Velociworld

The Most Expensive Pizza in the World

I know you tire of my fell tales, and would rather see beefcake pics of me, but alas a fire at Warner Brothers destroyed them all. I'm willing to pose for more however, given a requisite level of discretion, of course. That's why it says E-Mail Velociman.

Anyway, here's one more tale that is a true as an arrow in flight. When the Bride and I were still freshly married we moved back to Savannah from Atlanta, snot-nosed little whelps still. Moved between rental properties of my parents and others in an attempt to outrun the fleas my Lab couldn't shed, and the rent Nazis (sorry Mom!). At one point we bounced between 3 places in four months. Not a problem, except I was quite casual, blasé even, about such things as Change of Address forms. Who cares? Gummint shit. But. And that's always the operative word. BUT! One night, and I think we had just moved into the pump house on the river property (it was called a cottage, and it was, but by God it was really a pump house) the Bride got served papers on a check gone bad, that we hadn't realized, for a fucking pizza. $15. But it bounced, we not having one of those fancy credit card overdraft protection accounts, since I don't think they existed, and she was looking at the check, overdraft fees, court costs, penalties, something in the neighborhood of $350 for a $15 pizza we were $1 short on covering. Plus attorney's fees. There was a court date, after all.

That sucked. As I opten supped with the parents of a night, enjoying their company, and also glomming on their property and being habitually broke, I brought up the subject, because the Bride was, after all, terrified. You must realize this was during my Caged Heat and Women Behind Bars rental period (how I miss it!) and she didn't want to end up Yvette Mimieux, married to a broom handle.

So I took a chance, and broached the issue at dinner, and the Senator jumped right on it. "I got that covered!" he averred. "Leave it to me." Now, he hadn't stepped foot in a courtroom in 4 years, but it seemed like a gameplan, we being broke and all. Although we became wary when every time time he saw the Bride over the next few days he would ask "What kinda bird don't fly, girl? A jailbird! Ha ha ha!" Yes. Unnerving.

At any rate, court date came, and the Bride was sweating bandoliers of perspiration, terrified, but she felt a little better as the Senator walked through the courthouse, and everyone from bootshines to judges hailed him. I think it was good for him, being back in his milieu. She said he was like a Caesar returned finally from fierce battle in Germania with trophy heads. Okay, maybe she didn't say that, but she said he definitely strutted like a King Bastard through those halls. At any rate, they sat in court, and he patted her knee, and when they called her case he admonished her to sit still, and he approached the bench. I wasn't there, but she claims he and the judge argued under low breath for a moment, then they guffawed, and the Senator turned around and hooked an inelegant, crooked, scary finger at her. Beckoned her to the bench. When her shaky legs managed to get her there, the judge whispered she had to pay the $15, and a $15 bounced check fee, both of which the Senator had already covered. All fees, penalties, court costs, etc, the whole shebang, dropped. Most importantly, no criminal charges. The Senator then took her to lunch, and managed to lose his own napkin. She had to drive, show him the way home, he losing his mind at that point to Alzheimers.

Life is strange like that.