Velociworld

WTF?

I got home today, and as I was changing my clothes the dog kept barking in the bedroom. Out the window, I supposed, therefore I cursed her heartily several times, as the sliding door was open, and she could have investigated any untoward happenings in the backyard without all that fuss.

When I exited the closet, however, she was barking at something under the bed. Great, thinks I, a damned snake. Possibly a possum, but I don't know how that could have happened. I gingerly lifted the dust ruffle (fuck you very much, don't even go there) and saw the above. A farging sizeable box turtle, trapped in a piece of my Rubbermaid. Under my bed. Trying to escape.

Oh ho, thinks me. What the devil is this bullshit? It's a hell of a thing, finding a terrapinesque creature under your bed, especially one trapped in a container it can't escape. So let's recap:

1. I live alone.

2. My daughter is dropped off here every day by the bus, but not today, and she was totally flummoxed when I called her.

3. It couldn't escape from the Rubbermaid, so it's highly unlikely it escaped into the Rubbermaid. The walls are too high.

4. I keep my house locked. In fact, it's on a lockbox, and it hasn't been shown for a week.

5. If this thing had been under my bed for any length of time it would be dead, rotting, and smelly, so this is a recent home invasion.

6. Why under the bed?

7. What the fuck, exactly, is going on?

8. Must a blogger die, even for a practical joke?

No, this is a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, stuffed inside an enigma enchilada. Or whatever. It's a conundrum, a poser, a skull scratcher.

Damned if I can figure it out. Someone broke into my house, left my guns and valuables, and left a turtle under my bed in a food storage bin.

It's a crazy world. That's for sure.

EPILOGUE: I released the reptile in my next door neighbor's yard. Because of my curiosity besoaked dog. I later heard her barking in the den, so I investigated, and found her trying to crack open the turtle. Fortunately, its shell was too big for her to get a decent purchase with her jaws, but she'd bloodied it up a bit. I re-released it, and hope to see it nevermore. (Cried the raven, Nevermore!)

UPDATE: I found this in the corner of the bedroom:

It appears to be turtle excrement. And, NO, I didn't sniff it for verification. My experience has taught me that one animal's asshole smells pretty much like the rest of them. I'm only following bona fide leads here, folks. I did burn it in the backyard, though, to test the age, the freshified quality, the tinderbox level. It didn't burn well at all, suggesting a recent evacuation. It did have a peaty smell to it, however. Think about that at your next Scotch tasting, gentlemen.

The game is afoot!