June 22, 2007
Madison Avenue and the Rotted Cock
I'm suffering unto at least month four of the goddam Valtrex commercial wherein the guy says, with a grin, that he has genital herpes, and his girlfriend says, with a grin, she don't, and they want to keep it that way!
Well, no shit. So does her mom and dad, and the Centers for Disease Control, and the National Institutes of Health, and, above all, me.
Because that's a putrid commercial.
And that guy? I don't like him. He's a greaseball. Some kind of ethnic. Greek, or Bolivian, I think. Might be a Phoenician. They catch that shit all the time, the Phoenicians.
So my advice is: I hope she's not planning on sucking that Phoenician's cock anytime soon. Because my prostitute friends tell me once the genital herpes (Simplex II) migrates to your face, you're fucked for life. Not like getting a cold sore on your schvance. No sir.
But at least they're actors.
But every day, some real life idiot knowingly porks someone with raging herpes, and some guy barebacks an HIV cowboy in a bathhouse.
Kinda makes drunk driving look like bumper cars, don't it?
You're a fuckin' ray of sunshine, ain't ya?
I hate that commercial, too. Mainly because just the thought of STDs is enough to make me pucker. Single life sucks enough as it is without wondering whether or not you're gonna start pissing razor blades and breaking out into sores simply because you nailed Miss Wrong. Getting laid shouldn't feel like playing Russian roulette.
Posted by: zonker at June 23, 2007 12:59 AMThat's why you should buy your girls from Estonia, Zonk. Cheap, clean, blonde. Get with the program, hammerhead!
Posted by: Velociman at June 23, 2007 1:13 AMHa -- as a lab geek I can tell you that in the real world HSV I & II have become virtually interchangeable. I'm as likely to see a mouth lesion grow HSVII and a genital one type I as vice-versa. You see anyone with a 'cold sore' on their mouth and it is every bit as likely to be Type II as Type I. They may not have gotten it from oral sex, but they may have swapped spit (or other bodily fluids, including saliva on a shared eating or drinking utensil) with, or touched a doorknob after, someone who has Type II -- all it takes, kids. Bottom line is, herpes is herpes. And WTF makes you think that an Estonian is going to be clean just because she's cheap -- check out the stats on incidence of HIV infection in all of the former Soviet satellites. Christ on a popsicle-stick, if you guys don't wanta get dosed, wrap it up!!! At least HSV won't kill you, and goes dormant eventually, but there's a lot of shit out there that doesn't, so if you can't practice restraint & common sense, at least employ universal hygiene precautions and barrier protection! Look at the outbreaks of mysterious icky sore throats that continue to pop up amongst small-town high school kids -- fuckin' (ok, pun intended) "I promised Daddy I'd save it for marriage" debs, or just I don't wanna get knocked up 'nice girls' are ending up with raging cases of gonorrhea in their throats because giving head isn't really having relations (thank you William Jefferson Clinton) after all. Technical virginity doesn't mean squat to your friendly neighborhood virus or spirochete. And personally, I don't think ANY health issues need to be Madison avenue fodder and I tend to vehemently boycott any drug I see advertised on TV. Why should those pukes make millions preying on the ignorance and fears of sheeple (H/T Rob Smith!) who are too stupid to educate themselves?
Sorry, V-dude -- you got me in 2 of my biggest pet peeves at one swell foop. I'll go away now.
Damn. Vman's back.
Posted by: og at June 23, 2007 6:49 AMSpeaking of festering lesions, it's Gay Pride Weekend in ATL. I'll see you all at the Barbra Streisand Movie at Piedmont Park tonight...
Posted by: rankin' rob at June 23, 2007 10:33 AMThere're advantages to bein' an Old Married Dude.
Dayum, there's stuff out there'll make your dong turn green, turn around, and burrow up into your own colon like a goddamn tapeworm. (Just ask Zonker!) Sheesh!
Posted by: Elisson at June 24, 2007 7:33 PMJumpin' Jesus, this is pure, unadulterated, Classic Velociman !!! Hunter Thompson would be envious.
Posted by: Jack Straw at June 25, 2007 12:46 AMI thought Phoenicians were extinct.
Posted by: PeggyU at June 25, 2007 6:06 PM