May 8, 2006
THE GREAT RYOBI GAMBIT
I had to replace my weedtrimmer yesterday, having rebuilt the old Ryobi twice, and figuring after a decent 9 nine year run it was time to foist it on the garbage men, and get something a little more razical.
I'm not particularly enamored of Ryobis. They're okay, I guess. Pretty reliable. But I did have an investment in blower and hedge trimmer attachments to consider, so I figured I'd seek same. Now, I knew Lowe's had dropped Ryobi a year of so ago for John Deere products, so I went to Lowe's to see what they sold. I wasn't that blowed up about the attachments, after all. Give me a trimmer with a built in DVD player and some porn video, I'm prolly all over it. Well, well. It seems Nothing Runs That's a Deere, at least as far as Lowe's is concerned. They'd dumped the Deere line in favor of Troy-Bilt. Seem like good products, but I'm always leery of a company that insists on running 10 minute infomercials instead of 30 second commercials, and interminably delaying my riveting History Channel biopic on the Scourge of Venereal Disease in Medieval Europe.
But I eyeballed the Troy-Bilts, then went to Home Depot, a considerum farther trek, but I was doing my due diligence. And Lo! and Behold! Home Depot carried the full line of Ryobi. Again, I'm not enamored of the shit, but I really don't need professional grade, and there were the attachments the Scrooge in me hated to cast adrift. But really, a weed whacker is a weed whacker, and an especially handy thing to have, in the event I run into an Hispanic or Greek girl who strikes my fancy, and I would covet a closer look at their pudendum.
So I bought the Next Generation Ryobi, brought it home, and began the task of edging my pool. After 5 minutes the string popped off the eyelets, however, and I was forced to restring. Here it gets interesting. One of the few benefits of the rather blase Ryobi was the ability to stick the tips of the string in the proper orifices, and screw the string home, it winding the string itself. A pretty automatic function, and one that I liked.
The new and improved version was all manual, however, and I spent 45 minutes struggling to get the string wound around the thingamajig, only to have the lock down screw, which was free floating inside its housing, refuse to grab. Again. And again. And again.
Now, I confess my doctor has shined me, and I've been 7 days without my meds, and so I was a fractious little bitch at this point. Which is a nice way of saying I eventually flung the fucking sodomite device against my fence, then drained the precious oils from it, and returned it to Home Depot today.
"I want to return this for a refund."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's a fucking piece of garbage, ma'am. Can't string 'er."
"You're off your meds, aren't you, sir?"
"Fucking Ada, honey. My circulatory system is coursing with iodine, and rage. If I had a crawl space at my house I would be digging shallow graves to implant buggered Ryobi engineers."
"Let me process that for you, sir."
"Thank you."
I was a little too shaken to actually go get the Troy-Bilt at this point, because I might see what Craftsman and Echo and Husquevarna have on the market. Actually, at this point, I'm considering hiring some wetbacks to take care of my yard. I take no pleasure in it anymore, and with any luck they'll have younger sisters who need their pudendums ah, trimmed.
But Fuck a Ryobi. Up-engineering resulted in a spastic product that caused me to level blasphemies the entire neighborhood could hear, and make my children ask Mommy if Daddy was in the Dark Place again. It's Pearl Harbor all over again with these fucking Nip products, I tell you. And I don't have a crawl space, but I have a lake, and weights. So if you work in the design department of Ryobi, come on over. Let's talk shop.
I bought a Ryobi in 1997, along with a whole shit-load of attachments. Used it for a couple weeks, and couldn't get it re-strung. My oldest brother came over and restrung it, but it only lasted one week, and then I couldn't get it re-strung. It still hangs in my garage, unstrung, and I still do all my whacking and trimming and raking by hand.
Fuck a Ryobi.
Mmmmm velocivitriol. That'll teach your ass to buy American, won't it? I've never even heard of Ryobi out where I am.
Posted by: Cythen at May 8, 2006 11:08 PMI got the self-stringing ryobi. it rocks. On ice. but if I had to buy another trimmer, it would DEFINITELY be a honda four-stroke. Last trimmer you ever buy. Like a Scag Stand up mower, the kind you ride,(Mexican Jet Ski) this is shit you buy once only.
