November 15, 2005
PIZZA
Let me go on record now as saying I don't like pizza, unlike 99.9% of the populace. I find it a pedestrian food, cold around the edges, hot enough in the middle to sear the fucking flesh of your upper palate. There is a scientific conundrum around that, but I won't bother to look for it, because I don't care. I hate pizza. Prole food.
Which is not to say I am uninitiated with the product. In college I delivered pizzas for all of two weeks. Domino's. Oh, yes. I not only helped support the grand Papist Scheme to take over the North American continent, I even helped fund some exotic baseball in the process by helping fund the Detroit Tigers.
But that is for another day. Herein the rub: there is no more freakish role than to deliver prefab cardboard masquerading as Italian food at night.
One gets the real feel for the corrupted when one shows up upon a doorstep with a double cheese large. There is a reason for the take out. Sometimes it's because the peeps work so hard. Often, though, it's because the situation is totally fucking disfunctional.
Wait: I forgot to tell you how I got fired: I was scheduled to work, and went on a trip to Cashiers, North Carolina instead. I needed to see some leaves turn. Didn't call in, didn't do fuckit. When I called back in the following Monday to see what my schedule was the owner/proprietor said "Who? Who the fuck are you?"
I deserved that.
Anyhoo, I had some weird scenes. Husbands slapping wives. Wives slapping husbands. Being accused of fucking the wife. And the husband. I had a pizza smashed in my face to teach me not to look at his wife that way. Had a dollar bill tip shredded in my face because I arrived at minute 31, not minute 30. Was kept waiting a half an hour while I distinctly heard sex being performed in the next room. The most bizarro freaks I've ever seen. For a fucking pizza.
Two weeks? A testament to my temperament, I tell ya. There are still three, four houses I need to burn down. My mellow soul does have its limitations. Even 20 years later.
You saw all that in 2 weeks? Damn!
Posted by: Maeve at November 16, 2005 12:01 AMI think I know the feeling (even though I can barely get beyond how sacrilege it is).
Once upon a time....wayyyy before Starbucks existed, I worked at a bohemian coffee house. (This was when people were just beginning to know what espresso was.) I could drink that stuff all day and into the night. Until I got...the job.
After having to prepare, serve, and bus that coffee house...I completely lost my lust for coffee and espresso.
It was years before I could dip my toe back into that black caffeinated sea. And even now, I prefer to drink tea.
Oh, but to lose your lust for Pizza...or worse, to have never developed a lust for Pizza......that's just beyond sad!!
Posted by: Dogsdontpurr at November 16, 2005 2:21 AMHaving been the Good Humor Man one evil summer, I can totally sympathize with the desire to burn something.
Posted by: Elisson at November 16, 2005 6:00 AMYou should never develop an intimate acquaintance with food of any kind. Sours you on the whole deal. I saw jell-o being made once, will never touch the stuff. Ever. Likewise grits. Who was the fool that thought soaking corn in lye would produce something edible?
Posted by: og at November 16, 2005 9:00 AMI blew off the college pizza job for a REM concert on homecoming weekend in '85 or '86. The fuckers let me work the next shift until they had me covered and THEN fired my ass.
I deserved it, too. But that was a damn fine concert.
Posted by: steelheader at November 16, 2005 11:01 AMMy mama use to say, pizza looks like someone has just throwed up on it, nasty ass woman, Cat
Posted by: Catfish at November 16, 2005 11:07 AMTo me, pizza is God's perfect food, everything I like in one serving, with beer. Pizza rolls are divine.
I used to eat at this (non-chain) pizza joint in Napa that would take a fat Hebrew National hot dog, wrap in mozzerella, then pizza dough, then brush it with garlic butter and parmesan...better than sex, I tell you.
Posted by: Bane at November 16, 2005 11:20 AMProles gotta eat, to, ya know.
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at November 16, 2005 12:26 PMBane: Better than sex? I don't think you're doing it right then.
Posted by: og at November 16, 2005 12:32 PMYou'd have to be there. It's not proper to moan when you eat phallic food in public, but I had my beard with me so it was okay. Oh, she hates it when I call her that!
Posted by: Bane at November 16, 2005 3:21 PMPizza is ok...I hate mexican food...love mexican women but their food sucks. It is all slop. Globs of shredded and squished stuff overcooked and thrown on top of or into flattened corn meal. yuk i say
Posted by: radicalbright at November 16, 2005 3:56 PMBane, you are one sick fuck. I need to buy you a beer or nine someday.
Posted by: og at November 16, 2005 6:44 PMI guess this is why they make pink VW's. SOMEbody buys that shit.
Brussel sprouts, for example. Satan's very own turds, yet there they are, in the store, offending me by the very sight of them.
Were I limited to only one kind of food, I would choose Mexican.
And why yes, og, yes you may, thank you so much. I am out of beer as we speak. Buy away!
Posted by: Bane at November 16, 2005 9:28 PMPlease don't come to Jersey and say you don't like pizza. I believe they kill people here for saying shit like that.
Oh, and Domino's ain't pizza.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 16, 2005 10:26 PMI delivered pizzas once and it is possible to see all of that in two weeks. Except, I did it for about 6 months. I saw all kinds of strange shit. Only caught my car on fire once from the sterno powered warmer we kept the pizzas in.
Posted by: Titan Mk 6B at November 22, 2005 3:02 PM