September 27, 2006
The Phantom Needle
Some of you (at least the ones with no life whatsoever) may recall my post about stepping on a cactus last year, and how the needles embedded in my foot. You will no doubt also recall how I complained and whinged like the damned little baby girl I am about it. How weeks later I was still whining.
Then the pain went away, and I thought I was okay. Until a few months ago, when it came back. I was sure that last embedded needle was working its inexorable way back out to freedom, anxious to join its brethren in what passes for needle park in my yard, the potting shed.
Well, pain being the bastard offspring of obduracy and pigheadedness, I finally went to the dermatologist yesterday to have the fiend removed. And was I embarrassed. You see, it wasn't an embedded needle at all, but a plantar wart. It seems injuries like the cactus, or stepping on broken glass, traumatize an area, and make it ripe for a plantar wart to develop. So I got it frozed off. Only it's big, and deep. Imagine one of those incense cones inverted, and jammed into your footie. About like that. So it will take three trips to burn and cut the thing out.
But: did I mention what a total hottie the PA was who worked on me? Good God. About 27, a cross between an angel and a stripper. Great sense of humor, too. We traded witty bantacisms bantered witticisms about while she carved and frozed. Tickled my foot several times, too, the minx. And let's face it: what's more sexy than a wizened, middle-aged veteran of the drug wars, especially when he has his fetid dog in your nose, and you're having to carve some grotesquery out of it? It was like a dream date.
I've already made several more appointments. I'm finding all sorts of little oddities on my body that need looking at. Although I'm figuring next time I'll get the substitute PA for some strange reason. You know: Frau Sadismacher. Looks like Shirley Stoler and smells like dick cheese. But maybe not. That hottie probably got into this line of work for the interesting foot necrotics. Just like some people aspire to be rectum doctors.
Will I keep you in the loop? Of course.
thank you. i thought i had a big woes til i read your dream date. shweet that it was so good for you. enjoy your hot sautered flesh hunt!
Posted by: shoe at September 27, 2006 7:40 PMWent to the emerg once and had a local hymie MD (one of the very best) carve out a plantar wart from my very heel, and as I'm laying there being frozen and carved he looks at my dad's wrist, there being a rather large ganglial cyst, and hacks that bastard off of dad gratis. No caine, of course, so the old man winced and twitched a bit, but blood brothers be we, dad and I, having been lancetted by the same jewish wielded scalpel at oncet.
Posted by: og at September 27, 2006 8:11 PM"Rectum doctors? Damn near killed 'um doctors!"
As for Dick Cheese, the question on everyone's lips is, of course, "how do dat V-man know what dat stuff smell like, anyways?"
Posted by: Elisson at September 27, 2006 8:12 PM***I HAD PLANTARS WART REMOVED THIS WAY--NO PAIN--FOOT DOCTOR GAVE ME PRESCRIPTION...I APPLIED JUST ON THE WART..IT TURNED BLACK.NO PAIN AT ALL--.KEPT APPLYING EACH DAY..AS SKIN GREW IT CAME OFF BIT BY BIT LIKE A CALLUS...I EVEN USED IT ON MY DOG--SHE HAD LITTLE WARTS ON HER MUZZLE--IT WORKED!!!! I TOLD MY LOCAL VET--HE USED IT AND REALLY THANKED ME!----About Glutaraldehyde
Glutaraldehyde is used to remove warts and verrucas on the hands and feet. Warts and veruccas are caused by the human papilloma virus. Glutaraldehyde works by inactivating the virus and stops it spreading by drying the wart and the surrounding skin.
Glutaraldehyde is available in solution form.
It is sometimes known as Glutarol. You may notice either name on the packaging of your medicine.
Before using Glutaraldehyde
Before using Glutaraldehyde make sure your doctor or pharmacist knows:
* if you have ever had an allergic reaction to this or any other medicine
* if you are using any other preparations, including those available to buy without a prescription, herbal or complementary medicines
How to use Glutaraldehyde
* Use Glutaraldehyde exactly as directed by your doctor. Only apply to warts and veruccas, do not apply to any moles, birthmarks or spots.
* Always read the manufacturer's information leaflet, if possible, before beginning treatment.
* Apply this preparation to the warts or verrucas twice a day, as directed.
* Glutaraldehyde is for you. Never give it to others, even if their condition appears to be the same as yours.
Getting the most from your treatment
* Avoid broken skin when applying Glutaraldehyde.
* Only apply Glutaraldehyde to the warts or verrucas and try to avoid the surrounding skin. You can protect the healthy skin by applying white soft paraffin around the wart or verruca before applying the Glutaraldehyde. Rub the wart gently with a file or pumice stone before application to remove any hard skin. You may need to use this preparation for up to three months for complete removal.
* Do not allow Glutaraldehyde to come into contact with the face, eyes, or mucous membranes (eg. mouth, vagina, inside of nose etc.).
* Glutaraldehyde can stain the skin brown. This should disappear soon after your treatment has finished.
* Before using any 'over-the-counter' medicines, check with your pharmacist which medicines are safe for you to use alongside Glutaraldehyde.
Can Glutaraldehyde cause problems?
Glutaraldehyde occasionally causes skin irritation such as rashes, redness, itching, or a burning sensation.
This should soon disappear. If it doesn't or if it becomes severe, stop using Glutaraldehyde and ask your doctor or pharmacist for advice.
If you experience any other worrying symptoms, which you think may be due to this preparation, consult your doctor or pharmacist.
How to store Glutaraldehyde
* Keep out of reach of children.
* Store in a cool, dry place, away from direct light and heat.
* Never keep out of date or unwanted medicines. Discard them safely out of the reach of children or take them to your local pharmacist who will dispose of unwanted medicines for you.
© EMIS and Cegedim Pharmacy Services Ltd 2005 Updated: 19/07/2005
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hey- Vman, you got commercials in your comments now? Fuck, I'm looking for Brad Pitt in the wings...
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