Velociworld

A Desultory Precis

of the Republican debate. Because I only watched about 15 minutes, having to fight the dog for the Delmonico bone out on the lanai:

John McCain: Powerful man, compelling message. Totally unelectable. It's the Cuckoo Factor, stupid!

Rudy Guiliani: Very slicked back. As sleek as the baton that went up Abner Louima's anus. I like him.

Mitt Romney: He's the guy Central Casting calls up to play a telegenic, graying at the temples, completely vapid doofus President controlled by evil minions. And he made a couple of hundred million how? Hard work? Disconnect! Still think he has 8 wives. Mormon cocksucker.

Tommy Thompson: That motherfucker has some big ears. Until he spoke I thought he was a cigar store Indian. Actually, now that I think about it, it was after he spoke.

Mike Huckleberry: He stole Thompson's ears!

Sam Brokeback: He seemed pretty straight up for, you know, one of those people.

Jim Gilmore looked sexier when he was a Gilmore Girl.

Too bad Tancredo didn't show up. Oh. That was him?

Who the fuck was the old guy?

My choice, based upon absolutely nothing? Wendell Goler for President! Hey, he's a black guy, I think. Looks like a red liquor drinker, possible glue huffer. I like that in a man, and rest my case.

P.S. I've been a bit cruel, of course. No wonder they seemed stooped and tired, what with Fred Thompson's enormous invisible ballsack on their shoulders.