March 2, 2006
I'M (NOT) STARCHED
Here's a pedestrian post for you. One of those boring-assed, quotidian posts about a slice-of-life event you could give a popcorned fart about.
But it starched my ass, so let me see if I can at least make it mildly entertaining. So there is your Fair Warning. If you don't want to read it, fine. I'm sure there's a damn kitty pic up somewhere you can flog the bishop to.
So I fired my dry cleaners about three years ago. Nice place, had the very sweet covered drive thru, which as a lazy bastard repulsed by rain I am attracted to. Run by Greeks. But they kept screwing up my orders. Usually concerning the amount of starch in my shirts. Greco shits. I hate starch. I think I'm allergic to it. Back in the day when we had to wear suits to work I'd get a nasty breakout ring around my neck. So: to be upfront: starch sucks.
But it is a necessary evil, if one wants to look at least semi-crisp by midafternoon, especially in the sweltering south.
But these screwheads never put any starch in my shirts. I'd put on a fresh shirt, and it looked like I'd slept in it. So I fired their miserable asses, and switched to a dry cleaners up the street, who also had a drive thru, but not covered. I could cope. But they went out of business a couple of weeks ago. And so I, with great trepidation and reluctance, returned to Brand X.
First drop off order: medium starch. Got home that evening, no starch. No fucking starch!
Second drop off today: heavy starch. When he hung them in the back seat this evening I pulled a cuff out. No fucking starch!
I decided it was time for some gentle moral suasion. "Hey, man. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I ask for starch two times in a row, I get nothing. It's why I fired you before. What's your problem?"
"Oh. I'm sorry. What kind of starch you want?"
"The kind you put in my fucking clothes!" Now, see, I realize I have a bit of latitude with the salty language. I throw curse and invective in with the understanding it is some of the little English they understand, because they have the look of corrupted, inveterate porn addicts. It's also a male bonding thing. Plus these guys have the wary, skittish look of hardened old Hellenes who had burst their eardrums four or five times sponge diving in Tarpon Springs.
"I fucking sorry!" he said. "You come back next time, all shirts free! Must be in the computer wrong!"
"That is why you fuck it up, Pericles. You think you can keep a simple order in your head long enough to punch it into the computer. If you wrote it down on the fucking piece of paper in your hand, you probably bat .800."
"Bat .800?" He looked bemused.
"Never mind, Plato. It's a cricket term. Next time free. Write it down, so you can put it in the computer without screwing the pooch."
He appeared to dutifully comply, and I'm going to fire him again after next time anyway, but I'll give the freebie a go. Everyone at work already thinks I sleep in my car at this rate anyway.
Now, dry cleaning ain't rocket science. Or maybe it is. Maybe Oppenheimer and Teller became nuclear physicists because they flunked out of dry cleaning school. But somehow I doubt that.
Anyhow, two weeks of wilted shirts, then a huge gamble on a freebie. Fucking Greeks. They screw up everything. Can't even wrestle without trying to bone each other in the ass.
Was this trenchant? Did you enjoy? Do I have way too much on my plate to worry about little shit like this? I can answer the last one. Oh, yeah. But sometimes, these little moments are the most satisfying in a long, sordid day.
Drive thru dry cleaners? Quite foreign, that. However, I am not surprised, having seen drive thru liquor stores in Florida (in the Keys). A drive thru liquor store, for Chrssake! Roll that around in your cruller for a bit.
Got some good oranges, though.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at March 2, 2006 9:26 PMYou don't have drive-thru liquor stores, Jim? Oh, hell. They rock. You just point into your cup, and say gimme liter dis. Make 'em guess. Of course, they know you better than their own kids, so it's really just a game.
Posted by: Velociman at March 2, 2006 9:32 PMYou, Sir, have a way with the language! Fuckin' beautiful; brings a tear to my eye, it does.
