October 30, 2008
Light in August October
I apologize for my delay in replying to my new fans, most of whom appear to want to create an even mightier Velociman through judicious application of electroshock therapy. I'm sorry to say I was caught out of town without my laptop, whilst a myriad of Percy Grimms were banging their pots for my brains. Yea, verily, even the capitalist swine who operate the Sheraton gulag of conspicuously mediocre hospitality were averse to allowing me access to my obviously profane blog.
Now that most of you have finished flinging your pink pabulum at me, allow me to reintroduce some lucidity into your raging cacophony of whinging indignation:
Firstly, I am an insignificant blogger with a readership of approximately 20 consistent visitors. The other 90% of my hits come from Ft. Detrick, Maryland, where a phalanx of macaque monkeys pound away endlessly at keyboards, fueled by Red Bull and cocainum pellets, in a Bush cabal plot to hammer out a more fundamentalist Bible.
Secondly, anyone willing to spend a few minutes scrolling my archives will see that I not only beat the English language like a pimp on a prostie, I use hyperbole and satire to make a point, more often than not.
Thirdly, despite the fact that I am a far better writer than Wolcott or Sullivan on their very bestus of days, of which they have fewer and fewer, I don't do this for a living. I do not opine for money, but for mirth. Wolcott, who hides behind a firewall so dense I cannot fathom his email address for a remonstration, is Burr to my Hamilton. Poor Sully, lying prostrate upon the fainting sofa with smelling salts wafted under his nose, is Salieri to my Mozart.
Let us cut to the chase. Or the Ned Beatty thrill up the leg, as Sully so many of you fantasize about. I write for fun, and I like to occasionally thrust hatpins into the hemorrhoids of the humorless. One must have an avocation, after all, to be a compleat man. Am I over the top? Absolutely. Do I use race as a joke instead of a grievance now and then? Most certainly. It is in my nature to puncture the Portuguese men o' war that float upon the racial sea, ever ready to release a toxic cloud of false shame and rancor for a moment of self-congratulation.
Allow me to guide you through the maze of Velociworld: my cock isn't as gigantic as I claim (it's merely pleasingly awesome). The Senator wasn't quite the character I portray him to be. He was twice that man. That's pretty much all you need to know.
Now, let me say this about your hysterical comments, and I say this with utmost gravity:
You are a bunch of fucking retards. You've licked the windows of the special needs bus so much it has glazed your perception of reality. Do I take back anything I said about Barack Obama? Absolutely not. If anything, I misunderestimate the man. I do wish I'd found a more appropriate comparison than Pol Pot, though. Perhaps that other ridiculously glorified icon of the Left, Ernesto We're Making Omelettes Here, Pal! Guevara. Do I really believe Obama is equal to Stalin? Of course not. Obama hasn't even begun to kill. Hellfire and pass the strychnine, his body count may end up in the paltry dozens for all I know. I don't presume to read the sheep entrails around here. And I don't drink tea.
If my opinion enrages you then you need to not read my opinion. That's a very simple fix, cretins. Of course, under Obama's socialized medicine, I'll be forced to bill the fuck out of the taxpayers now, and withhold that advice from you for six months, should I be inclined to help you in the future.
Why my opinion so vexes you is worrisome. Listen, fuckfaces: 50% of America disagrees with you. Bill Ayers only had plans to exterminate 25 million in the southwest after the Revolution, and that was, in my contemplative opinion, probably a bit of a stretch. Logistics are the curse of the revolutionary, ain't they?
I didn't expect to be slammed with so much hate mail from so many unintelligible morons, swarming like fruit flies from the vulvae of les doyennes Sullicott. But so be it. It proved my point. If you poor benighted fools realized how convulsed with laughter I was as I penned that post... and the tears of merriment continue to flow unabated.
At any rate, beat your Joe Christmas piñatas with vexation tonight, you miserable cunts. I've been away from home for a week, and Girth Vader is absolutely turgid with anticipation for a bit of slap and tickle (because whenever I remember all sex is patriarchal rape it gets me fucking hot). See you around the blog o' flatearth. I'll be wandering like Lena Grove, swollen, trying to find the fucking busybody who impregnated me with 7 pounds, 8 ounces of hope and change. Being pro-life, I won't abort it. I'll just stick its fingers in boiling water from time to time and tell it how bad its daddy is.
Word.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at October 30, 2008 8:40 PMI have some problems with this:
1: Calling your commenters "cretins" is an insult. To cretins.
2: Your bleeding piles spray blood in better patterns than the snivellings of Wolcott or Sullivan.
Posted by: og at October 30, 2008 9:04 PMOkay, now that was over the top.
Can't stop laughing!!
"fainting couch" *snort!*
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at October 30, 2008 9:12 PMVelocibrother....that was fucking AWESOME.
Posted by: Erica at October 30, 2008 9:27 PMThat was a mighty fine beat-down, and I nearly shat myself laughing about the special needs bus jibe.
