October 25, 2008
The Plague
I should not have mocked the Jehovabama in such cavalier fashion. For He has visited upon me a plague of Biblical proportions. Witnesseth the Plague of ACORNS:
Now, these don't look like much. But you have to realize I've been sweeping the back deck of two thousand acorns every cursed day. For two weeks any small gust of wind or squirrel jump has rained a hell of acorns upon me. The yard is littered with millions of the things.
And these are not the little live oak acorns I'm used to, but huge white oak acorns the size of my thumb. And they rain down at a velocity roughly equal to a rifle shot. Knock the snot out of both nostrils, they will. I've taken to wearing my Indiana Jones hat outside just to have a damn cigarette, and I think the dents in my skull are permanent.
I don't begrudge the Obamulatto his plague, however. I earned it. I'm just glad he didn't visit something more parlable upon me. Like boils. The last time I had a warhead on my taint (due to an ill-advised shaving of my nether regions for purposes of gratuitous sexual satisfaction) I thought I was going to have to visit the emergency room, before I eventually worked out a solution via X-acto knife and a sliver of wood between my teeth. Don't want to go there again.
So I took my acorns to the skull, but I've turned the tables. I shelled a bunch, boiled them, soaked them overnight, and used them like chopped pecans in a recipe. Can't do that with a boil, eh what?
Next: I chocolate-fry locusts, fricassee blow flies, and hope like hell my stream doesn't turn to blood, or the sky rains frogs.
I will also understand if you start subscribing to Kathleen Parker's newsletter, and disavow even a passing acquaintance with me.
P.S. I realize parlable isn't a word. But this is Velociworld. I make up my own fucking words here. And you know you knew what it meant.
Parlable is fine coinage.
B'iled acorns, however, um... no. No thanks.
Next you'll be making millet bread.
I wouldn't eat them. You know what it feels like to take one to the noggin. Create some kind of homemade projectile launcher and you've got ready ammo. At least, so it seems to me. I will consult Backyard Ballistics. I think there's something in there that could be scaled down to fit the projectile.
Posted by: PeggyU at October 25, 2008 8:44 PMI'll confess the end product was a bit less than anticipated. But I wasn't eating a boil. So there.
Posted by: Velociman at October 25, 2008 8:53 PMI'm pretty sure those dents were in your head WAY before those little acorns hit it.
Posted by: Maeve at October 26, 2008 1:11 AMYa dinna go to TN?
Posted by: Jean at October 26, 2008 8:26 AMThe Acorns are the first wave. Be prepared for the squirrel infestation that will follow. Lots of food means more tree rats survive the winter to hump anew in the spring!
I saw this in the early 90's after that other black man got into office. Local radio station had a contest on who could collect the most squished squirrels. I had a trash can with over 100 but some gook had me beat 500+. He said the picked them up while making his deliveries of Gen. Tso's.
Bad times are sure to follow, remember the 80's with the crime waves and murder rates and add to that millions of squirrels...
We are all doomed.
Posted by: JohnB at October 26, 2008 10:28 AMJohnB may have something there. We have squirrels. Lots of little black ones. Up until a couple of years ago, you would see the very occasional squirrel, but now there's a buttload of them. Plague of squirrels indeed!
Posted by: PeggyU at October 26, 2008 12:58 PMnever tried acorns but figure if treerats and deer eat 'em they ain't poison and if I ever get hungry enough..well, what the hell..baked treerat with acorn bread stuffing..beats eating dirt
Posted by: GUYK at October 26, 2008 7:14 PMObamulatto?
Nice. The white hood suits you.
Posted by: Jon H at October 27, 2008 7:58 AMY'ought to do what I suggested to the NC Weiner Boy. He didn't go for it, I think he was a-feered of the porker porking his weiner.
Buy yourself a shoat, tie a chain around a leg attached to the base of that oak tree, and let Mr. Piggy gorge on the acorns. Toss him some apples every so often for sweeter meat.
When you run out of acorns, it's time to roast the pig!
Posted by: El Capitan at October 27, 2008 3:06 PMShell the acorns, put the meat in a mesh bag (or old pantyhose) and submerge in a flowing stream for a day or two to leech out the bitterness.
Sometimes this isn't even necessary with white acorns.
The best way to consume acorns is to feed them to deer, then eat the deer. In a pinch you can substitute hog for deer.
Posted by: ThomasD at October 27, 2008 11:46 PMI think the dents in my skull are permanent.
This explains a lot.
Posted by: Cervantes at October 28, 2008 6:54 AMSpeaking of boils, the lefty-libtard ass boils are even infiltrating this set of comments now too?
Gee whiz. You really rubbed the nap the wrong way.
BWAAAA!!!!!
Just Damn! You sure pissed on the fireant hill down below. I normally just lurk, but had to say what a fine job you did. Such a touchy bunch that crowd be.
Posted by: blindshooter at October 28, 2008 7:13 PMobamullato...I like it....snappy and truthful...some people are never happy.
Posted by: thud at October 29, 2008 5:38 PMAcorns? You call those acorns? Come to Boston and walk along Comm. Ave. right about now and you'll see carpets of real acorns on the ground. And that's about as Obamatastic neighborhood as it gets.
This is fun. I want to see what you do with rainstorms next.
Posted by: Boston Charlie at October 30, 2008 4:09 PMGet a slingshot. Use acorns as ammo to kill squirrels.
Irony is the best seasoning.
Posted by: Randy Rager at November 1, 2008 11:20 AM