May 25, 2007

Little Miss Early Mouth Murdered by Psychotic Alabama Boy


Delta, Alabama (AP)

Little Miss Early Mouth, reknowned porcine star of feverish dreams and likely paramour of famed Georgia legislator The Senator, was brutally slain by an 11-year-old in Delta, Alabama, in what Anniston County District Attorney Clevis Barrow called "a despicable, wanton act of murder." The boy, Jamison Stone, apparently accosted Ms. Early Mouth in an isolated fen on a local hunting preserve, and savagely murdered her with a Saturday Night Special he'd stolen for the purpose.

"It feels really good," Stone is purported to have said when confronted with the murder. "It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big," he bragged after posing for a photograph with his victim, taken by an unknown accomplice.

District Attorney Barrow said the boy would be held for psychological evaluation at the Anniston Regional Juvenile Detention Center pending filing of appropriate charges.

Early Mouth, 57, was a familiar personality in the southeastern United States, having held a recurring role in the fever swamps of The Senator's nightmares, and having been photographed on at least three occasions cavorting naked during the seasonal rut with south Georgia Lothario Hogzilla, antics purported to have inspired the later slatternly behavior of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Hogzilla was found shotgunned and buried in a shallow grave outside of Alapaha, Georgia, in 2004. A local idiot savant, Chris Griffin, was questioned in the murder but later exonerated of all charges after a National Geographic forensic team questioned the remains as that of Hogzilla.

"Hogzilla was 1,000 pounds of well-hung boarhog," explained forensic team leader Ellroy Futch. "The cadaver we exhumed was a mere 800 pounds, and was, shall we say, somewhat less endowed than the Hogzilla we came to know and love in such underground 8mm pornographic films as Hog Wild! and Meat the Parents." Controversy still surrounds the death, however, as rumor persists that several loins and some hocks had been removed from Hogzilla's carcass for the annual Big Pig Jig in nearby Vienna, Georgia, thus reducing the cadaver's overall weight.

Early Mouth first came to national attention when a twelve-year-old, who would only identify himself as Velociboy Jones, claimed he had witnessed an involuntary nocturnal emission by The Senator in 1969 during a Time Tunnel episode, with Miss Early Mouth being named as the object of desire. She later surfaced in such bootleg cartrunk classics as Porkin' and Hot Greasy Loins.

In lieu of flowers donations can be made to Sweatt's Abattoir, Blitchton, Georgia.

Ms. Hilton could not be reached for comment.

Posted by Velociman at May 25, 2007 8:52 PM | TrackBack

My God Almighty.

When you weave a yarn, you end up with a whole sweater. I bow to your skills. Damn.

Posted by: og at May 25, 2007 9:50 PM

How the hell does a hog get that big?

Great story.

Posted by: LeeAnn at May 26, 2007 12:16 AM

It's looks too real to have been doctored (and eerily similar to the Photoshop beneath this post), but please, God, tell me...a behemoth that size did not really freely roam the earth, and in the South, did it?

Posted by: Erica at May 26, 2007 12:52 AM

wow, saw this yesterday. printed the article off fox for my camo honies. way bigger than the famous hogzilla.

poor kid said he'd probably never kill anything that big again. let's hope not, course he's never been to a blogmeet far as i know. and my eyes rolls back in mine haid.

Posted by: shoe at May 26, 2007 8:01 AM

To write a post like that, you have to have been huffing a mixture of bacon fat, Tennessee moonshine, Elliss Dee, and the fumes from the burning Okefenokee. Jee-Zus.

Wish I'd a done it...but posts like this are the exclusive province of the Bloggy Faulkner.

Posted by: Elisson at May 26, 2007 8:41 AM

damn... see how good you are?
I am proud to have heard the tale of Ms Swine in real-life personage...

Posted by: Jean at May 26, 2007 10:12 AM

Jp06NR Very neat article post.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.

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