November 17, 2006
Snow Birds
With all due respect to my Yankee and Canuck friends I hate the annual influx of the so-called Snow Birds. I say so-called because I generally call them what they really are: infernal trespassers. They're like Irish Travellers. You welcome them like you would an itinerant grifter, or a moonstruck street preacher. And, yes, most keep moving on to south Florida, but not before they drive through the guts of my city, and help ensnarl southbound 95 rush hour traffic every day.
Can't drive worth a shit. Only stop in Freakville to gas up or deposit their mephitic tocsins in the Cracker Barrel lavatory.
We get so many damned Snow Birds I petitioned the Department of the Interior to classify the Mercury Grand Marquis as a migratory species.
And what's worse is that they've become like fucking Canadian Geese, the Tourette's Macoutes of waterfowl. The geese have realized they like it down here, so now they stay. Don't even bother to migrate back north. It's damfuk cold up there! Even in the summer! So they loll around all year now, the execrable vermin. Same thing with Snow Birds.
They do creepy things, too, these fiends. They line dance:
They play bingo:
But worst of all they pop Viagra and rut like senile old goats and give each other sexually transmitted diseases.
Fuck! It's a crazy world down here.
Amen!...90+ miles south of you ain't no better.
Posted by: Jean at November 18, 2006 12:14 AMyep, bring back soylent green!!
Posted by: shoe at November 18, 2006 8:50 AMGeez, sounds like I'll have fun down there in Florida end of next month! I'll have to make a mental note to stay away from all those old men with frontal protuberances.
Don't worry though, Vman, this Canuck will be headed back up north in 8 short days. I like winter and snow. It's fun.
Posted by: Lisa W. at November 18, 2006 9:11 AMAnd don't even try to get into a Denny's between 5 and 6pm...
Posted by: rankin' rob at November 18, 2006 3:35 PMThis would be why I stay up North. If they're down there, they aren't up here. Only the younger really bad drivers are here.
Posted by: Teresa at November 19, 2006 12:38 AMI wrote a "living will" to authorise my NOK to kill me dead (preferably by heavy calibre gunfire) if I ever:
A. attempt to eat an "early bird" meal,
B. attend a community "sing along",
C. buy or otherwise attempt to obtain Viagra, either legally or otherwise,
D. go to a line dance or "afternoon tea" dance,
E. start moving locations seasonally because either "too hot" or "too cold",
F. hand in my guns because "I don't need them anymore"
Notarized, too.
Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant at November 19, 2006 7:42 AMI remember one year we were seriously going to try and get a bill drafted to keep those sons a bitches off the roads between 6&9am and 4&6pm. We figured Denny's and McDonalds would keep the bill from passing. They'd lose too much business.....
Posted by: Tammi at November 19, 2006 2:40 PMAt least you posted this and got the saggy tittie commitee offa the top of your page.
Posted by: Richard at November 19, 2006 6:52 PMI thought all geese were Canadian.
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