January 23, 2007
Epitaph
You know how the media types have canned obits, ready to roll out at a moment's notice should a Big Dog succumb on short notice? Sometimes the wires get crossed, too, and some faintly remembered octegenarian will stare at the television and mindlessly fondle his shriveled ballsack while NBC mistakenly proclaims he is Deceased. Hey. It happens.
Why I decided I should nip that sort of thing in the bud, and write my own obituary should I ever become, shall we say, notorious. So far I've come up with this:
Velociman led what many consider a wasted, profligate life, his potential unrealized, until he distinguished himself in the Monkey Pox Wars of 2011-2014, although his fealty to the Imperial Dugong in that era resurrected the conventional wisdom that his supposed libertarian streak was in fact a thinly-veiled fascism, a charge he pointedly refused to disavow. In fact, his manifesto, Mein Manatee, written while he was incarcerated in the Florida State Penitentiary at Starke, seemed to confirm his ambiguous nature.
All I have so far. But it's easy to get ahead of oneself, non?
It took years, I thought it could be a decade or more, but I (we)finally trumped the v-man. Or I have to admit, the fatman led frat guys did. Annually we submit updated obits. Updated isn't correct since completely revised would be a more correct description. I let my new girlfriend write it this year. Considering she's known me for 4 months out of 50 years, her version is probably more accurate.
Posted by: Dishonorable Schooboy at January 23, 2007 9:45 PMWell, you haven't trumped me until you've submitted mine.
Posted by: velociman at January 23, 2007 9:57 PMManatee gals wontcha come out tonight,
come out tonight,
come out tonight.
Manatee gals wontcha come out tonight,
and fuck by the light of the moon.
Shit, out loud again? sorry.
Posted by: og at January 23, 2007 10:14 PMDAMN that Absinthe. Fickle bitch, eh? Never know which way the bones will roll.
Posted by: Bane at January 23, 2007 10:55 PMSo, you're expecting to do prison time at Starke?
Posted by: Jean at January 23, 2007 11:16 PMI think you're on the right track.
Posted by: Lisa W. at January 23, 2007 11:17 PMYou should get something in there, though, about your brief stint as a Studio 54 Dancer with Eric. It's only fair you share _all_ aspects of your life, right?
Posted by: Lisa W. at January 23, 2007 11:18 PMYou forgot the part about being an inveterate bone reader.
Posted by: Dash at January 23, 2007 11:59 PM...and the fact that "he was found with approximately 250 rattlesnake bites covering a large portion of his torso".
dang, could have used that at helen 05. i was sure you were a goner.
Posted by: shoe at January 24, 2007 7:08 AMI think you have to mention your stint living along the worst stretch of Memorial Drive in ATL in the early 1980s when you were considered top suspect 1-A in the missing and murdered children's investigation. It wouldn't be journalistically sound otherwise.
Posted by: rankin' rob at January 24, 2007 11:35 AMI think Og just made me shit a blood clot.
Damn, it's depressing when your commenters are funnier than anything I ever got-damn write...
You, on the other hand...wasted and profligate do not begin to scrape the crust offa that oozy surface.
Posted by: Elisson at January 24, 2007 6:13 PMWhat, son of eli, you never rolled up a manatee in the moonlight and slipped it in? a warm summer evening caressing the flippers of a whiskered mermaid? Hell, I live in Indiana. You're right down there, all the damned time.
Posted by: og at January 24, 2007 10:26 PM... as I shall most likely be the last human alive on the planet after The Great Cull, there will be no one left to write my obit.....
Posted by: Eric at January 26, 2007 3:47 PM