April 18, 2009
The Scent of a Woman
Is there anything more offensive, or disheartening, than a woman who does not understand her own body chemistry, or the subtle art of allure? I speak, of course, of women who do not understand how to properly use eau de parfum, and its lesser, bastard offspring, toilet water and cologne. I am routinely pelted by odors most egregious from distances that would take an artilleryman's knowledge to gauge.
A bit of housekeeping: Little old ladies who smell like lavender get a pass, because all little old ladies are supposed to smell like lavender. Otherwise you might make yourself vomit if you smelled a sexy aroma and turned around to see your decidedly unfecund Aunt Clara.
Also: I am not referring at this time to men, and their crude slatherings. That is for another day. I will just say that it is better that most men anoint themselves with some manner of malodorous bilgewater than not, because otherwise we would be subjected, ad hoc, to the smell of their unwashed armpits and unsanitary, shit-begrimed ass cheeks. In the instance I would prefer the dizzying redolence of a NASCAR-themed body splash, given my druthers. If that is what that smell in fact is. Of course, as a youngster in the late sixties the scents of the day were Old Spice for the old men, and English Leather or Hai Karate! for the younger swingers. Bouquets for the masses. That rancid Polo in the '70's was no better. But, as I said, this philippic is about the fairer sex, and the unseemly olfactory pummelling they insist on delivering. Some thoughts on the matter:
First: a woman should know her body. Only an Ellie May Bensey from Tobacco Road does not understand that essences interact differently with each person's body chemistry. Just because Midnight in Bedford-Stuyvestant smells great on your girlfriend does not mean it will interact similarly to your pheremones, or emanations. Chemicals are complex things. You could be producing Raid using that brand. And spritzing eight samples on your wrists at Saks will not provide a proper laboratory for testing. One scent at a time. Wait twenty minutes. And get an outside opinion, for Christ's sake.
Second: Minimalism! The proper penumbra for a scent is 12 to 18 inches. Anything over 24 inches and you are not subtly enticing a lover. You are chumming for sharks. With the equivalent of a rotting pork shoulder dangling from your neck. There is no reason for me or anyone else to smell you from halfway down the supermarket aisle, unless you are a whore. Allure is finespun, and insinuated. Perfumes are for the man who will be kissing your neck, or nibbling your earlobe. The faint wisp of your fragrance is entirely appropriate and appreciated in close settings, such as the office place, or a dinner with friends, but try not to permeate the entire waiting room of the local Grease Monkey franchise, unless you are into retarded and persistent suitors who call their coveralls fuck suits. Of course, if you are, that's totally fucking okay, and bon appetit!
Perhaps I am a bit too old school, but I'm tired of being gassed like a trenchfooted doughboy at every turn, by disgustingly cheap colognes. The powdery, medicated perfumes that make you turn your head and wonder if someone in the room has athlete's foot. If one cannot differentiate between your scent and Gold Bond perhaps you should reconsider your choice in smellivalescence.
Most fragrances are shit, of course. From the earliest days, when intrepid seamen drilled holes in harpooned cetaceans' heads to scoop out the precious ambergris, to today's compleatly synthetic aromas produced in black ops labs on New Jersey's Chemical Coast, the mass-marketed fragrances suck. To my senses there is still nothing as soft, enticing, and captivating as Chanel No. 5, a damned near ninety-year-old product. Or even 1977's Opium. Most things today reek of puppy farts and Masengil. It's a cruel shame.
Oh. Me? I prefer to go au naturel. If I do wear a scent it is Dolce & Gabbana, or Armani's Acqua di Giò. Delicately and parsimoniously administered, of course. Otherwise, I just might smell like Skidmark of the Loom. Or Ass Jockey. As I Twittered today (ha ha) my washing machine needs a Pot Scrubber setting for my underwears.
So in my case it's just a pity thing for my fellowpeeps.
My husband used to drown himself in Old Spice, and it made me gag. He was in his 20's when he used it, and I made him stop. I told him I thought it was cheap, old man perfume. Thanks for confirming that! I threw it out with the leisure suit. Did I mention he's fashion challenged?
