Velociworld

A LONG TALE

We all know the story of how Henry Stanley, Civil War veteran and newspaper reporter, was outfitted at the behest of the publisher of the New York Herald to lead an expedition to find famed explorer David Livingstone in Darkest Africa in 1871, said Livingstone having vanished in the bowels of the Dark Continent some 7 years earlier, and presumed dead. I'm sorry. I think we are not allowed to say Dark Continent anymore. It is now known as the Land of a Thousand Mugabes.

At any rate, Stanley led an expedition of 2,000 porters, et al (2,000! That a fuckload of biscuits) into the Heart of Darkness in a seven month search for Livingstone, whom he finally found in the remote village of Ujiji.

So that is an incredible story. Has a film ever been made about that? I don't recall one. That would have made a superlative epic 1957 classic.

If the film were made today, though, I'm sure it would be debauched. Rosie O'Donnell would lead an expedition of Doctors Without Borders into the Ugandan jungle to find the makeshift, thatchpatch AIDS clinic Ann Heche was operating on a shoestring, the hundreds of millions of dollars Chimpy McBushitler had earmarked for AIDS relief having been intentionally diverted by the administration to corrupt warlords so that Halliburton could screw some Hottentots out of their fucking oils.

But all would eventually be right, because Hollywood needs red state disposable income. And so Dr. Ann would be moved by the primordial nature of Africa to renounce her lesbianism, and embrace the man of her dreams.

Hey. Maybe a bit of artistic license. Not what I'd make. But pretty sure I'd drop $9 at the matinee to watch it.