September 12, 2007
Suicide By Volvo
Or Vulva, as they've always been known in the vernacular.
They may be the safest cars from an engineering standpoint, but from a marketing standpoint, I predict mass bloodshed.
Who the fuck let those idiots release an advertising campaign in the United States U-bolted upon the fingernail-upon-the-chalkboard-unnerving "Wheels on the Bus" ditty? Don't these soulless Swedes understand how much all American adults of a certain near-luxury car-buying demographic hate that fucking song?
Why, I once throttled a six year old boy on a public bus for having the temerity to attain verse 12 of that goddam song. His parents not only applauded me, they gave me his little finger-soiled savings account booklet as reward. I treasure the $75.13 balance, too, and the 1.2% simple interest it garners. One day I'll cash it out for a mini-Ecstasy binge, but I'm waiting to meet Skippy for that particular trip.
Anyway, I'll never buy a product from those screwheads. That song sucks beyond measure. It's one thing to have a tin ear for an egregious repititious childrens' song. It's quite another to have a tin ear to your consumers' hatreds. Volvo: FAIL.
UH OH. The Velocidude AND Skippy in the same place at the same time?........{swoonzzzzzz} Lawd hep us all!
Posted by: imp at September 12, 2007 9:07 PM"Volvo" -- douchebag name. Can't fix it either.
Vovo ... Volo ... Volv... Vol ... Vov?
Seriously douchebag name.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at September 12, 2007 9:21 PMCoulda been worse. They could've used that fucking "Mnah Mnah" song.
Posted by: Elisson at September 12, 2007 11:07 PMYou're on! But I'll need heroin. Black tar, preferably. It'll help soothe my rattled nerves after killing that first hobo for the purpose of recreation. The first dead hobo of any road trip is always the hardest.
But I don't need to tell you that, now do I?
In any event, I say we take imp with us.
Posted by: skippystalin at September 13, 2007 1:34 AMWe'll need imp to lure the hobos, Skippy. I don't think me and you standing in the shadows with axe handles and come hither looks is going to cut it.
Posted by: Velociman at September 13, 2007 9:15 AMI hadn't seen that ad before. Then, a few hours after I read this, there it was. Man, that's obnoxious! Right up there with the Ovaltine ads.
Posted by: Peggy U at September 13, 2007 12:59 PMYou never know. I'm famous the world over for my come hither look. More so when I've been huffing ether for sixteen or seventeen hours.
I need imp because she thinks I'm hot and I have other unholy urges that need satisfying. Some people think that makes me needy, but fuck them. They have no idea what love is!
Posted by: skippystalin at September 13, 2007 2:43 PMHas anyone ever noticed that the Volvo logo is the circle with an arrow pointing up....the symbol for male? I think this is odd because around here, the Volvo is known as a "femme" car. Perhaps there is a great deal of symbolism and deep meaning in that. Or maybe I just think too much.
Posted by: DogsDontPurr at September 13, 2007 6:22 PMIts a damn Ford, what ya expect..
Posted by: james old guy at September 13, 2007 6:39 PMWell, I guess it’s a good thing then that none of you douchebags can afford a Volvo. Let’s begin the history lesson, shall we?
"Volvere" is the infinitive form of the verb "roll" in Latin. In its first person singular form, the verb "volvere" becomes "volvo", i.e. "I roll". As for the logo - the Volvo symbol is an ancient chemistry sign for iron. Iron was chosen to signify the strength of the iron used in the early cars and for the fact that Sweden is known for producing high quality iron (I thought Sweden was known for producing high-quality hot women, but whatever).
So. While you guys bemoan the fact that you hate that damn song you probably sang about 110,000 times as a toddler, let’s take notice of the fact that you took the time to blog about it and hence have helped Volvo & Arnold Worldwide achieve their mission.
As for me – come October I’ll be hurtling down the autobahn in my new Volvo singing “The Wheels on the Bus” at the top of my freakin’ lungs.
I was always partial to "99 bottles of beer on the wall" for long road trips.
Posted by: Libby at September 16, 2007 8:22 PMVery interesting, but "Volvo" s still a douchebag word.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at September 17, 2007 12:10 AMLame shit of a car. I made the mistake of buying the V-70R version, the so-called "performance" vehicle.
It got repo'd. Best thing that ever happened. Maybe some Swede will end up with it. Best revenge -- the "check engine" light stays on permanently.
Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie.