April 8, 2007
JITTERBUG!
Those who know me (and ye are few) know how I despise the Jitterbug phones. Stupidified cell phones for, let's face it, our decrepitly aged parents. Their slogan should be "Even you can operate it, you fucking moron."
My fave is the Jitterbug One Touch. It's really a three touch, of course. 3 big, BIG buttons:
OPERATOR
Hep! Hep! Fix my broken wing! My colon's twisted, too!
TOW
I'm broked down! Canne givva lift? I doned run the Caddylac aground agin!
911
Heart attack! Going down! Myocardial infarctixxsnxzz... Never mind.
Man, I wish I could pare my life down to three buttons. Actually, I probably could.
NO SMOKES! button
NO BOOZE! button
NO TWAT! button
Of course, all that would fall by the wayside when I looked imploringly at my taxicab delivered prostitute, Saran-wrapped with Winstons and minibottles, and gasped, JJJJJItterbug! Face it. No game there.
Anyway, these phones give me the creeps. Should my parents even be alive I would counsel against them. "No good!" I would say. "I always thought of you as more organic. Don't you fucking hit that TOW button!". I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
I have a new business model in mind. Based on the rampant STD's the old folk are sharing at The Villages, and other active retirement homes: Jitbug. One button. A shot of intense antibiotics in the bum bum. All done.
I like it.
You know that they are made for old people, when they run adds on TV, they are ten times louder than all the others. Fuckem, I hate those things.
Posted by: Catfish at April 8, 2007 9:39 AMOne of the truest marks of genius is the ability to pare a thing down to it's essentials.
Fuck nuance.
Posted by: Randy Rager at April 8, 2007 9:57 AMI'm surprised they don't have an elderly caveman holding it...wait, I guess there really wasn't such a thing as an elderly caveman...
Posted by: Grumpy Old Ham at April 8, 2007 10:45 AMThe older the spoiled issue from the loins of the greatest generation get, the more sad they become. Three buttons my ass. Although I think, once again, Velociman has a better idea. Just give two buttons for twat, one for cigars, and one for booze. I think I could live with that.
Posted by: Eddie at April 8, 2007 9:38 PMI'm downtown with you man...but I'd add the TRIM button for sure.
Posted by: Yabu at April 8, 2007 10:09 PMBetter yet, why not wire that fucker directly into the brainpan? Then allus ya gotta do is push a button and get a jolly jolly Jolt o' Pleasure delivered right to the sweet spot in the ol' cerebrum.
Hamburger.
Pizza.
Orgasm.
End of school.
End of school.
End of school.
Orgasm.
We'd be a Generation o' Beethovens on that keyboard...
Posted by: Elisson at April 8, 2007 10:27 PMThat's one of the funniest things I've ever read.
Posted by: Jack Straw at April 8, 2007 11:28 PMI thought you could dial 911 from any charged cell phone regardless of service. Or maybe that's apocryphal and I've been keeping that damned charged dino in my jeep for nothin.
Call me old fashioned, but I'm more in favor of traditional ways of fleecing my esteemed elders out of green stuff.
Like, "Mom...Dad...Help! I'm in jail!"
Posted by: Rosie at April 9, 2007 5:35 PMAny active cell phone will try to register on any compatible network it encounters. The network will grant one of three statii; direct, roaming, or emergency service only. Unless a site is barred for maintenance, any phone using the appropriate technology (GSM, CDMA or some relic) will be able to reach the Public Service Access Point. I remember one county where, due to trunking issues, 911 calls thru the provider I was testing for actually reached sheriff's dispatch on the non-emergency line.
Posted by: triticale at April 9, 2007 7:59 PM... post, muthafucka....
Posted by: Eric at April 10, 2007 11:18 PMhappy birthday!
Posted by: holder at April 11, 2007 6:03 PMHappy Birthday!
Posted by: Bou at April 11, 2007 6:14 PMewwww. you lost me at twat, vman, that ain't sexy at any age, in any language or dialect. with a million beatiful words for that part and all the shit you could make up...twat?? what gives?
Posted by: shoe at April 11, 2007 7:20 PMoh, and happy birthday you lovable freak you.
Posted by: shoe at April 11, 2007 7:21 PMI skinned the lemurs per your request of a lemurskin loincloth - but the hides have yet to cure. Happy Birthday nonetheless, sire.
Posted by: Cythen at April 11, 2007 10:49 PMHappy Birthday. Drinks are on me.
Posted by: Libby at April 12, 2007 12:40 AMHappy Birthday!
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Hunter S. Thompson
Happy Belated Birthday, Vman... please post again soon. How about birthday stories??
Posted by: Jean at April 12, 2007 2:03 AMHappy Day
Posted by: Hoosierboy at April 12, 2007 8:55 AMI heard it was your birthday! Hope it was a Happy One!!!
Posted by: oddybobo at April 12, 2007 9:54 AMStop JITTERBUGGING and post something on yo natal day...
Posted by: Ramjet at April 12, 2007 4:54 PMHey Ellison, nice way to steal Chris Rush's lines.
Posted by: wheezy at May 25, 2007 9:09 PM