Velociworld

A BRIEF CONVERSATION WITH GOD

I'm pretty sure this happened, but narcophilia could have played a part. Day is Night, Night is Dog, etc... Plus, I've been taking some leftover Catpills.

I was beckoned to Heaven, for a Reckoning. Laugh, assholes. It wasn't my idea. I always knew those Asians were smart, so I wasn't too upset when I realized God looked just like Keye Luke. Still felt a bit queasy, though, being suborned with racist genes, and all, and having jested about sideways pussy upon occasion.

Did you know in Heaven you sit at the left hand of God? Sure. Because the right hand side is occupied, of course. Jesus called shotgun on that primo slot some millennia back. Speaking of which, Jesus didn't say anything during this convo. He was preoccupied, apparently trying to get a video iPod to work. From where I sat it looked it didn't have any batteries in it, but I said nothing. Humblage, and all.

And so God teed off. Recited in detail my horrific sins. One by one. Starting with a particularly nasty shit as a tot. My fault. Should have held it.

And so the litany went on. Most of these things I didn't even remember, so it was nice to have the sordid past dredged up, like a corpse from a lake.

You know how dreams seem to last three hours, then some Expert tells you that it was only 3.9 seconds of your REM? Well, fuck them.

So I were getting sponged. God is like, a special prosecutor. He holds all the evidence, all the cards. May I say, in this thing that lasted either 3 seconds, or 3 days, that He was furious with me? No sense of humor whatsoever. He was especially sour on the whole Blasphemy thing.

For instance, when I said "Gosh," He thundered that that was a corruption of His sacred name. "Say "fuck" if you must," quothe He, "but lay off the nicknames."

And so I was rebuked, and sent back home to Repent. "Straighten up and fly right," said the Big One.

Me? No pressure whatsoever. Me? Whistling past the graveyard? Never.

Did I mention I didn't see no Mohammed up there? I asked. "He's in the stinky place," said God. As if I knew what that meant.