November 17, 2005
EAR SAP
I believe I've posted about this before, but it has to have been 3 years, and the memory keeps rising, like a chunk of plaque in my femoral artery. So let us revisit.
To set the stage: Nineteen Eighty-something. Little Five Points in Atlanta. Sunday, noonish. I am with the Bride, and my brother and Rankin' Rob, who were living in the Points at that time, as I recall. I don't recall what we did the evening before, but I was suffering a hellish hangover, the kind where you can't spit, the mouth is too dry. So the taste of fecal matter just sticks to the tongue.
We decided, wisely, to partake in a fine repast at Zesto's, a local burger chain reknowned for its liberal offerings of semi-coagulated animal fats.
As we stood in line to order, me swaying uneasily, like the engineers will tell you tall buildings do, you just can't see it, a mechanic from the gas station across the street walked in. He was wearing a welder's cap, and normal in every respect, except for the fact that he had no fucking ears. Where ears should have been he simply had holes in his head. And not nice, round holes either, but holes that looked like they'd been gouged by a small tree branch.
That was pretty sick. But what was worse, what put it beyond the pale, was the fact that the right hole was oozing... treacle! Resin! Tree sap!
Aye, a viscous fluid was seeping out, and had run damned near an inch down the side of his head. Fuck! Bile, meet breath.
I tried not to look, but it was mesmerizing. And when I finally got my order and was seated, I grabbed the catsup to adjust the pH on the fries. And you know what happens when you don't shake the catsup first? Treacle comes out first! Tree sap! Resin! It was as if our boy had leaned over, and allowed some ear sap to drip cunningly upon my fries.
Did I eat them? Oh yes. Did I gag, and have to choke them down? Oh yes.
That poor bastard should have worn ear muffs in a dining establishment. Just saying. I never did find out if those things worked or not. Curious if he could actually hear me retching.
Bitch of a time wearing glasses, that guy.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 17, 2005 8:38 PMWorked with a guy who had lost his nose to cancer and had a similar hole in his face, shaped somewhat like a starfish. It ran too. It was almost always wet. Nicest guy you ever wanted to know, made you sick to look at him.
Posted by: og at November 17, 2005 11:10 PMI guess that guy'd have trouble with glasses too.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 18, 2005 3:23 AMWell, Hoss, you have finally outdone my infamous Ear Wax Post. Beat it like a red-headed stepchild, you did.
Posted by: Elisson at November 18, 2005 10:18 AMVman is king, of course. Or would that be kink?
Posted by: og at November 18, 2005 11:55 AMSomething ain't right with you. Where do you come up with some of this stuff? Gross!
Posted by: Alaska Kim at November 18, 2005 12:18 PMMakes me think of the former CIA disguise man who now uses his multitude of talents to create facial prosthetics for people- ears, noses, etc. I've seen him on several TV shows. Special place in heaven for that guy.
I wonder if he has to create a treacle reservoir in his prosthetic ears...
Posted by: Skwerly at November 18, 2005 2:15 PMStrangely enough, a couple of years later when I lived in Grant Park, the counterman at the Amoco-Beer Store down the block had no ears either. He refused service to the guy in front of me one night, and the guy yelled 'fuck you, you don't have any fuckin' ears!' and stomped out, leaving me next in line to meekly plop my twelve pack on the counter and look away while he made change.
Perhaps there was some weird working-class cult in the neighborhood those days that included sawing off your ears as proof of loyalty. Don't know. Mercifully I did not check any treacle drool.
Posted by: rankin' rob at November 19, 2005 12:23 PMJesus, Vman, where to you get these kooks? or did they let Gramps out of the home too early for Turkey Day?
Posted by: og at November 20, 2005 7:08 AMI used to hear inspired blithering like that when I worked at the Funny Farm. I could sit and listen to those loons for hours, nodding my head and saying mmm-hm, do go on. Better than fighting them into restraints. Those fuckers bit.
Interesting, his email addy, as well. Nosty's name for Hitler, attached to the old prognosticator himself.
That comment is a missive to treasure. The Mind of Madness, laid out right there on the stainless steel table, under the bright lights, for you to pick at as you will. Just don't look too close...
Posted by: Bane at November 21, 2005 8:37 PMSounds like the guy from Wild Wild West movie with the RCA-Victor megaphone on his ear...
Posted by: Madfish Willie at November 22, 2005 3:45 PMIs the V-Man dead?
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