September 17, 2005
BEE TROUBLE
I gots no limes.
I have four citrus trees: a Satsuma Mandarin orange, a Valencia orange, a lemon, and a key lime. Every year one of these blokes goes fruitless.
Now I'll be the first to admit I don't know a damned thing about horticulture, other than you plant, you reap. And, given the opportunity, your mother will make you crawl on your hands and knees with a Maxwell House jar and collect potato bugs.
Last year the Valencia failed to bear fruit. This year, despite prodigious growth, the key lime is fruitless.
It bore wonderful blossoms in the spring, harbingers of great fruits, and yet nothing actually grew.
I'm thinking it's the bees. I think I have lazy, slothful bees. I believe they have been Africanized. Killer bees. Instead of flying from plant to plant, shrub to shrub, spreading the fecund bounty of pollen collected against their shins like goat leggings, they are ensconsed in the hive, watching cockfights on pirated cable. Just a theory.
And I am sure my commenters, my Downs Intrepids, will weigh in with all sorts of reasons why I am an idiot, and here is how you solve this. You know who you are. Between licking the windows of the short bus and urinating yourselves you somehow manage to point out my shortcomings. Well, have at it. Please tell me why I will not have copious fruits to make key lime pie with. Then go back to exploring your genitalia. Thank you. That is all.
lots of flowering fruit trees have to have kindred to bear. Cherry trees need to be pollenated by other cherries, for instance. I wouldn't be surprised if it were lack of the proper atmospheric conditions during peak pollenating time.
Posted by: og at September 17, 2005 5:43 PMThese are definite self-producers, Og. Onanists, as it were. Hard to find citrus that need a mate down here.
Posted by: Velociman at September 17, 2005 5:47 PMAfricanized, then slothful, huh?
Oh, my.
; )
Posted by: Chrissy at September 17, 2005 6:17 PMExploring my genetalia? Feh, I fully mapped that territory long ago. I can find my way around with my eyes closed.
See ya later, non-pollenator.
Posted by: Bane at September 17, 2005 6:21 PMGreat yield every other year, that's how it's always been for me.
Posted by: Bullseye at September 17, 2005 7:10 PMLet me tell you 'bout the africanized bees
and the dryers and the sinks
and non-pollenated trees...
and the short-bus geeks.
" Onanists, as it were"
then it must just be that the trees are taking turns fucking with you.
Not surprising, really.
Good info, I didn't know that about citrus I'm only really familiar with the northern fruit bearers. Like Oprah.
Posted by: og at September 17, 2005 7:32 PMYour just not the fruity kind,,,,, what can I tell ya... to much macho for he fruit trees... either that or you don't know shit about growing crap..
Posted by: jamesoldguy at September 17, 2005 9:05 PMChrissy seems to think I'm making a racial statement. Not. Now, if these were Nawlins limes...
Posted by: Velociman at September 17, 2005 9:42 PMThe lack of the proper atmospheric conditions.
You knew that, right?
Posted by: Yabu at September 17, 2005 11:57 PMNo limes? I thought everyone in Florida had limes.
Posted by: sadie at September 18, 2005 6:40 AMQuit peeing on the tree, go in the house and start peeing on the rubber plant.
Posted by: BeeBee at September 18, 2005 9:41 AMDude, it's your neighbors. They're stealing the limes. Good news is, they make a damned fine pie.
I thinks I'll have me a nice hunkin' slice o' key lime pie now.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Pie.
Mehbe if you'll plant a coulpe more the limey bastages wouldn't have to pick the tree clean to make a pie and dered be some leff ober fo da VEE-Man.
Posted by: phin at September 18, 2005 3:55 PMYou put da lime in da coconut, you drink em bote up...
Posted by: Bane at September 18, 2005 4:18 PMWe all are cursed. Me? Retarded commenters. Why don't you fucking spazzes just piss on my Valencia? Nip it! In the bud! Umm... Bud...
Posted by: Velociman at September 18, 2005 5:58 PMIt's your Valencia, you pee on it.
Posted by: BeeBee at September 18, 2005 6:54 PM"I'm thinking it's the bees. I think I have lazy, slothful bees. ... they are ensconsed in the hive, watching cockfights on pirated cable."
Evocative -- If you hadn't added the "just a theory" at the end I'd have called it paranoid.
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Don't you hear the soft putter of a chainsaw, there, just beyound the door? RUN!!! Save youself!!
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