I'm too much of a chickenshit to experiment with perfume. One's own nose is too easily saturated to be a reliable indicator of personal smell. I'll stick to soap, thanks, the less scented the better. The only thing I will confess a weakness for is some tangerine scented hand lotion that I found at the drug store.
Posted by: PeggyU at April 18, 2009 10:05 PMI've smelled ladies in an elevator that could knock a buzzard off a gut truck with their eternity and infinity and such.
My wife's chemistry is such most brands make her smell of ripe watermelons..which is not unpleasant unless you are walking through the wrong neighborhood.
Au-natural is the best. Most men's smellums have so much musk in them that you may as well use the stuff from cabelas.
Posted by: hammer at April 18, 2009 10:57 PMI like a woman to smell like she has just been fucked, you know, that true sex smell. Cat
Posted by: catfish at April 19, 2009 1:06 AMI like a woman to smell like she has just been fucked, you know, that true sex smell. Cat
Posted by: catfish at April 19, 2009 1:06 AMI like a woman to smell like she has just been fucked, you know, that true sex smell. Cat
Posted by: catfish at April 19, 2009 1:06 AMSo, I'm wondering how Cat likes his wimmens to smell. Anyone got a clue on that?
Posted by: Patton at April 19, 2009 3:16 AMI'm guessing au naturel, Patton. And is Cat the thread killer or the thread winner?
Posted by: Velociman at April 19, 2009 9:17 AMHe's got my vote for threadwinner.
Posted by: Randy Rager at April 19, 2009 10:14 AMCompleatly??? Who the fuck do you think you are, HP Lovecraft???
Posted by: rob sama at April 19, 2009 11:40 AMI wore Chanel No. 5 for many years, with many kudos and much success...heh. Until, a few years ago, people started asking me why I stopped wearing it.
Seems a woman's body chemicals change with the years. I did a bit of personal testing and now wear Coco Mademoiselle, also by Chanel, with even more kudos and success. (yay)
I only mention my new preference in case anyone needs to update their gift list.
Oh wait, I think I get it. You think you're George Will! I suppose you'll be decrying blue-jeans and Crocks next...
Posted by: Rob Sama at April 19, 2009 12:24 PMWearing the bow tie when I post affex my spelling.
Posted by: Velociman at April 19, 2009 1:25 PMPut the spider on...
Posted by: Sam at April 19, 2009 5:20 PMMen should smell faintly of good bourbon and fine tobacco.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at April 19, 2009 7:33 PMJoan nailed it! Yes, that is alluring. :)
Posted by: PeggyU at April 19, 2009 7:39 PMOne more thing,Joan - they ought to have the faintest whiff of campfire. Or is that just me?
Posted by: LauraB at April 20, 2009 10:20 AMWhy, this is the most enjoyable post I've seen from you in months: A treatise on Ladies' Stinkum. Brilliant...and packed with the sort of little Velocigems that will have me chuckling at the random hour like some sort of madman.
Fuck suits indeed.
Catfish, of course, nails it. Which is why I'm gonna market a perfume that carries the gentle pong of low tide, with a whiff of swimming-pool chlorine.
Posted by: Elisson at April 20, 2009 2:31 PMYou're funny.
Posted by: BoxxaRoxx at April 20, 2009 3:02 PMThat was a fun choice from the carousel of topics. Teresa Strasser just wrote that Meredith Vieira smells like 'powder, lilacs and poise.' I think you both are onto something. I really don't like lilacs or lavender, at least the scent.
I never wore perfume because I always thought it's impossible to gauge the effect of an unwelcome bouquet in someone's personal space. Otherwise, musk or vanilla is blissful. Or, with the mention of Chanel #5, makes me want to go out and get some of that. I use to indulge in Chanel makeup - fun and pretty but also pricey.
Otherwise, try it before you buy it is the way to go. I still give perfume for gifts and birthdays. Hmm... now I'm not so sure!
