:16 PMThe crappyness of "Life After People, the TV Show" is based on the surpirsingly quite good "Life After People, the Book" which contains very little of the "Earth First" crap and a lot of good, apolitical writing about a simple question of "what actually happens when humans are gone". It helps that the book also lacks the totally stupidly done voice-overs in the melodramatic "you'll pay for the entire seat, but you'll only need the edge!" voice.
Oh, also, "Life After People, the Book", wasn't really inspired by the doomsday movies. The other way around in fact. Much of the condition of NYC in "I Am Legend", for example, came from the research done in the book.
Having been a big fan of the book, particularly its more agenda-free approach, I was looking forward to the show. Big mistake. The show is terrible.
In addition to its other sins, the show also makes use of the "recap what we told you five minutes ago to pad out the episode" technique that ruined the Discovery channel.
Posted by: Wordman at July 28, 2009 3:53 PMAh. Mistakes. The book I'm thinking of is "The World Without Us", not "Life After People". It would explain a lot if the book had nothing to do with the series. D'oh!
Posted by: Wordman at July 28, 2009 3:58 PM