Posted by: Scott at March 2, 2006 9:32 PM... always trust the Chinamen with your laundry... Greeks, well, not so much.... besides, you shouldn't bitch so much... you were born to look like a wrinkled fucker....
Posted by: Eric at March 2, 2006 10:27 PMGreeks and starch are not pedestrian, far more important fare. Must agree with Eric if they are not Chinamen, or a near approximation, your laundry will be a mess. The Greeks excel only at sodomy. To trust them with your starch is a bizarre concept.
Posted by: lambo at March 2, 2006 10:35 PMI HAVE NO FUCKING CHINAMEN HERE! Perhaps someone could import some for me.
Posted by: Velociman at March 2, 2006 11:17 PMWhat? The Bride won't press and starch them for ya? I'm incredulous!
Posted by: Dash at March 2, 2006 11:42 PMChinamen luck everywhere. Just go to the local Chop Suey Hut, hurl your garments at them, and come back two days later to perfection. Free starch from the Greeks just gives them extra jag rags.
Posted by: lambo at March 2, 2006 11:45 PMDash? Hahahahaha! I press my own clothes. When the freaking Greeks screw it up. I am a fucking beast with a can of Easy On sizing.
Posted by: Velociman at March 2, 2006 11:49 PMFuck that. I'll Fedex some down to you, dude. Got an over-abundance of 'em up here. I've gone through about a dozen drycleaners since moving down here. Two were really good but I moved too far away both times. I hate unstarched dress shirts. And there's no way I'm ironing the damned things myself. I don't ask for much....medium starch and DON'T CRUSH THE BUTTONS! But I end up needing a new button every two or three weeks.
Posted by: zonker at March 3, 2006 12:21 AMAlas, Zonk. The steam press makes the buttons brittle. The person who creates the press-resistant button is a rich man, indeed.
Posted by: Velociman at March 3, 2006 6:47 AMIt is essential for me to look good, I need the starch. If the customer is impressed with my crisp cuff and collar, he may not notice by less-than-crisp presentation!
Posted by: hoosierboy at March 3, 2006 9:19 AMDid you really call him Pericles?
Now THAT is funny.
Posted by: steelheader at March 3, 2006 10:59 AMBrokeback Greek Drycleaners? Gotdam. What next?
Posted by: GUYK at March 3, 2006 1:05 PMClassic, this. Which is appropriate, being about Greeks and all.
Look, here's the program:
Greeks: Diners, Connecticut pizza joints, sodomy.
Chinamens: Dry cleaners, restaurants.
Koreans: Dry cleaners, restaurants.
Cross the lines at your own peril.
Where the Greeks get their Diner Operating Expertise is a mystery, but they definitely got it. And in Connecticut, seemingly every pizza joint is run by Greeks - they must've driven the Italians out - and for some inexplicable reason, they cut round pies into square pieces, not wedges. Usedtato drive me fuckin' nuts.
Me, I likes me a leetle starch in my shirts. If I'm going to bother wearing a dress shirt, I want it to feel like a dress shirt. Pericles.
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Posted by: Ed at November 14, 2006 5:10 AMyou know my friend , i'm a greek and i would like to sodomize your sister or your mama too!!
i think you have a very big problem , you are a fascist and racist and more is that you don't know nothing about history of 19 th & 20 th century
all you fucking english, germans & americans and french too ruined my country and made the people poor and miserable and now you come like roman censor !! fuck yourself !!
this country , you idiots , has a deep an ancient culture and you don't know nothing about it ,cause you're a mass media bound people and your knowledge is a kakektipon ( find this word in your english dictionary ) of the real human culture !! what you know about ancient or modern Greece and greeks all over the world ? you make opinion for a nation from the greek miserable immigrant of your neighbourhood.
Greeks and Arabs and Chinese are ancient nations with deep culture and really brilliance!!
you can find it in your country's universities !!
so , go fuck yourself again , i'm tired of you miserable idiotas !!!
Posted by: anton at December 26, 2006 3:24 PM