November 1, 2006
Rumors of my Demise were Understated...
Eric put up the below post the other day, but I was compelled to take it down temporarily. Eric, you see, had trespassed, and so I had to punish him. I was in the mood to fuck with someone anyway, truth be told, and I could fuck with Eric without hoisting my slothful ass out of bed. A 14-calorie Beat Down. Also, he knows I don't like people who suffer from epillipsis seizures contaminating my site.
I don't suffer well the abuse of guest keys. Ask Elisson. His password is still taped up in a shoe box on a tadpole diet. Look, there are only two commandments in Velociworld:
I. Thou Shalt Not Insult Velociman's Delicate Sensibilities; and
II. Thou Shalt Not Trespass Upon Velociman's Magikal Realm
Actually, there is a third: Thou Shalt Feel Free to Show Velociman Thine Tits; but this is merely a distaff commandment. I have no desire to see GuyK's tits.
The blank page makes a statement too, you know. In this case it was the fact I had seen Queen Latifah's bare naked ass, and my corneas had milked over as a result. Indeed, it was only by adhering to a strict regimen of staring at my own firm buttocks in the mirror that I was able to cure myself.
Here's something: I often cut through an old neighborhood on the way home to avoid the plague of Mandarin traffic. It's one of those old '50's/'60's neighborhoods of ratshack ranch homes, where the developer was a redneck with some pastureland, and all the roofs only slope in one direction in 1950's Frank Lloyd Wrong fashion. These are the neighborhoods where the developer names the streets after his kids. You've seen them: Jimmy Street, Karen Street, Jert Street. Only this one named the streets after colors. The first one is Azure Street. Nice. I actually like that. The next street is Cerise Street. Very nice! How cleverly exotic. But then the next two streets are Tan and Beige. That's right. Tan Street. Beige Street. What the bloody fucking hell is that all about?!? How bizarre. Why didn't he just name them HoHum Alley and SlitMyFuckingWrists Way? What an asshole.
Is anyone participating in National Novel Writing Month? Yessiree, Bob. The goal is to write a 175-page novel (50,000 words) between November 1 and November 30. Pure unedited, unadulterated crap. Shit Stream of Consciousness-on-a-shingle. I figured, hey. Vomiting bilious unfiltered tripe upon the screen is, like, my strong suit. I imagine I can do that. If I proceed I'll share some excerpts. Although, unlike Senate candidate James Webb, my protagonist won't be dangling his 4-year-old son upside down in front of him and placing the kid's penis in his mouth. That's what ancillary characters are for, right?
Aloha, bitches.
... I'll be back....
Posted by: Eric at November 1, 2006 10:19 AMerr, welcome back.
Posted by: rankin' rob at November 1, 2006 10:20 AM"Delicate" sensibilities?
Permit me a rousing guffaw.
My sin - and I don't cop to this, mind you - appears to have been that business of Trespassing Upon the Magikal Realm. Schmearing excrement upon the Velociwall, as it were. Or - worse - being even more Velociman than Velociman.
Consider it an homage; mine own attempt to keep the Sacred Flame a-burn, misguided and inexpert though it may have been.
But that Delicate Sensibilities thing? Puh-leeease.
Posted by: Elisson at November 1, 2006 10:43 AMI'm apparently going to have to smack Elisson upside the noggin with my cast irony frying pan.
Posted by: velociman at November 1, 2006 10:55 AMYour description of 60's suburbia brings back some fond memories. Like the one of the developers who clearcut a parcel of prime woodlot to build 3BR-2BA ranches on quarter acre lots and name the streets Elm, Live Oak, and Maple. In my part of the world we name 'em Mesquite, Huisache, and Prickly Pear.
Posted by: Dash at November 1, 2006 12:23 PM... nah, Yabu... I've had them for years...
Posted by: Eric at November 1, 2006 4:18 PMFinally!
Posted by: Jean at November 1, 2006 5:13 PMKeep makin' copies of them keys pappy... I'll make use of one of 'em some time... I know you know better then to make me a set, 'cause it turns you on to see me sleep on your lawn... in the snow.
P.S. Sorry for the ellipsis fit. I hope the stain ain't too bad.
I knew it was gonna rain velociwords today; my hemorrhoids were hurtin' and I left my doughnut cushion on the church pew Sunday.
Posted by: Jack Straw at November 1, 2006 7:55 PMUggh...You had me until the James Webb mention. (Glad there are words on the page, nonetheless.)
Posted by: Key at November 1, 2006 9:09 PMI saw your keys for sale on e-Bay. The highest bid was 39 cents from a guy named Waldo.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 1, 2006 9:38 PMYou're a stinker for not responding back on gtalk!
Glad to see you're back, though.
Posted by: Cythen at November 1, 2006 9:49 PMBeminds me of that old Southron saying, 'Incest is best, it's a sport the whole family can enjoy!'
You folks really are tight, aren't you. And don't think I don't appreciate it.
That's why I brought Astroglide.
Posted by: Bane at November 1, 2006 9:49 PMBout time somebody yanked your chain! We missed you.
My brilliant nephew seems to talk about starting NaNoWriMo every year but I've never seen any finished results. My daughter did sent the necessary acoutrements to the SIL on his last WestPak deployment which included the month of November, thinking, somewhat erroneously, that he might be bored enough over there to write something worthy of submission, but,alas, it didn't happen there either -- I'd dearly love to see what you'd turn out, should you become so inspired. Please DO share!!
P.S. -- Good job flushing him out of his bolthole, Eric!
You give the keys to the wrong people, dammit. Give ME the keys. All pustule blogging, all the time.
Glad you're OK.
Posted by: og at November 2, 2006 7:20 AMDamn! I came here for nuttin', half expecting velocihovas paean to the brown shower.
Posted by: James Hooker-Nipple Whisperer at November 2, 2006 1:24 PMCan't wait for the novel!
Posted by: Lisa W. at November 3, 2006 3:24 AMDamn, bitch slaps his bud's and does the duck and run.
Posted by: james old guy at November 3, 2006 7:06 AMWell my funny little remark from yesterday didn't publish so I'll take it as a sign from God and not repeat it.
On a unrelated note, if you haven't read Gut Rumbles lately, Sam Smith has a new blog featuring her artwork. She also has a great post about a dream she recently had about her dad.
Posted by: Libby at November 3, 2006 11:01 AMWere you gone?
No, seriously. I noticed I didn't need to shower or bleach my eyeballs nearly as often. Nice to have you back.
Posted by: Venomous Kate at November 4, 2006 12:16 AM