Posted by: og at May 8, 2006 11:10 PMLessee...you bought a discount motor operated piece of hardware at a low dollar, high volume Big Box that has bankrupted thousands of small hardware stores where you used to get real advice and now you're pissed. Is that what I'm reading here?
Ryobi, Honda, Husquevarna and Echo are all good brands provided you go to a place that sells the real equipment to the wetbacks that now mow most of America. That shit lasts forever and isn't all that expensive. With what Jose' and Roberto get paid they aren't going to spend much more than you did but need something that will cut ten or fifeteen yards a day. For years.
That's what you get for being cheap. Go to a real yard equipment store and get someone...they are usually called a salesperson...to show you some **String Trimmers** and demo them for you. You'll probably pay $50.00 to $75.00 more than at Lowes or HD but think of the great rant you'll get from dealing with them.
QM
Posted by: Quilly Mammoth at May 9, 2006 12:47 AMNext time, buy a,,,nevermind. You ain't fucking WRIGHT!!!
We need to do some more CAP... man, and fall fucking down in front of people who don't matter.
Hahahahahaha!!!!
Posted by: Yabu at May 9, 2006 1:06 AMYou can bring messicans over, work them like dogs, then kill them and feed them to yours.
My Ryobi cordless drill sucks like gramma, all toothless, and with no proper seal, and smells bad when she heats up.
And only good for one or two screws, before she tuckers out.
Posted by: Bane at May 9, 2006 2:47 AMI use a guy named Vinnie to trim my weeds. No assembly required.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at May 9, 2006 3:05 AMMmmmm. Pudenda.
Posted by: Elisson at May 9, 2006 6:22 AMHey, Vman: Hook me up with your old ryobi attachments. Mail me with your asking price.
Posted by: og at May 9, 2006 7:32 AMDude, Ryobi ain't Nip, it's Chinese! Freakin' Mao Tse slave-labor commiecrap Dung is what'cha were buying.
Check the labels on those products. Husqvarna, though a Swede label, sold their motorcycle concern to the Italians about a decade ago. I don't know of their lawn gear is Nordic or not.
For the real good stuff, take Quilly Mammoth's advice. You wouldn't buy a git-tar at Wal-Mart, so don't buy a yard tool at China Outlet Store, Inc.
You wouldn't buy Tennessee Whiskey made in Singapore, either.
Or, would you?
Go to the ProShop. You won't regret it.
Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX
For what it's worth, Troy-Bilt ain't Troy-Bilt any more. It's green MTD under the Troy-Bilt Red paint, not that that is all bad.
Posted by: Arcs at May 9, 2006 9:47 AMAs a regular whacker of acres of weeds, I recommend the Echo line to you, especially the one that takes the head attachment that you just stick little pieces of sawed-off line into grippy holes. No more winding or futzing with spools. Pure genius.
Posted by: Scott Chaffin at May 9, 2006 11:36 AM... dude, just hire the shit done and drink vodka while you watch them work.... it is the only civilized way these days...
Posted by: Eric at May 9, 2006 1:09 PMI just have one word for you. Glyphosate!
Posted by: Dash at May 9, 2006 2:17 PMDitto the Echo recommendation. Straight-shaft trimmers only. The curved ones won't last 3 months. If you get all squirrely and wanna spend more money, get the fixture that uses the trio of plastic blades instead of the monofilament. They don't last much longer than the regular string, but they're pure hell on garter snakes and field mice.
Posted by: El Capitan at May 9, 2006 7:21 PMRyobi is now owned by Homelite... stamped right there on the shaft. Homelite... SC. That makes it owned by Techtronic Industries Co. Ltd... which is listed only on the Hong Kong exchange. Other than a couple parts here and there, I'm not sure the US manufactures any power tools. Even McCullough is Chinese.
I did the same trip with the string. I hung it on the wall for 3 years, took it down, and it worked. I guess you just gotta marinade these things. Trouble is, in an hour, you are shopping for a new one.
Posted by: Michael at April 14, 2008 9:29 PM