November 15, 2008
The Catarrh
I have a bad case of the scours today, and I'm not sure why. Nor is that your problem. Not a technical case, of course, but in the discarnate sense. Northerly gusts have been denuding the trees of their color, as if mocking my forever thinning forescalp, so perhaps that's it. In any case, this is my season, so I should shrug off the foreboding and enjoy it. Like many, I do prefer the death of fall to the rebirth of spring.
Now you may say Why, Velociman, that's because your innate sense of iconoclasm is merely corkscrewing the evidence of decay around you into a sense of relief because Nature is again applying airbrakes to her frightening fecundity. Not that you would ever say that, because I intuit that you might be imbeciles, but if you did, you might be correct. I prefer to believe, however, it harkens back to my childhood, and fall is the season when one returns to school, and is able to see if that selfsame fecundity has enlarged the breasts of one's classmates. So it's probably just a nostalgia thing.
Perhaps I have distemper. Checked my shot records. Never had one for the distempers, because humans don't contract it (they tell you). I'm pretty sure it doesn't jump species, but that's what they said about AIDS, while they were chopping up breakfast ape. There's a conundrum: I refuse to even take flu shots, and yet I am convinced pathogens play random games of Duck, Duck, Goose.
I've never had influenza in any variety, and I intend to keep it that way. I believe if I ever partake of an innoculation against this year's strain, my body will become an amenable receptacle for the following years' varieties, forever. Disprove me.
This, too, like an accidentally swallowed peach pit, will pass. And not pleasantly, neither. But that's life. In the meanwhiles, I just realized there is an extra satellite dish on the roof, from a prior purveyor of wireless television, and I suppose it's as good a time as any to muscle a ladder against the wall, and rassle that thing down in a galeforce wind. After drinking heavily, so as to soften the pain should I perchance fall off the roof.
Also: I truly abhor the commercial where the pasty-faced buffoon orgiastically tells you how he's just purchased stock online from Hong Kong. "That's China!!!"
Don't remind me, pus puss. The Olde Country gave up their sweet outpost just like we gave up our Canal. And you know what? I recently purchased a $1.29 bag of plastic forks. That's China, too!!! So color me unimpressed with your lousy stock purchase. And by the way: I'm pretty sure you've already lost at least 65% of the value of that purchase, whereas my plastic forks are still holding up nicely.
So, you know, there.
If it's any small consolation, the Chinese now own Panama.
So, you know. There.
Oh hey, your last recounting of the scours provided the impetus for my Instalanche. Did I thank you?
Don't be hatin'...
I mean... heh.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at November 15, 2008 5:36 PMWell, the Chinee own the port facilities on either end at Cristobal and Colon, so they in effect own passage control. Bad enough.
Posted by: Velociman at November 15, 2008 5:43 PMPlastic forks from China. Purchased onions at local grocery and once home noticed the little decal they put on all produce these days. Said PRODUCT OF EQUADOR. Not Florida, not Texas, not Georgia, not California, but EQUADOR. WTF!!!
Mind you I eaten plenty of Corned Beef from Argentian but onions from Equador....that just ain't natural.
when one returns to school, and is able to see if that selfsame fecundity has enlarged the breasts of one's classmates. That's
assuming one does not attend an all-boys' school, right?
---
And, no, onions from Ecuador aren't natural. A Walla Walla sweet onion - that's what you want! Also, apparently it isn't real safe to buy Mexican vanilla. They use some sort of toxic "filler", according to Alton Browne.
Posted by: PeggyU at November 15, 2008 9:04 PMI was able to buy vainilla in Mexico in old whiskey bottles. Spectacular stuff and the only side effect I've noticed is the need to blog.
Of course, my blog does have lots of toxic filler...
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at November 15, 2008 9:20 PMHow the fuck do you "accidently" swallow a peach pit?
Posted by: Eric at November 15, 2008 9:51 PMEric, the same way you accidentally get a light bulb stuck up your ass.
Posted by: Velociman at November 16, 2008 8:04 AMDo what you want about the light bulb. Just don't ask me to do the wiring!
Posted by: Cappy at November 16, 2008 10:17 AMUncle Fester... does it light up when you smile?
Posted by: RedNeck at November 16, 2008 3:31 PM.... that wasn't ME, by the way....... I've never accidentally swallowed a peach pit OR had a light bulb shoved up my ass.....
Don't speak so soon.... I have had several offers to insert light bulbs into my ass but yet to take anyone up on it. You may get an offer you can't refuse.
Posted by: The other Eric at November 16, 2008 11:50 PMAll this talk about light bulbs reminds me of some of the horror stories my urologist buddy used tell me about his internship days at Johns Hopkins.
Light bulbs up dudes' asses? That was chump change.
He told me once about a guy who came in after having shoved a coupla feet of piano wire up his pee-hole, just like a plumber's snake. Got skeert when he couldn't pull it out.
That whole business makes me cringe. Piano wire?
Posted by: Elisson at November 17, 2008 9:45 AMWorse: It was Chinese piano wire...
Posted by: Elisson at November 17, 2008 9:46 AMAh, Elisson, ever on point.
Posted by: Casca at November 17, 2008 9:55 AMGood god, can we get back to light bulbs. Or better yet, hamsters powering light bulbs up peoples asses. I can barely type at the thought of piano wire, ANYWHERE.
Posted by: The other Eric at November 17, 2008 10:22 AMGeez ... must be more common than I thought! I have a friend who worked for a while at the admitting desk in the ER of our local hospital. Some guy came in ... had shoved a speaker wire up there for kicks. I don't even have one, and it makes me wince!
Posted by: PeggyU at November 17, 2008 3:06 PMWas that a 40 watt or 120 watt? Maybe an outdoor spot light? Could it had been a florescent tube 48 inches long. Bought at Wal Mart made in China.
Posted by: Don Jr. at November 18, 2008 7:19 AM