Velociworld

COCOANUT HEADS

When I was a young tittyboy, perhaps 5 or 6, the family returned from the annual sojourn in Florida with the usual bumps, bruises, and souvenirs. Only this time my older brother was in possession of a cocoanut head. And not any head, but a fearsome, freakish thing. Carved and manipulated to look like Queequeg from Moby Dick, or something. Skinned back head, bugged eyes, it was a fucking scary thing. Sat on his shelf for the next ten years, collecting dust and bad juju.

Very tough for a 12 year old boy to lock himself in his brother's room some years later and masturbate to posters of a semi-nude Bridget Bardot on a Harley and not feel the skeery heat of that cocoanut head burning in his back. Made me a man, though. Iffen it don't kill you, it makes you a fucking pervert. That is my philosophy.

And yet, in a bizarre twist of fate, I don't opine for the semi-nude Bardot, because we all know she became a sun-worshipping encrusted hag who went mental and castrated her neighbor's donkey. Sexy stuff, sure, but. BUT! The cocoanut head stayed with me.


Allow me to cut to the chase: I live in Florida, firmly ensconsed upon the Last Unholy Highway that purveys cheap-assed gimcracks and gewgaws, including, naturally, cocoanut heads.

These heads suck! They are friendly heads. Goofy heads. Silly heads. Clown heads.

No scary cocoanut heads out there. I so want to terrorize my beautiful children, and yet the product ain't out there.

I'm disappointed. I see a market-driven need for horrific heads. I feel the need. Am I wrong?? Does the market for godforsaken screwhead skinned back cocoanut heads exist? I think so, and therefore I'm looking for cocoanuts to mutilate. I'll just do it myself.

I'll give you the fact I could be, incredibly, wrong. But I doubt that.