May 21, 2006
A MOONPIE INTERREGNUM
This was bound to happen. I will aver, posit, state, declaim, proclaim, screech, ululate, bellow, harrumph, that I will remain a solid Son of the South even as I
(insert verb) my hatred of the foul moonpie.
The moonpie, and the R oh C Cocola, of course, were staples of southern cuisine. Well, actually, of poor white trash Depression-era cuisine. Even though Coke was ubiquitous, pervasive, the hemoglobin of our gutted Southern psyche, one was allowed to drink the godforsaken RC Cola if one had a moonpie in hand. It was like a Get Out Of Jail Free Card from God. And Fanta soda comes to mind, but that is another post entirely. I must remain focused.
So I'm here to say I hate the fucking moonpie. Sue me. Farking nasty marshmallow of extremely questionable origin, graham cracker that seems to be the toe cheese of a fungus infected troll, chocolate that ain't chocolate. We loved it, of course, because it bespoke a certain in your face thing. In retrospect it was nasty. Still is. My kids love them of course. And I shan't destroy that.
An aside: when my mother was an 11 or 12 year old girl in the hellish parched boiled dominion that was south Georgia during the Depression two little black kids, 13 and 14 I think killed an old white man because he had tired of playing his fiddle on his front porch. Seems the lads had taken a liking to the fiddle playing, and when the old man got tired and decided to go to bed, they remonstrated, and, well, a beatdown occurred. I personally think the story is bullshit, but what ever happened the death penalties certainly weren't bullshit.
I'm told that niceties such as appeals, and due process, being in short supply in south Georgia during the Depression, Justice was Swift, and Terrible.
Mom said they paraded those boys around town before their execution on the tailgate of a pickup truck, and the poor kids were laughing. "They goan pop our necks!" they laughed, and surely they were. And so, to wind this issue down, their Last Meal was a Moonpie, and an RC Cola.
Necks were popped, Fucking Ada. And RC Cola was swilled, and Moonpies had probably worked their way about a third of the way through those boys' colons before the fucking whip came down.
My mom always told that story not out of a sense of rage at social injustice, which I am sure it was, but out of a sense of wonderment. Bemusement, Bewilderment. SHE knew their necks were about to get popped. THEY knew. Why would you want a fucking moonpie at that particular point in your life? I don't think we ever came up with the answer.
Oh. And yes. I hate moonpies.
You hate moonpies? A true son of the south who hates moonpies? GOTDAM! I bet you don't eat possum either...
Posted by: GUYK at May 21, 2006 9:13 PMLittle Debbie Nutty Bars and a diet coke. Who's your Daddy?
Posted by: rankin' rob at May 21, 2006 9:36 PMI think the story is proven false by their very choice of food.
I'm from Wisconsin. I admit it. But, I married a suthren boy (well, from Texas, via Louisiana, etc.)and we have had CASES of fucking Moonpies in our pantry when the kids were little.
They make good spackle and eye patches. Or pillow stuffers.
They're obscene and no one with any taste buds of any integrity would eat them seriously.
Hey. Do you eat lutefisk? I rest my case.
Fuck a moonpie. Gimme a ring ding anytime. Or a goo-goo cluster. Up nawth, most peopole don't believe in such a thing as a goo-goo. Or a Cherry Mash. And while I'm a diehard Coke fan, these days it's a diet coke. Grew up with RC because it was free with pizza, and if you counted your caps, you could most often get a caseload of pop under a buck. Fuck a moonpie. Hell, fucking it might be the only thing it's good for.
Posted by: og at May 21, 2006 10:14 PMYet another reason to hate a moon pie? Because, in the days of my youth, every roadside store had a toothless and wizened crone minding the till, and she'd invariably pronounce it, "mewn pah".
AiiYi! Like nails down a chalkboard. Like "dewclaws". On the other hand, I'm with Rankin Rob. A Nutty Bar and a DC always go down smooth.
Posted by: Kelley at May 21, 2006 10:23 PMI hate moonpies. Always have. In high school band one summer, we were cleaning out the tubas. Dumped one over and a moonpie came out. Probably why we were called The Showband of the South. Moonpies are nasty.
