May 5, 2006
BABY ON BOARD!
Good Christ. I remember in the mid 80's when those Yield Sign window adornments became popular. Baby On Board, indeed. May I ask a simple question? What the fuck does that mean!?!?!
Idea the first: I have a child in my minivan breeder box, and I don't want you to ram me. Because, fucking Ada, I was looking for someone to ram with my Chevy Caprice! But once I saw you had a Baby On Board! sign I backed off. I'll find another victim. Maybe the octegenarians with the oxygen tanks. Don't want to play demolition derby if a Baby is on Board!
Idea the second: I am being an accommodating American, and I thought I would let you, the carjacker/kidnapper, know that I have a tiny baby, ripe for plucking, in my vehicle. Also, if ye be a child rapist, here's my billboard. Baby on Board! And I'm in the Dollar Store, smelling incense! My yellow placard says I have a victim for you, though. Put it in my window! See?
Idea the last: The sign stands as an advertisement. The callow boulevardier sees the sign, and axes himself: did that parent really leave a child in the back of that sweltering Durango, there to cop the dirt nap because the temperature reached a healthy 115 degrees Fahrenheit? Man, says he, I have to peer in the window! Is there a suffocated baby in there? Forgotten, neglected, by a crack mama? My favorite concept.
Baby on Board. Fuck You! And your sign. Because, all of the previous being known, you gave birth to fucking Garfield window grabbers, and the fake legs and animal tails hanging out of trunk lids. Should have told the Soviets you were Romanovs passing as Crackers, goddamit.
Gulag. Or Death.
Only one of those signs that ever made any sense was the "I brake for no apparent reason". Most often true.
Posted by: og at May 5, 2006 11:14 PMJust think of the poor bastard who thunk 'em up - sitting there on his own carib place looking over his shoulder and yelling a hale and hearty "FUCK YOU" to ussens who didn't have the brain fart he did.
Posted by: James Hooker - Smartass at May 6, 2006 12:59 AMI always wondered about the "I brake for bikers" one...it always seemed to be men with those bumper stickers and most of the bikers I see are men, so I'm wondering if they're being respectful of bikers or trying to find dates a la "Village People"...
Posted by: Lisa at May 6, 2006 9:53 AMA friend of mine hung a piece of plywood in his rear window. It had a baby doll nailed to it with a sign that said "Baby on Board." He got some interesting looks.
Posted by: Dash at May 6, 2006 2:39 PMFollowing the lead of your "Idea the last", I'm thinking of getting one that reads, "Irish Lover on Board. Whiskey and Songs a Specialty".
Posted by: Jim - PRS at May 6, 2006 8:19 PMNearly everyone missed the point of those "baby-on-board" signs. They were not so much a request to be careful out of fear of damage to someone's offspring. The cryptically oblique warning was this: CAUTION! Protect yourself and your vehicle from possible damage and/or injury due to further acts of irresponsibility by the demonstratably thoughtless!
Do you doubt me? Did you ever observe the alleged "drivers" of these baby-on-board bolides as they frantically attempted to mop up spilt milk from crushed-velvet seats, groped blindly for flung rattles in the passenger footwell, cooed mindlessly at their no doubt equally mindless progeny, all while testing for tactile confirmation of olfactory suspicions of loaded diapers, or are otherwise distracted by their screeching infants?
No, the yellow caution placcard was as plain to the aware as the Leper's wooden clapper of old, and I would advise you to give vehicles so marked as wide a berth as if they were pink Rambler station wagons driven by bespectacled old men wearing hats!
Posted by: Richthofen at May 7, 2006 9:16 AMRichthofen ??
A brown Rambler 'Sportabout' automatic, 3 speed, wagon.
A straight 6.
4.11 liters.
Raised my kids in that.
Burning tires, big seats.
Two burst to 180 and they stop crying or stop whatever.
Even the dog in the back stopped whatever.
FUCK "bespectacled old men wearing hats!"
OK that was in 1980, sorry.
The yellow placard is simply a hat-tip to Cthulhu and his Roving Band o' Shoggoths, letting them know where the tastiest morsels of young Man-Flesh are.
For the Old Ones are hungry...and they must feed.
Posted by: Elisson at May 7, 2006 7:48 PMMy sentiments exactly. In fact I'm about to embark upon my own yellow warning sign crusade.
Mine shall read:
Caution! Young, caucasian male 17-25 on Board!
They're still doing in the rounds in the UK. The worst I saw was the other day:
Princess on Board! next to Best dad in the world on board!
I almost vomited.
Posted by: Gav at September 13, 2006 7:05 AM