March 16, 2007
Iron Lung Logic
No, that's not the name of a metal band, but it should be. Those of us of a certain age remember the iron lung, though, and the terror appertaining thereto:
Believe it or not, the iron lung was not the last baleful residence of the chainsmoker, but a negative pressure ventilator more commonly used for polio patients, whose diaphragms had been irrevocably bloked by the 'litis.
But to us kids it was brandished as a screed against smoking, and we drank that particular Kool-Ade. And why not? The iron lung bespoke the iron mask, and the iron maiden. It was another torture device, only one that one sentenced oneself to, through Weaknesses and Vice. Every person my age had a friend when they were 9 or 10 who had a relative entrapped in one of those beasts. Usually a grandparent, or a queer old aunt.
Iron lung! Christ! Make it go away!
But this isn't really about the old iron lung. It's really about poor choices, and redemption. For redemption can be had, for a price. And that price is never the redemptee's, either. Therein lie da sweetness.
I'm not a lawyer, see, but I play one on the internet. And should you suffer from one of the following illnesses or ailments:
Mesothelioma
Agent Orange
Black lung disease
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Wettage of the beddage
Lung cancer
Lead paint dimwittage
Gulf War Syndrome
Libertarianism
PCB exposure
High red blood cell count
High white blood cell count
Thinning of the eggs
Hardening of the eggs
Evaporation and/or glandularization of the eggs
Pindick syndrome
Smallcockage
Dioxin poisoning, or
Love Canalage
well, I can't exactly represent you in court, but I do believe I can raise enough Holy Hell in the Court of Public Opinion to exact an out of court settlement, just to avoid publicity, and that ain't shabby stuff, as they say on Skid Row.
How does $250,000, bifurcated twixt you and me, sound? I thought so. And a little left over for Queer Aunt Sally? You will be forever an official Hero/Heroin in your family. Think about that.
I'm here to help. So help Me help You.
It's for Sally, you know. And the children. You know: them Thalidomides.
I always thought that was the purpose of the Steve Winwood song- "bring me an iron lung". I figgered it was the Marlboro smoker's song.
Bring me an iron lung
Bring me an iron lung
Bring me an iron lung
Where's that Iron lung I keep dreaming of?
Well I DID have an iron lung set up in my apt. as a bar, circa 1974. It was kinda awesome. Took up a lot of room though.
Posted by: belinda at March 16, 2007 8:38 AMAren't the thalidomides just lovely looking children. Them there children you really want in your gene pool.
Posted by: Kelly at March 16, 2007 8:47 AMI need some assistance with this damn
Tourette Syndrome. When the hell are you
available?
"New use found for the old Iron Lung!"
In newspaper headlines was sung.
"Just insert your "Girth Vader":
See its girth become greater!"
Even V-Man can now be Well-Hung.
Or as haiku, Elisson:
Pulmonary angst,
Breathing is shallow and slight
Daisies smell lovely
Belinda,
I remember that iron lung dry bar. Perhaps that explains my terror.
Posted by: Velociman at March 16, 2007 1:13 PMOnly $250,000? She--eet. That other guy on the television promised me a cool half mil. What kind of a lawyer are you?
Posted by: Libby at March 16, 2007 4:55 PMHaiku II
Thalidomide's, Shalidomide's
.
The shortage of dick is a trick
And not genetic
Whatever says the chick
I have got a big dick
.
My lung
Is sung
Overwrought
Like it ought
.
Aunt Sally
Dwelled in a alley
She had a pally
With whom she did dally
.
Haiko III ?
how about micropenis?
Posted by: billfry at March 16, 2007 6:19 PM... maybe it's just me, but that chick pictured in the iron lung sure looks pleased with herself....
Posted by: Eric at March 16, 2007 7:27 PMI woulda liked an iron lung...but it chafed my flippers.
Posted by: Rosie at March 16, 2007 8:51 PMI wrangled my way up a neighbor's tree to fetch a kid's kite. I'm pretty sure I contracted Dutch Elm disease. Can ya do anything about that?
Posted by: El Capitan at March 18, 2007 12:31 AMDude! You are channeling the Senator!
On another note, "A good goat will do that!"
Cracked up one of my buddies with that joke.
Posted by: Denny at March 18, 2007 10:28 PMNot a bad post. Why not dig up a whole batch of 1950s black-and-whites and do a series? They definitely hit one of your inspirational veins.
Posted by: Jack Straw at March 18, 2007 10:52 PMLove Canalage
That's one thing us straight guys never have to worry about.
NTTAWWT.
Posted by: McGehee at March 19, 2007 9:21 AM