Posted by: Bou at May 21, 2006 10:48 PMI think I may have spotted a dangling participle!:
"they paraded those boys around town before their execution on the tailgate of a pickup truck"
Shouldn't that read:
"they paraded those boys around town on the tailgate of a pickup truck before their execution"
Or were they executed on the tailgate of a pickup truck? Hmmm....
But because you are the Velocidude, I suppose you are allowed to have your participles dangling.
*wink!*
Posted by: DogsDontPurr at May 21, 2006 11:48 PMI'm all about the Goo Goo!!!
Posted by: Yabu at May 22, 2006 12:25 AMWhat did ya expect those poor idiots to ask for, a fucking Filet Mignon? And if they had, would they have got one?
Growing up in the Northeast, we had only Faux Moon-Pies: the Burry Scooter Pie, which was a confection even more vile and dastardly than an actual Moon-Pie, owing to its being a Yanqui Knock-Off. Feh.
Posted by: Elisson at May 22, 2006 6:35 AMThe moonpie was invented by a southern democrat from somewhere around Plains Ga. A whole family was raised on them and RC's, one even became president.
Posted by: james old guy at May 22, 2006 7:39 AMI hate moonpies, too. But man, an ice cold RohC cocola is some good stuff, right there! Right out of the cooler. Whoa buddy hold on for that sugar rush. More sugar than Pepsi, even.
Posted by: Kelly at May 22, 2006 8:26 AMHmmmm...I'll have to go and Google this "moonpie" thing...
Posted by: Lisa at May 22, 2006 9:09 AMMoon pie. Never understood how something with such a cool name could be such a disappointing treat. Me, I was a Hostess Cupcake girl. Chocolate only. Loved peeling off the rubber frosting with the white squiggle in it and who could wait for the creamy surprise in the middle?
Posted by: Libby at May 22, 2006 11:04 AMYa gots to eat them yaller moonpies that kindasorta taste like 'nanners. Them chocklit ones just ain't right.
Oh, and "cluster" just ain't a fitting term for a candy treat. I'd heard the term 'Mongolian Clusterfuck' many years before I saw my first GooGoo Cluster, and I just can't get the image of nekkid sweaty Mongolians out of my head long enough to eat one of the GooGoo thingamabobs.
Posted by: El Capitan at May 22, 2006 4:09 PMI like Moon Pies, but only the chocolate ones. Gimme a Goo Goo Cluster anytime.
I must say, I was a hero during the cruise in '91 when I got my folks to send about a case of Moon Pies to me on the ship. All the Yankee sailors in the shop were asking "What the hell's a Moon Pie?" All the Southern boys (me included) were salivating.
Mmmmmmm...creamy surprise...
Posted by: Elisson at May 22, 2006 5:50 PMI grew up amidst many a moonpie and RC, yet refused to partake. Not once even. Stubborn I was. The marshmallow was made for the Krispie Treat. And if it wasn't Coke, it had to be Budwine.
Posted by: Key at May 24, 2006 6:32 PMNever had one. Then again, I was 19 before I had a twinkie.
I never ate weird shit as a kid. I don't intend to start now...
Posted by: Dana at May 26, 2006 8:50 AMWell, I'll put another vote in favor of the chawwklit moonpie. The yaller ones have some kind of natural taste that clashed with the decidedly UN-natural taste of the rest of it. (The wax, cardboard, and sugar, I mean.)
I'll add that nuthin' beats a cold Royal Crown Cola ("The King of Colas"). 12 bottle caps and a kid could get into the Saturday matinee movie for a quarter, too, but I'm showing my age here...
I remember sometime ago reading about a man who had been sentenced to death. When he was escorted to the exectution chamber (I don't remember the method, though I'm sure it was either the chair or injection), they asked what his last words were. He said, "I did not get my Spaghetti-O's for my last meal. I asked for Spaghetti-O's and they gave me spaghetti. I want the world to know that."
I read about some other guy who just wanted a bowl of Lucky Charms. So a moonpie and RC isn't all that surprising.
Posted by: Samira at May 27, 2006 2:42 PMLived here in Ga all my life, and I'm not sure I could tell you what a moonpie tastes like, although I am fairly certain I ate one. Clusters are good!
Posted by: Nancy at May 31, 2006 2:04 PMmoonpies are ossom. and come from china.
STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
Posted by: bibianna at March 12, 2007 5:11 PM