May 26, 2007
Smoking Carnivore, Seeks Same
Okay, I confess. In a fit of sheer ennui I've dabbled in the local online dating scene. Jesus Christ! No wonder they call this town Freakville. Here's a hint, ladies: if you have to pick a picure to post, don't use the one where you look like you were just Tasered. Although the open mouth is intriguing, I prefer my dates conscious when I do that. Usually.
And the questions! They all click the same buttons:
Smoke? No Way!
Drink? Moderate, maybe one or two.
Well, not if you're on a date with me. I want to ply so much tequila in you, you vomit on my shoes. Now we're cool.
They don't address the important questions, either.
Swallow? Yes/No
Buttsex? Yes/No
May I defecate on you? Yes/Yes
Because I don't care how much you like those long walks on the beach, when we get back to the condo I want to know if I can lay a skinny on you. Hey! You threw up on my shoes, didn't you? Tit for tat, baby.
Just kidding, of course. Although as I was floating in the pool today, soaking some much needed Florida sunshine into my porage, sucking on a 12 foot hose of quarter inch snaked into a bottle of Crown Royal (Yes/No!) I thought: I should start my own online dating service. To cater to the freaks, pervs, crimps, spungs, and feebs out there. In other words, the 95% of the populace that doesn't fit the eHarmony demongraphic of tight-assed losers.
I'll have to think about this. I think it is a post unto itself. But think about this as a critical Yes/No: Cigarette-burn tattoos? Personally, I'm fer 'em.
I think you're on to something - I'd join up even though I'm married just to see all the interesting profiles. eHarmony commercials make me want to puke.
Posted by: Chickie at May 26, 2007 7:56 PMI'm thinking "eHornyMe". Kinda has a ring to it, don't it?
Posted by: Velociman at May 26, 2007 7:59 PMcha ching. i can help you out with the first hundred candidates for your first annual FreakMeat 2007. i've dated them, trust me, they are over qualified and right here in my phone...
i'll hook you up, dude.
Posted by: shoe at May 26, 2007 9:01 PMI took the eharmony test for grins, and answered everything honestly, and received a terse email telling me that, of all of their hundreds of thousands of users, I was not compatible with a single one of them. Even the toothless grannies.
This did not come as much of a surprise.
Posted by: Bane at May 26, 2007 11:01 PMIt's already online. It's called MySpace...
Posted by: Richard at May 27, 2007 5:36 AMchemistry.com is now advertising itself as an antidote to eharmony. Haven't checked it out myself.
Posted by: sama at May 27, 2007 3:47 PMI am, admittedly, desperate enough to try eHarmony, although my answer to "May I defecate on you?" would not be in the affirmative. Sick fucker.
Posted by: Erica at May 27, 2007 9:39 PMDude -- sign me up! I played with match.com when it first came out. Be still, my stomach! Did get a girlfriend hooked up and hitched by making her put up a profile, but still ... those people on there were ALL whack -- "demongraphic of tight-assed losers" indeed!!! That's priceless! I'd rather be single, thank you very much. And, Erica -- no, you're not desperate enough for eHarmony, either, because you have a brain. And little tolerance for assholes, am I right? I rest my case. V-man, get crackin' -- great idea!!!
Posted by: Marianne at May 29, 2007 1:40 AMMy God... I am sooo happy I'm married. (yes happily married!) I couldn't do the dating thing at all. Just couldn't.
Posted by: Teresa at May 29, 2007 9:17 PMAnd all the chicks say, "I just want a guy who will make me laugh" and "I'm equally happy with a night on the town or at home with a Blockbuster video."
:hurl:
Posted by: sadie at May 31, 2007 12:42 PMehornyme.com appears to be available. Better hop on it!
Posted by: Key at June 1, 2007 11:30 PM