I sincerely hope that the extra-chromosome crowd stops by to read it.
Fucking A+
Posted by: Ironnerd at October 30, 2008 10:06 PMBitchin.
No one brings the pain quite like the Velocigerdankus.
Posted by: Randy Rager at October 30, 2008 10:42 PMI'm afraid the Libtards just won't understand.
Posted by: Hoot Gibson at October 30, 2008 11:06 PMI like you even more now!!!
Posted by: vicki at October 30, 2008 11:14 PMInspiring! It was a beautiful thing. I feel the need to take a big dump now.
Posted by: Richard at October 30, 2008 11:37 PMI stand in awe of greatness personified...
Well put Vman...
Posted by: jerry at October 30, 2008 11:46 PMNow I feel an obligation to go and read the comments from the waterheads.
Posted by: Scott at October 30, 2008 11:57 PMWaterhead commentary? Why, it is just meat to the Velocitiger. What he craveth even more than the loving attentions of his Monkey-Horde.
Years ago, I would read my collection of Russell Baker columns and laugh like a madman. Mayhap one day there will be a similar collection of Velociscribblings. I will be first in line to buy it, and I will laugh like a madman once again.
Posted by: Elisson at October 31, 2008 12:21 AMI wouldn't expect anything less of you. When I read the original post I knew then that you were laughing your ass off, waiting for the fish to bite.
I think Acidman would have celebrated this post.
Posted by: jmflynny at October 31, 2008 12:57 AMGotdamn you made me spit my whiskey I was laughing so hard!
It is a sin to waste good whiskey like that.
You'd think I'd learn by now when I stop by here.
You are my new hero of the sphere. I go forth to sing thy praises and raise thy readership by two!
BTW, that Wolcott is an insufferable slut, isn't he? I wonder whether it will be the closeted Wolcott or the far too out Sullivan who is named First Lewinski.
Posted by: vanderleun at October 31, 2008 3:04 AMWell, it's good to see you back in action, V-dude. Been pretty boring around the blogosphere lately. I was SO laughing my ass off until waaay too late reading that 200+ comment list the other night. Really not nice of Sullivan & that other guy to direct their [cretinous minions]poor, unprepared readers to that one post without due dilligence being paid to your body of work as a whole. That WAS a rather richly wrought piece of Velociloquicity for the unsuspecting normie to digest. Brilliant.
Posted by: Marianne at October 31, 2008 4:01 AMImmense.
Posted by: Mark at October 31, 2008 4:57 AMThat was really great 200+ of 'em and all so pissed off they could hardly type.
Do it again!! Do it again!!
Posted by: Guaman at October 31, 2008 6:43 AMI just had to re-read this today, before work. To properly adjust my attitude.
And yeah, we're all just moaning with pleasure, "do it again! Do it again!!"
We are nothing, if not your literary bitches.
I got bounced to your site and article because I was curious about the word 'velociworld'.
I read the first article about Obama's hatred and revenge in wait, for those who cross him.
My comments below are meant to encourage you.
First, I have never believed he (or Hillary)will be elected POTUS.
Second, being a U.S. Marine retired, has taught me to NEVER run. We adapt and overcome the enemy. I welcome the IRS, the FBI, or the media to confront me. I have nothing to be afraid of. I operate within the guidelines of the U.S. Constitution and therefore I will prevail or die with that document in my 'cold dead hands'.
So buck my friend and take the battle to the enemy.
Such beautiful and felicitous profanity, and completely wasted on 99% of the sub-cretins.
It keeps the 20 or so consistent readers coming back, though, and I happily count myself in that group.
Posted by: Arcs at October 31, 2008 8:58 AMI bow down before the Velocigod
Posted by: hoosierboy at October 31, 2008 9:01 AMFABULOUS, JUST FABULOUS!!
Posted by: Merry at October 31, 2008 9:10 AMI have a thought calculated to boggle the mind; if they are carrying on this way NOW, when they firmly believe they are going to win, what kind of nationwide full body hissyfit will we be treated to if (please Cthulhu!) they lose?
Posted by: C. S. P. Schofield at October 31, 2008 9:32 AMAt first, I thought that you were just prejudicial and ignorant. Now, I'm comforted by the fact that you are probably just bat shit crazy.
Posted by: Scott at October 31, 2008 10:35 AMWow, Scott, a man who posts
"Mark Saturday, March 1 on your calendar. It’s likely to be a slow news day. Obama will concede."
calling Vman batshit crazy. I love it!
You're an entertaining spinner of silky bullshit, you are. It's good to see that a man of your seeming political bent with such a Balzacian connection between mind and fingers. But if I may remove the mask, and reveal you for the lumpen terrorist we know you to be - Mr. Joe The Plumber. Your fooling of the media ass paddles and their Fulci styled zombie tribes is over, Joe. You are now exposed as the intellectual ass crack that you are.
Posted by: C'thulu at October 31, 2008 11:53 AMWOWZA!
