January 7, 2006
LIGHTER KNOT
Some folks call it fat lighter, but they are faggots. Faggots, you see, being Old English for logs of wood. Never mind. I call it lighter knot.
The heart of pine sappy impregnated with nitrotoluene shit. What they make gunpowder out of in Woodbine. When they're not blowing themselves up in the process. At any rate, a most conflagraceous material.
So we had an actual Deep Freeze last night in Florida. Meaning 28 degrees, by my nipple erection reckoning. The Velocibride makes me buy firewood (yes, I actually have a fireplace) so that we can warm our boogers. Fine. Now here is the rub:
She wants to start the fire with a chemical log. I got nothing against chem logs. All you need here 354 days of the year. Pretty, burn up clean, would that I could have cleaned up that horrid whore slaying in so clean a fashion. But.
There is always a but.
Chemical logs are a pussy way to build a fire. I like taking a tiny strip of lighter knot and coaxing a fire. It's a testosterone thing.
Like when I was at Cat's the other day. Sitting around the fire, and Georgia and Miss Even Keel are trying to stoke the fire. They're mashing green logs on top of the embers, creating a smoky mess, and generally being nuisances about it. And none of the men exhibited any machismo, and fix it, which I thought was strange, fire being a manhoss thing.
So I bitched a little bit, and rebuilt the logs so that it caught fire. Because, as I mumbled under my breath, fires are all about levels. And updraft. You have to build layers of wood so the updraft makes the wood catch. Why do you think high rises full of retirees burn so sweet? Levels!
So I get the fucking thing burning, then Acidman walks over and drops a log on top of my pyre, then hooks his thumbs under his armpits and brags about his firebuilding prowess. Damned pudknocker.
Anyway, I like lighter knot. And when I'm in an old house, and see paneling made of heart of pine, I think to myself you poor bastards are going to roast when this thing catches fire. Why don't you just panel your house in gasoline?
That's about it. Besides, I'm getting tired of giving away this free content. I should be eking brain droplets out of my ear into glass vials and selling it like crack. You'd buy it. I know you would. Pathetic velocijunkies.
Man has got to have skills, fire-building a must.
Truth be told....those eking droplets of branze could prolly spark a fire in blizzard.
Yep, you did good. But all I wanted from the fire was smoke to keep the damn sand gnats out of my face.
Posted by: GUYK at January 7, 2006 2:43 PMI would buy it for the right price, since I am a po' girl.
Posted by: sadie at January 7, 2006 2:52 PMDamn. I think I've met the one other person who can type who knows what a lighter knot is.
Posted by: og at January 7, 2006 7:54 PMLighter knot?
That's gotta be one of them thar V-man euphemisms.
'Cuz real men start fires with Coleman fuel...
(At least that's how we always did it on our camping excursions...)
Posted by: Jay G at January 7, 2006 9:20 PMWhere I grew up, in the piney woods of Looosiana, we called it "rich lighter." A good loblolly knot could burn for hours all by its own self.
Posted by: Dash at January 7, 2006 9:28 PMWho let women anywhere near an outdoor fire?
Shame, shame, shame.
Did you get them to clean your guns too?
Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant at January 8, 2006 6:57 AMI've got a little pile of Lighter Knot by the fireplace. Yeah. Fat Lighter.
I always use that stuff to get a little glow going in the fireplace...just before I turn on the gas spigot.
'Cause I could spend 45 minutes coaxing a fire out of a pile of seasoned hardwood logs and a piece or two of Fat Lighter...or I could spend 45 seconds on it by using one chunk of Fat Lighter and a leetle Natural Gas. That leaves me roughly 44 minutes more in which I can drink and watch the fire.
Posted by: Elisson at January 8, 2006 7:06 AMyou didn't get it started, I did when I put the twigs on it!
Posted by: livey at January 8, 2006 8:09 PMThat fire got started by Catfish with just one match--and a gallon of diesel fuel
Posted by: GUYK at January 10, 2006 10:02 AMJust one question, how do you chop this stuff? I know you shave it off a little at a time, but is there an easy way. Can't see myself throwing a whole log on one of these new fangled fire boxes we have in a FL home.
Posted by: Dumb at February 6, 2006 10:52 AMI have alot of fat lighter. I would like to sell. If interested email me at
cynthiab@sccoast.net
Posted by: cynthia at February 21, 2006 9:43 AMYou people wouldn't know what a lighter knot was if it was stuck up your ass. Real good lighter knots take time to get the way they burn so good. If you put your nose up to it and it burns your nose then that's good wood.
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Posted by: Ed at November 14, 2006 4:36 AMI would like to know how much to pay for lighter kindling.
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