November 27, 2007
Breaking Left
It's been a busy two weeks. I'd say that's why your faithless scrivener has failed to provide fodder for you insolent curs, but the more likely reason is a bad case of ne'er-do-wellitis.
Where to begin? Yes! Got laid off, for starters. Sacked in the latest application of leeches to the body corporate. I made it difficult for them, though. They had to find me first. I'd actually been AWOL for three days. I'd disappeared with no notice to do some job interviews in Atlanta, such was my contempt for the bilious swine. They finally tracked me down, though. Laid me low with a tranquilizer dart.
I should say I was despondent over this, a 17-year relationship gone bad, but I wasn't. Their abhorrence for me was only matched by my disgust with them. Rudderless fools. I scored a nice severance package and bonus, however, so we parted on amicable terms. In fact, I had to forcibly prevent myself from clicking my heels on the way out the door. My greatest concern had been a job offer that forced me to resign without severance, so things worked out quite well. I'd almost volunteered for whacking when I heard layoffs were coming, but my naturally prudent nature made me pause, and remember: they hate you, dude. Be patient. Make them be the bad guy. Et voila!
So I packed up my shit two days later, and is now ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location somewhere northeast of Atlanta. It's a humble abode, but situated on 60 incredible acres of hardwoods and meadows. Plenty of space for the doggie to roam and chase deer. Perfect for guzzling Ten High bourbon and howling at the moon finding another job. I already have some consulting work lined up, so things are actually pretty fucking rosy. No sense rocking the boat, either, and tempting the fates, so I probably won't start looking in earnest until the new year. And who knows? After a Ten High Holidays, I might just decide to become a permanent Straight White Sloth.
This could be fun. I'm already acclimating, you know. I have a fairly good supply of Cat Pills, and I've discovered I'm just like a workaholic. Only for drugs. And if I don't find a job in six months I'll just start selling off chapters of the novel. And maybe a kidney. Do I need a spleen? Do you? Can you sell organs on Ebay? I found a squeegee while I was packing. That could supplement the consulting. I can envision cleaning a windshield at a traffic light while murmuring "How's your supply chain hanging, baby?" to the hapless motorist. That's like, a win-win, ain't it?
Well, I have a hangover to create. Wish me luck, Insolents. As they say in the cartoons,
"Whee!!!"
Come on out to Tejas, Hoss. We'll feed and water you and the hound for a few days. Oh, and I call dibs on the liver. I figure it might be Smithsonian material some day.
Posted by: Dash at November 27, 2007 9:22 PMBest best. Hope all is as you hope, and nothing makes you go back to gainful employment one moment sooner than is absolutely necesary. And post often, that we might vicariously live through you. As we slave away at our day jobs, intrepids all.
Posted by: og at November 27, 2007 9:51 PMSpleens are kinda nice to keep around.
Just sayin'.
(Consulting? Better not be Amway!)
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at November 27, 2007 10:51 PMYou could sell supply balls to go with alla them supply chains.
Posted by: Elisson at November 27, 2007 11:01 PMAmway? WTF? This would be industry related consulting to investment bankers. Not on the MLM hellride yet.
Posted by: Velociman at November 27, 2007 11:13 PMAh, my husband went through exactly the same thing a few years ago. Living well is the best revenge... so live well. And may you find a job that is not a chore.
Posted by: Teresa at November 28, 2007 1:08 AMYou could always strap on that dirndl and peddle your ass in Helen.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 28, 2007 3:21 AM... sloth??... bite your tongue, you heathen....
Posted by: Eric at November 28, 2007 8:30 AMI give it two weeks before you cave and start writing posts about how much you love hotdogs. Mercy!
Posted by: zonker at November 28, 2007 11:54 AMI'll be damned..you are still among the living. I figured the rabid monkeys or some gotdam zombies had got you...
Hell, no worry about a job! Hillary Clinton is gonna get to be president and there is gonna be a chicken in every pot and nobody is gonna need a job
Posted by: GUYK at November 28, 2007 11:55 AMMr. V.
I been out of the Georgia loop for a while now. Let me know if the wimmen there still ejackylate. Take pictures. If possible.
Be sure and let me know if you start running low on Windex. I will mail some wid' a quickness.
Congratulations! Welcome to the world of the laid-off layabouts! You are almost there. All you need now is a double-wide and a typewriter!
Look, screw getting a real job again. Lie about your work experience and edjamacation and get a job at the local Walmart in some sleepy little mountain town and write. I'd say pump gas, but that's gone the way of the dinosaur except in New Jersey.
Posted by: Rosie at November 28, 2007 3:44 PMNo Rosie, it's not pump "gas"... it's pump Ethyl. And that never goes outta style anywhere. Unless she changes her name.
If I were you, and I'm not, I'd be ... dare I say, fuckin' eh happy. The dog can run. You can pee off the back porch and not have to throttle back garth.
Not so much worry 'bout 'canes. You said NE of ATL... we talkin' Canada here or what?
You got a pond?
Glad your back... Glad you get a new start without having to make the decision all by yourself, every body needs a little help in that area don't they, and glad that you got a good severance deal.
How's the dude with the messed up navel. Did you say bye 'fore you left?
How is Key doing?
Posted by: Catfish at November 28, 2007 8:20 PMSounds like a good location for a vacation. Sixty acres of fields and trees? A writer's retreat! Post pictures, please. My son says you should start a paintball field. Twenty bucks for a field fee, plus you can make a bit off of paint and compressed air.
Posted by: Peggy U at November 28, 2007 9:13 PMYou are starting to sound like Rob. Take the cure before it's to late... Just saying...
Posted by: Jim at November 28, 2007 9:31 PMGood luck in your new adventure. Sure do like Georgia peaches.
Posted by: Don Jr. at November 28, 2007 10:03 PMDo you want us to wish you luck on your future prospects or on creating the hangover? If you need us to wish you luck on the hangover my image of you is seriously damaged.
Posted by: The Maximum Leader at November 28, 2007 10:11 PMWelcome to the land of LOM (laid-off management). I had thirty years in so I took retirement and some benefits. You nailed my feelings exactly with "Their abhorrence for me was only matched by my disgust with them."
But I'm looking to work again--only at something I want to do and will enjoy. Money is not a driver in that regard. Maybe some administrative work in academia. I'm looking.
I think you will find some things surprising. Like having less stress and still not having a lot of time for things. I wish you well. Cool dudes win out so you will be fine.
Posted by: Lewis at November 29, 2007 11:36 AMWell, congratulations! Seriously.
I envy you in lots of ways.
Wishing you all the best of everything you want.
So, did I commiserate the obligatory length of time before blurting out, "so you can move now???" ;)
Posted by: Key at November 29, 2007 9:10 PMCongrats and enjoy.
However, does "severance package and bonus" mean that you can finaly afford to come and see where the first "sloth" like monkey made it's Vman-like steps for the first time.
Hey Key that was quick.
Jim - PRS , my post tonight was up before I looked here.
Congrats I suppose. So when's the party dude?
Posted by: Richard at December 1, 2007 5:23 AMGot banned for trying to sell my organ on Ebay.
Posted by: That 1 Guy at December 1, 2007 4:06 PMZonker: Or he'll just post, "Damn, I'm hungry, rubberneckers."
Think of it this way, Vman. At least you won't have to stand next to homeless people while you take a smoke break.
Posted by: agent bedhead at December 2, 2007 11:11 PMYou and Key oughta come down to Atlanta for a minimeet.
Posted by: Denny at December 9, 2007 9:21 PM