August 26, 2006
Cornholing
Apparently my readers have mistaken me for some sort of pervert, or at the very least a purveyor of perverted information. Witness this request from James Hooker, who calls himself, by the way, the Nipple Whisperer. As if I'M the damned prevert here:
Do you take requests? I have one for you. An essay on the word "cornhole". Just askin'.
Well, now. I don't set myself up as any kind of expert on the issue of cornholing, of course, but I've been privy to the inelegance of the thing, as they say.
First of all, definitions are in order. My understanding of cornholing is man on man ass sex. Bones up the butt. Not to be confused with hedgehogging, which is the penetration of the fair sex's rectum. A totally different enterprise. I believe the outcome, like the in-go, is much the same, but the social repercussions are vastly different. And so, as I read James's request, he is singularly interested in mano a mano buttfucking. Why? No idea. But I get so few direct requests, I thought I'd hep the fellow out.
Ground rules: I've never had anal sex with another man, so anything I say is suppository supposition, and ejaculation conjectulation. Locker room stories, barroom scaries.
My understanding is gay men like to poke each other in the keister, neither possessing a pussy, and mouths being boring after a while. I saw Ned Beatty get ass-raped in Deliverance, and that was a powerful experience, if by powerful I mean no fucking way! But my gay friends aver they enjoy having their starfish reamed by other men. Some of them say any man. There appears to be a subset of gays who prefer the cornholio (as differentiated from the cornholiee) to be anonymous, in fact. Shudder. But that's cool, I guess. It's not like there are any potentially fatal diseases roaming around out there between ass cheeks, right? All's fair in love and whore.
Brief aside: Girth Vader would split anyone's asshole, man, woman, beast, apart. Lest anyone take my friendly take on the subject as an invitation to solicit me, I am off-limits. Unless you want to wear Depends the rest of your life, and belch your farts, lest you shit yourself. I hate having to post that disclaimer, but, well, there it is.
I believe cornholing is the "missionary" position within the gay community. Far more painful, sure, and yielding far fewer babies. And forget the rhythm method. Don't obtain, as they say.
I almost forgot: Astroglide is the emollient/lubricant of choice for cornholage. Waterproof, discreetly hidden in the back pocket.
Come (heh) to think of it, I know a hell of a lot more about man on man ass fucking than I would like to. But I guess that is a byproduct of the information age. Can't be holped.
I hope this helped, James. And I hope your questioning soul finds the answers it craves. Although, ah, you don't appear to be no spring chicken, and I would hate for you to embark upon a journey you regret, but find yourself too enfeebled to escape from. They lock guys like you up in cages, you know. Call you roosters. Have their way at their leisure. But perhaps, indeed, that is what you seek, after all.
God Bless, and Good Luck, sir.
Okay not a post to read when you've been drinking, but alas, it is what it is...
I've always wondered about the screwee, does he at least get a wrap around hand job? or do they switch? or is one always the screwer and one always the screwee?
I think I need to rent some gay porn.
I'm told no reach arounds, Lisa. That would imply caring, heaven forfend.
Posted by: velociman at August 26, 2006 8:58 PMI'm also led to understand - thanks to Dan Savage's column in The Onion - that the vile admixture of sexual lubricant and excrement that results from the typical Cornholical Evening is known as "santorum."
Elder Daughter has a particularly horrible story involving said substance...one of the adventures attendant upon employment in the Hotel Industry, where there are seven million stories in the Naked City, of which 1 1/2 are suitable for Dinner Table Conversation.
Suffice it to say that there are some times a hotel will wash the sheets after a guest's visit...and some times that they will burn the sheets.
Posted by: Elisson at August 26, 2006 11:38 PMYou, sir, seem to know your ass (or perhaps someone else's) from the age old hole in the ground. Congradulations. Feel free to take a Dirty Sanchez from petty cash.
Posted by: bitterman at August 27, 2006 12:24 AMMy Dearest Darling Vman
Glad you cleared that up. I always thought cornhole was a funny word, however,I NEVER knew how funny until this morning when I clicked my blogroll and came (as in "traveled") over to this oasis of enlightenment. Rest assured, you talked me out of gettin' cornholed. I was becoming (as in "approaching") bored. Bless you, sir.
Your next assignment? FELCH.
Posted by: James Hooker-Nipple Whisperer at August 27, 2006 6:07 AMBreak Motherfucking Left...
Good advice...if I don't say so myself.
Brahahahahahahah!!!!!
Posted by: Yabu at August 27, 2006 12:48 PMMy ass is hurting just thinking about that subject. I would rather go catch a stray dog and kiss him square in the ass than to go to the doctor and get the old finger wave. Thinking about a dick up the ass is very scary. If anyone ever trys that with me, they will be shot, Cat
Posted by: Catfish at August 27, 2006 12:48 PMLisa:
The screwee sees himself as a her, thus always the screwee.
They do come though.
Hey Vman, you have, as I have said previously, a way with words.
Write the book, I will buy twenty copies to send to people I don't like, or hoard it to save the world.
Either way you have twenty sales.
Cat:
I posted about teeth lying on the floor after a kiss, anything further and shooting is in order
I had no idea there was distinct nomenclature depending on the sex of the bottom.
In any event, the unnatural girth thing makes either kind of, well, a stretch for some of us. When I saw what the post was about, I wondered if you'd bring that up.
Posted by: Jay at August 27, 2006 2:10 PMLisa:
The screwee sees himself as a her, thus always the screwee.
They do come though.
Hey Vman, you have, as I have said previously, a way with words.
Write the book, I will buy twenty copies to send to people I don't like, or hoard it to save the world.
Either way you have twenty sales.
Cat:
I posted about teeth lying on the floor after a kiss, anything further and shooting is in order
.. it is always an education to visit here.... good God...
Posted by: Eric at August 27, 2006 2:57 PMYes Eric, even me, and I considered myself educated, at a stretch (Hat Tip to Jay), even well educated.
Vman: Sorry for the double.
James, you asshole, how could you ask such a question?
BWDG - Blogging While Drinking Guinness, of course.
Posted by: James Hooker-Nipple Whisperer at August 27, 2006 7:23 PM"Cornhole". That's a verb, right? So the guy in back has a word to describe what's he's doing.
What about the guy in front? Is there a word to describe what he is doing, other than "brutish", which is an adjective?
Quiz Time: What Movie is this From?
"Keep him away from me. He'll cornhole anything that's half-sloshed!"
That, of course, would be "Scenes From the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills". Wallace Shawn. Speaking of Ray Sharkey.
Posted by: velociman at August 27, 2006 10:03 PMI love all the men who are shaking in their boots at the thought of being 'cornholed' -- while most men will eventually try to talk a women into allowing them to "just try it once" -- anal sex, of course.
No, I don't need to hear how many of you 'would never do that!' Bull, she says!
Posted by: vicki at August 28, 2006 11:12 AMVicky, it is like a new powerstation.
Not in my backyard
Hooker has been hanging out and playing the piano too gotdam long in those gay biker bars.
Posted by: GUYK at August 28, 2006 12:31 PMSo that's what cornhole means? I've been doing it wrong. I don't think your definition would make for much fun at family reunions. Depends on the family, I suppose.
Posted by: Chris at August 28, 2006 4:59 PMYou know, of course, that there is a second definition? Dude! Let's party!
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at August 28, 2006 5:12 PMGeez, I always thought it had something to do with the harvest moon.
Posted by: Libby at August 28, 2006 7:28 PM