December 22, 2007
Raccoonage
Went with Key up to Gatlinburg, and we gots roped into not only the Dollywood gig, but the dinner theater at Dolly's Dixie Stampede. Or suppah show, as they call it.
Plenty of people riding hossies around an arena, and little pig races. Then the emcee, he sang a song about how we was all happy 'cause they was feeding us the suppahs. Here dat suppah:
Look good, but they ain't no utensils. That's what separates us from the beasts of the field, says I. That and butt-wiping paper. But the emcee says we have to eat likka da raccoon eats. Grapsed in our tiny grubby hands. Key didn't like having to rip apart her whole chicken with her hands, but she did 'cause she were hongry. You know, I been known to speak like the raccoon from time to time, but I never had to eat like the raccoon.
Speaking of toilet papers, the reason we have to use it and animals don't is because we have buttocks. Every other animal proudly displays its anus, but our anuses are demurely hid by the buttocks. So we cain't get a clean lop off. It smears around the asscheeks coming out. If humans had exposed rectums we wouldn't need no damn toilet paper. But they'd still make us eat like da raccoon at the Stampede, I fear.
Anyway, the pig races was fun. The camels stank. Dollywood would have been better if they'd had pictures of Dolly everywhere with owl eye nipples, like Hooters. But these small complaints.
Next: I spend $12 on a 15-inch knife, and think I gots hornswoggled.
Thanks for the long awaited exposed rectum christmas story. Holidays seem holier thanks to you. Merry Christmas, Vman.
Posted by: SuperGurl at December 23, 2007 9:03 AMI b'lieve I was drug there as a youngin'. Lot's square dancin' shows. I don't recall the pig races, but I'd have loved 'em had I seen 'em. We piddle 'round all day, and ate junk food. No suppah shows for 'Necks...
Merry Christmas to you and yours buddy.
Posted by: RedNeck at December 23, 2007 12:04 PMhair would get in de way...exposed anus or onus, merry christmas to ye
Posted by: de a kins to beezer at December 23, 2007 12:33 PMThe above comment was NOT from me!
This Level3.net IP spambot is running amok thru the comments of several bloggers.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 23, 2007 3:15 PMAh, yes...the Dixie Stampede...and elegant evening filled with food and livestock. I knew about the no cutlery thing. I'm guessing they are afraid you are going to attack your neighbor with a spork. Not sure why since I think they are dry...and the only thing that could possibly make the experience tolerable would be drunken giggle fits. I've already totally ripped them off in my current short story. There was a scandal involving a livestock handler and the underage performers.
I can't believe you guys came that close to spitting distance from me and didn't call! I coulda met you'uns at Christus Gardens and we coulda had a corndog while enjoying the wax figure dioramas of Jaysus. I see you found the knife shop okay.
Posted by: Rosie at December 23, 2007 3:27 PMWhat, that's like less than a buck an inch.
Damn. What an idea for a brothel.
Posted by: og at December 23, 2007 3:55 PMIt doesn't matter if it wasn't you, Joanie. The fact is, it could have been you. It doesn't matter if it's true as long as it fits the narrative. Right?
Posted by: Velociman at December 23, 2007 4:11 PMI could never leave such a mechanical comment. Mine would be a mellifluous melange of words so utterly intoxicating as to become holy writ for the witless.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 23, 2007 5:29 PMIt's but-TOCKS sir. but-TOCKS
ref. Forrest Gump
Do gorillas have ass cheeks?
Posted by: Peggy U at December 26, 2007 9:52 PM