Posted by: MitchT at October 31, 2008 11:56 AMI'm honored to be able to stand in the glow of the words you wrote which emanate from my computer screen.
Get a book deal or a pundit's job. I'd watch you over Bill Kristol any day.
Posted by: Rob Sama at October 31, 2008 11:59 AM"licked the windows of the special needs bus".....
that's hysterical!! heh heh
Posted by: Alaska Kim at October 31, 2008 12:04 PMI bow with respect to, and in awe of, a master of word and language. I withdraw as a man should, laughing at the Sullycott on the fainting couch...
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at October 31, 2008 12:16 PMYou are absolutely stellar, brother. I think I have found a new best friend. A person tires of reading the same garbage all the time, even when it's good, because it is everywhere to be had. You, sir, write like a well-executed carpet-bombing campaign, and I can think of no higher compliment.
Posted by: Andy at October 31, 2008 12:57 PMYou now have 21 consistent readers.
Posted by: ramjet at October 31, 2008 1:03 PMVelociman,
That was fucking beautiful.
My reaction was similar to Donkey upon seeing the info display at Duloc:
"Let's do that AGAIN!"
Posted by: A fine scotch at October 31, 2008 1:55 PM... and I approve this messajuh.
Amadeus was a slander of Salieri, who really was a decent composer. Certainly not on par with Mozart, but who was?
Posted by: ThomasD at October 31, 2008 2:58 PMI'm so glad I've met you and know just how serious you take life! We must NOT give up the fight,,,unless ya got some more of the brew handy!
Posted by: Michele at October 31, 2008 3:46 PMMake that 22.
Posted by: Unemployed Pirate at October 31, 2008 3:51 PMVerbal Napalm....well delivered.
Posted by: Tbird at October 31, 2008 5:25 PMHeh. Spank those fuckers, V-man!
Posted by: Jack Straw at October 31, 2008 6:31 PMMake it 23.
Posted by: Adam Lawson at October 31, 2008 6:34 PM"Thirdly, despite the fact that I am a far better writer than Wolcott or Sullivan on their very bestus of days..."
Amen to that shit, bub. Looking forward to your next cretin-crucifyin'.
Posted by: Mike at October 31, 2008 8:33 PMDo I use race as a joke instead of a grievance now and then? Most certainly. It is in my nature to puncture the Portuguese men o' war that float upon the racial sea, ever ready to release a toxic cloud of false shame and rancor for a moment of self-congratulation.
*****************
Damn, I wish I had said that...
I may have to steal it... Bwwwaaahahhaahaahhaahaaha
Posted by: TexasFred at October 31, 2008 8:50 PM"I sincerely hope that the extra-chromosome crowd stops by to read it."
Present!
Oh wait! You meant the OTHER tards, dincha?
Did they just get all quiet, or do they only do their bitching via email?
If the former, then you've stunned them into submission.
If the latter, they're too craven to do their sniveling in front of an audience. And with good reason!
- Stoop Davy Dave
Posted by: 24th Newbie at November 1, 2008 12:13 AMThe Spartans had 300. Pussies.
Proud to be among the 20.
"Oh, we happy few..."
Man, and I thought I delivered high powered ordnance...
Pray, continue to do more of this.
Posted by: MAJ (P) John at November 1, 2008 12:57 AMI understood about 3 fuckin' words of that post. Too many 5dolla's for me. I did laugh though. You should try soundin' out some of those bastids...
Only a true bus herder would call it a special needs bus instead of a short bus though. See, the common man is confused by your rhetoric. Are you sayin', vote Palin?
Posted by: RedNeck at November 1, 2008 7:11 AMGreetings from Fort Detrick!
Posted by: JihadGene at November 1, 2008 2:20 PMExcellent V. Excellent.
Posted by: cmblake6 at November 1, 2008 10:53 PMAh, a new port to weather the storm.
Posted by: Casca at November 1, 2008 11:36 PMI have been away from here for far too long. You sir, if not a god, are at least a minor deity. To put that another way, quoting Slim Pickens: "You use your tongue prettier then a 20 dollar whore!"
Posted by: Guy S at November 2, 2008 12:23 AMDude!
Posted by: Jay at November 2, 2008 8:44 AMBAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by: GUYK at November 4, 2008 11:35 AMBeing a non-US citizen, I really don't care what anyone has to say about the presidential candidates. I have my own feelings about the US election and respect everyone's right to have an opinion. Having had the opportunity to have met you in person, I also had a good laugh at some of the comments your new "fans" left you.
While I understand this blog is yours and you are free to write whatever you like (and free to tell me where to go), this line in your response to your fans is unforgivable in my book:
"You are a bunch of fucking retards. You've licked the windows of the special needs bus so much it has glazed your perception of reality."
If you ever read anything I wrote in my past bloggy life, you'll probably understand why.
Ciao.
Posted by: Lisa W. at November 4, 2008 8:38 PM