December 22, 2008

The Final Ballot

Long after the last voter has been reinterred in Cook County, and scant milliseconds before Al Franken quite possibly steals the Minnesota senate race in the most egregious example of voter fraud, ballot manipulation, and hubris in my lifetime, the final, final ballots must be cast.

I speak, of course, of the Hewitt Awards, one of Andi Sullivan's almost clever by two-thirds annual awards for opinions that fall outside the scope of his more, ah, nuanced approach to politics.

The Hewitt Award, named after the absurd partisan fanatic, Hugh Hewitt, is given for the most egregious attempts to label Barack Obama as un-American, alien, treasonous, and far out of the mainstream of American life and politics.

Well, then.

As there is no "Who's Trig's Mommy?" poll at Sully's (because we all know it's Patti Smith), I exhort you to cast your vote for Velociman, based upon the intemperate and galvanic post that led to my nomination.

I'm currently 2nd in a very strong field of ten. As I believe I am the only nominee who does not opine for filthy lucre, you may say it was easier for me to be so impetuous and overwrought. Perhaps so. I did not proffer myself for nomination, however, therefore the playing field is level in my estimation.

The very hot Victoria Jackson leads me by a few percentage points, and while I am reluctant to beat Victoria out of anything other than a very skimpy teddy, I think she'll understand if she ultimately loses out to a verifiable loose cannon, a peacock cracker who suffers pinstrokes of adulation when he reminesces upon the Senator's singular ways. I likewise pledge upon the memory of my clinically insane Aunt Merle that should I indeed surpass Victoria in the ballot stuffing counting, she may beat me out of a teddy of her choosing. The 16-foot Velociwhip is at her disposal.

Make my daughters proud, Intrepids. Make me proud. I need a feather in my fistula.

And someone research what the award, should I win it, actually entails. I'm hoping it's a weekend in P-Town. I'm all about the attention, you know. Perhaps a parade float, upon which I am crucified like a Filipino Easter excoriatee. That would be sweet beyond definition.

Thanks to the evercool Rob Sama for the headdup.

Oh. I almost forgot:



Posted by Velociman at December 22, 2008 5:02 PM | TrackBack

Done! You're in some impressive company, and to think that I knew ya when ya wuz a bum.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 22, 2008 7:04 PM

Good luck, Vman. I wouldn't let Andi know about the bullwhip, however.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 22, 2008 7:26 PM

Ballot stuffed. Got your back... so to speak.

Posted by: Neck at December 22, 2008 7:31 PM

done, along with some votes from people who died in the big hurricane of 1892...

Posted by: jerry at December 22, 2008 8:29 PM

I voted not only for myself but also from the slums of Chicago for 10 or 57 different people.

Posted by: The Other Eric at December 22, 2008 10:56 PM

Sorry but I don't click on perverts. Even for a good cause.

Posted by: vanderleun at December 22, 2008 11:00 PM

I voted for you - but I am also tempted to go back and vote a few more times. Never knew Victoria Jackson was so multi dimensional!

Posted by: PeggyU at December 22, 2008 11:29 PM

I'm on your team, boyo, and have loosed my own Army of Darkness.

Posted by: skippystalin at December 23, 2008 12:55 AM

I'm on your team, boyo, and have loosed my own Army of Darkness.

God help us all.

Posted by: skippystalin at December 23, 2008 12:55 AM

Done and done.

Incidentally why does Andi think that Obama needs anyone to *label* him as un-American, unpatriotic, far out of mainsteram, &c.?

He does a stellar job of proving this himself.

As Ace says, Andi literally wants to have Obama's baby.

The f*cking freak.

Posted by: mandible claw at December 23, 2008 1:07 AM

You're nuts.

Posted by: Michael at December 23, 2008 3:58 AM

We can vote more than once? cool.
Already voted from Joan's place.
Back again I go.

Posted by: Jean at December 23, 2008 8:16 AM

You may always count on my kneejerk support.

Posted by: Casca at December 23, 2008 10:21 AM

The lead is narrowing, V-bro!

Posted by: Belinda at December 23, 2008 10:52 AM

Well, it was a few minutes ago. Who is voting for Victoria????? I mean I like her and all, but her blog is weird without the mad writing skillz that you have.

Posted by: Belinda at December 23, 2008 10:54 AM

I don't know, I mean, I agree with what Belinda says, but it sounds almost like she might be trying to suck up to get a better Christmas present.

Posted by: Cody at December 23, 2008 11:31 AM

Heh. From the comments at Skippy's place:

"Is that Steve Irwin in a dress?"

Crikey! I must've voted about two dozen times. Consider it your Christmas present.


Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 23, 2008 12:07 PM

Belinda: Victoria can do it while standing on her hands, evidently. Don't know about Velociman's gymnastic skills.

Posted by: PeggyU at December 23, 2008 3:19 PM

Because I am snowed in in Seattle,

Tag, Velociman, you're it:

Posted by: vanderleun at December 23, 2008 9:51 PM

OK. You got my vote, although Victoria J has better hooters.

Posted by: Cappy at December 24, 2008 4:43 PM

You so enrich my language, Sir. I had to vote for you, even if I miss a lot of what you're saying. When are you publishing the Velociman Dictionary?

Posted by: Claudia at December 25, 2008 1:17 PM

VMan- You Sir, are an infidel! Can you please tell me where I can pick up an inflatable sheep with thong & see-thru burka for New Years Eve?

Praise Allah & Merry Christmas,

Posted by: JihadGene at December 25, 2008 9:42 PM

Your even as of Dec 25.

Posted by: Deathknyte at December 25, 2008 10:15 PM

Well a couple of votes for you on Mr. Milky Load's poll. Though I have to admit that voting for you over Victoria Jackson is like going to the cafeteria and choosing mystery meat over fillet. Think I'll go chug some left over least the vomit smells nice.

Posted by: Quilly Mammoth at December 26, 2008 9:38 PM

Ya got my vote...

Posted by: vicki at December 26, 2008 10:46 PM

TIED at 24% with Victoria.

Posted by: Jean at December 27, 2008 7:31 AM

You're ahead by 10 votes, Vman. Roll the mouse over the graph bar and it'll give a total.


Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 29, 2008 7:53 PM

He's down by ten votes. ALL HANDS ON DECK!!!!!

Posted by: Rob Sama at December 30, 2008 5:27 PM

7V3wYb Very good blog.Thanks Again. Really Cool.

Posted by: best money here at April 5, 2014 8:43 PM
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