November 16, 2006
Bazooka Joe
the girls called me in college. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact I had almost as much coming out the rear end as the front end during les affaires du coeur, but there's no such thing as bad attention, even gastrointestinally.
That guy on the right looks like he's firing from both ends, for instance.
Which brings me to the real Bazooka Joe. Or I should say the old Bazooka Joe. Look how he's changed over the years:
That's bullshit! What's even worse is what they've done to poor Mort:
He looks like a fucking alien now.
Little known Velocifact: I once went to a Halloween party dressed as Mort. Easy costume, too. A little hair gel, a $10 red turtleneck pulled up around the nose, et voila! Did anyone know who I was supposed to be? Hell, no. A few people asked if I was a hot dog. I said No, I'm a bazooka, blowing at both ends. No! Wait! I'm Mort! I believe they made the tippling motion behind my back, the bastards. Who invited Velocisot?
Anyway, somebody needs to go to Topps, Inc. and kick them in the balls. Making Mort an alien. That's like giving Jesus a nipple ring. Some things you just don't do.
... Jesus' Nipple Ring.... now there is a blog name for you....
Posted by: Eric at November 16, 2006 8:23 PMI just want a copy of the Johnson Smith catalog they used to give you when you sent in your sweaty 50 cent piece and ten wrappers- full of tricks, toys, novelty devices.
Posted by: og at November 16, 2006 8:24 PM"Johnson Smith." That who you call to get your Johnson straightened out?
Evolution (maybe "devolution" is a better word. We are Devo!) of our cartoony heroes has proceeded apace, like it or not. Look at Betty Crocker, f'rinstance. Or Aunt Jemima. Jemima started out looking like Hattie fucking McDaniel, and now she's more like Beyoncé.
Hell, even Chuck E. Cheese wears his goddamned cap backwards and his pants halfway down to his ankles. Yo.
Posted by: Elisson at November 16, 2006 9:05 PMThey've given Colonel Sanders such a makeover that he looks like a decrepit San Francisco queen in a string tie. There is neither respect nor decency in marketing, at least not since the patent medicine days.
Oh, and they reformulated the damn gum to make it softer. These pathetic kids today don't have to suffer like we did.
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