August 29, 2007
Dude, Where's My Car?
Well, it's in my garage. Now. What, I didn't tell you my car was stolen? Of course I didn't. I wanted to see how it turned out first. The last thing I needed during a stressful saga of indeterminate outcome was a lot of "sagacious" advice and Monday morning quarterbacking from you bunch of nipples.
Now that I have possession of my ride back, here's what happened. I left work Thursday and realized my gas gauge read Bone Dry. So I stopped on Phillips Highway to pump a quick three gallons. Yes, it is the haunt of drug dealers and whores, but I picked the best BP I could find. Threw the keys on the seat so I didn't have to hear the beep beep beep when I opened the door. I had no intention of going in the store. After pumping I decided I wanted a bottle of water. Forgot the keys weren't in my pocket. Got that, nipples? I forgot. So don't bother commenting on that fact. I just took that arrow out of your fucking quiver.
Thirty seconds to get the water. Walked out the door, the bitch was gone. Gone. GONE. Sumbitch. Cellphone in there, charging. Laptop. Checkbook in the briefcase. Sumbitch. Had to get flynny to come fetch me, take me to get a rental car.
Long story short, the cops passed the assholes at 3:00 this morning. Did a U Turn to check the tag, but the boyz had already pulled over and skedaddled.
The car seems okay, other than a busted rear tail light, a ton of cigar ash strewn about, and the fact it reeks of the intoxicating aroma of Bump Stopper 2.
Yes, I learned a Very Important Lesson. If you're going to get gas on Phillips Highway, pick up a whore first. Then the car thieves will leave you alone. You're one of them.
That bites, hard. Glad you got your car back; I'm assuming the cell & laptop were not there?
Posted by: Chickie at August 29, 2007 8:25 PMOf course not. Company laptop, insured. $50 deductible on the phone, already got the new one.
Posted by: Velociman at August 29, 2007 8:33 PMCome to Jersey. You can get gas without ever leaving the comfort of your ride.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at August 29, 2007 8:45 PMCome to Helen and eat at the Troll. You can get gas there too.
Posted by: Elisson at August 29, 2007 9:13 PMCouldn't you have just bribed Jim King to watch it for you while he was hanging around?
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 29, 2007 9:19 PMGo to Jersey. You can have your car stolen with you in it.
Posted by: Erica at August 29, 2007 9:44 PMYou left the keys on the seat??? You know that makes you gay, right?
Posted by: Jack Straw at August 29, 2007 10:01 PMNot having a whore on the passenger seat makes me gay.
Posted by: Velociman at August 29, 2007 10:10 PMKeys on the seat. WTF? Did you think it was Wilmington Island, circa the Carter Administration?
Posted by: rankin' rob at August 30, 2007 12:13 AMShoulda had the dog with you.
Posted by: Peggy U at August 30, 2007 12:36 AMBut then, I guess they wouldn't let you bring the dog to work.
Posted by: Peggy U at August 30, 2007 12:36 AMEvery car of mine which ever was stolen got recovered. The one where they caught the thieves, I had left a spare key in the glovebox that one night because I'd just picked it up from the mechanic. That was enough that our notably apathetic authorities didn't bother to prosecute.
One car came back with a bullet hole in it, another with a parking ticket on it.
Posted by: triticale at August 30, 2007 10:39 AMNipples! Nipples? First time I've been called that. Hey, thanks for the tip on the Bump Stopper. That stuff rocks - especially when you shave your taint. Glad to hear you got your car back. That particular offense should be punishable by death.
Posted by: Dash at August 30, 2007 11:55 AMI don't have a bunch of nipples... just two.
What kinda weirdos you hangin' with?
Sounds like a repeat of something that has happened to me.
Got my whore first. Still in my truck, 15 years later. Didn't get it stolen but saw a great bitch fight over a cigarette.
Dude, I am so sorry to hear that your car got stolen. That blows the big weenie, fo sho! Glad to hear you got it back ....want me to hold em while you hit em?
Posted by: kelly at August 31, 2007 12:08 PMDamn, you can't keep a cell phone lately to save your life!
Posted by: Maeve at August 31, 2007 4:36 PMWell, that's a huge relief. Last I heard, you were calling whores who had been using the missing cell phone and were getting wasted enough to go down there and try to find it.
Glad you got it back.
Posted by: Rosie at September 5, 2007 11:26 AM