August 19, 2007

Man's Best Friend

I had a really bad stomach virus the other day. Really bad. Had to stay home. But I accepted a call from a lady friend, and was trying to conduct a casual conversation when the urge hit me. Not wanting to interrupt a rather important moment in the conversation I took a stealth shit. Of course, it sounded like I was filling the bathtub on full throttle, but I pulled it off.

Couldn't flush and give it away, though, so I figured I'd flush that disgusting bowl when I got off the phone. I returned to my deathbed to continue the conversation. Then I heard the slurping. My dog was drinking that shit. I barked (heh) a NO! at her. She knew she was busted. So she jumped on the bed and started licking my face in atonement.

I got even with her when I projectile vomited on her, though.

My life is full of moments like this.

Posted by Velociman at August 19, 2007 10:20 PM | TrackBack
Comments

You best be making that up.

Posted by: Erica at August 19, 2007 11:19 PM

I dunno Erica, labs ARE pretty stupid dogs.

Posted by: Maeve at August 19, 2007 11:46 PM

Yea, and ONLY your life, thank God.

Sheesh.

Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark at August 20, 2007 12:00 AM

Dogs do some fantastically nauseating things. My aunt's dog stole a turkey carcass off the table and ate it, then crapped all over her house upstairs AND down, even managing to trail it over the sofa.

A friend's dog occasionally poops on the floor, then gets embarrassed and eats it, then gets ill and throws it up, and finishes off by dragging household objects (eg, pillows, rugs, magazines) over to cover up the indiscretion.

My dad had a dog who used to hang out nearby when he was shoeing the horses. He'd eat the hoof clippings, only to puke them up later - usually when the family was sitting down to dinner. Hoof clippings don't smell good.

Finally, there is my friend's dog who likes to steal dirty underwear from the hamper and lick them. I don't let dogs "kiss" me.

Posted by: Peggy U at August 20, 2007 12:32 AM

And what a full, full life it is.

Posted by: Elisson at August 20, 2007 5:58 AM

Maybe you have an ingrown asshole.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at August 20, 2007 8:55 AM

There are good reasons to be a cat person...

Posted by: rankin' rob at August 20, 2007 8:55 AM

Labs will pretty much drink or eat anything. I had one that would eat pine cones and crawfish shells. I guess she needed more roughage. I sure felt sorry for her asshole, though. That had to hurt.

Posted by: Dash at August 20, 2007 9:19 AM

Dog thoughts:
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Dad left me some treats in the big ceramic drinking bowl. Wow, there's even some corn in that piece! Must go thank him now. He likes it when I lick him in the face. Wow. He just spewed some more treats on me. Yum! What a great Dad. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy."

Posted by: Jerry at August 20, 2007 10:04 AM

Thanks for making me ill this morning.

Posted by: Chickie at August 20, 2007 10:24 AM

Nothing like a shitty story.

Posted by: LeeAnn at August 20, 2007 12:23 PM

Now THAT needs a Daddy Barrier!

Posted by: steelheader at August 20, 2007 2:02 PM

Need I point out that once again the male aversion to seat lowering rears (heh) its ugly head? I, too, am guilty of the stealth poop but I put the lid down!! It'll learn ya.

Posted by: LauraB at August 20, 2007 3:41 PM

Aciddude would be so proud.

Posted by: caltechgirl at August 20, 2007 5:27 PM

Had a dog and took him to the airport in Houston to pick up your Aunt Jean comming from Chicago,once. Dog shitted in the car and tracked it from front seat to back seat lots of times. Lots of times...........Barking and barking
Smelled like dog shit. Bad dog shit. Drove home in the 68 Galixy 500 2 door yellow 3 speed on the colmun home with the windows down. We sat on dirty laundry.

Posted by: Don Jr. at August 20, 2007 5:29 PM

You've inspired me, Vman.

I've written an homage to our local sewer-treatment employees.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 20, 2007 6:42 PM

I am in fucking awe.

Posted by: og at August 20, 2007 9:57 PM

aw, c'mon now!!! I just brought home a puppy!

Posted by: Jean at August 20, 2007 10:41 PM

This brought a tear to my eye. It was that beautiful and poetic.

Posted by: Dick at August 21, 2007 9:13 AM

Bwa-agghhh!

I do b'leve you've just blown every crapblogger out of the water with that one.

Hail the New King!

Posted by: Desert Cat at August 21, 2007 4:08 PM

Dogs are so descriminating in what they eat. Take our female, she likes her treats warm. In fact, if she can stand and eat the male dog's shit AS HE IS VOIDING IT, it is the best damned treat around.

Posted by: bogie at August 24, 2007 6:38 AM

Definitely enjoying your work Gino!! You're very tltneaed and the emotions in your stories are truly amazing and capture me in a way that a story never has before. I look forward to reading everything you post. Also, your taste in music is incredible! By the way, Tori Amos, Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain, Trent Reznor, Maynard James Keenan.. hmm you're a sneaky one

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