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor at April 20, 2009 4:03 PMI know it's a post about wimmen's anti-stinkum, but in your list of men's products, no mention of Aramis? Sir, you are foul. I mean that in a good Christian way... But we all know that Capt. Skiddy... Now the gumment tells me where I can smoke, and taxes the hell out of me for doing so, I'm goin' in for round two. I'm gonna burn their eyes out and bathe in Aqua Velva. Just like daddy did. Trust me, a stink tax is comin'... And I need to pay it, damnit.
Posted by: RedNeck at April 20, 2009 7:07 PMVermont Neighbor: Perhaps that was powder, lilacs, and Poise ... which I believe is the name of an adult diaper.
Posted by: PeggyU at April 20, 2009 7:41 PMI'm pretty sure Meredith Viera smells like gunpowder, Lileks, and porpoise, but that's just a guess. And a surefire tweet.
Posted by: Velociman at April 20, 2009 9:00 PMMeredith Vieira's snatch smells like unadulterated penguin vomit.
I prefer the scent of Budweiser on my wimmens.
Posted by: Cappy at April 20, 2009 10:18 PMPeggy, you're right. Poise has just that sound. The last really good one was Pamprin. Like suffering at the will of Mother Nature was a gratifying luxury.
I have to add one more observation on lavender. Bath & Body Works is one of those gifts you'll undoubtedly get (or give) when you don't know what else is good. Their sleep aid thing, a lavender chamomile soap, actually works. Hating lavender much, I avoided using it. The scent was okay, but from a marketing aspect I couldn't believe it would work. So I finally tried it and it did work, about the first 3 or 4 times anyway. Maybe I ended up getting used to it, but the sleep was crazy deep. No triple X here, I'm talking a calming, thorough decent sleep. With dreams. Not like settle-your-brain trauma dreams, but positive optimistic stuff. I'd never blog this crap as a stranger because it would read like a spammer. Anyway, very weird. So that's all on the lavender. Meredith and those other types can keep it for their power meetings.
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor at April 21, 2009 3:16 PMVelociman, hope you're having fun w/ Twitter.
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor at April 21, 2009 3:26 PMFor myself I use Hawaiian Tropic Coconut Oil every day, all over, and then just the tiniest touch of CK's Escape which also has a tropical melange of scents that goes well with the rum. . .
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at April 21, 2009 6:36 PMI once went an entire semester of college without washing my bed sheets. It's truly amazing what those dorm mattresses will absorb over time.
I've mantled that as a personal hygiene goal ever since.
Posted by: bitterman at April 21, 2009 9:43 PMWell, the befouled BVDs aren't available on my personal list of offerings, as:
1. Commando!
2. my shit don't stink.
Okay, well, I fudged on two. Oh hell, waitadamnminute. I didn't meant to use the "fudge" aliteration.
Oh, shit, or the #2 reference.
Fuck, now I shit all over #2, too.
Oh hell, how do I make this stop!?
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Poise. Ain't that the shit they eat in Hawai'i at them luaus?
Posted by: Elisson at April 23, 2009 4:44 PMI like the way I smell-it's gross to use cologne-I'm a dude, I play tennis, board or run with the doggies, get sweaty and shower. No complaints and when I smell some of this crap men wear, it's disgusting.
As for women, it's very seldom I like any of the perfume they wear. I prefer their natural aromas
Posted by: MM at April 23, 2009 6:47 PMCoco Chanel was a late-comer to the perfume business. Try finding some of the older, original fragrances by Caron. Those were/are some serious smell-goods. Last time I found "Nuit de Noel" was at the factory shop in Paris in '92. Bought the ounce for the wife and I thought the manager was going to drop a load on the floor.
Posted by: emdfl at April 28, 2009 8:07 PMSex Panther.
Posted by: Brick at April 30, 2009 6:42 PMvelociman is partly right. Most men's fragrances are of the discount counter at Bass Pro-Shops. The key to good ones? They are expensive. If you are going to wear them stay with citrus based scents like Cartier.
Same for women's. If you are going to wear it, spend some money. And a little dab 'll do ya'.
Hey, that Nuit de Noel is pricey stuff. I bet the manager sent you thank-you notes for a year.
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