September 13, 2005
HARSHING MY MALLOW
I read the other day about a man who went berserk upon hearing certain words. I believe "New Jersey" was one of the terms, although this is no poke at the Garden State. This insane bastard had an entire litany of words that sent him on homicidal rampages.
By way of saying I would think that is nuts, however I must confess a dark secret: the word marshmallow triggers similar blind rage in me.
Perhaps it is because I can't stand the things. Look:
Main Entry: marsh·mal·low
Pronunciation: 'märsh-"me-lO, -"ma-
Function: noun
1 : a pink-flowered European perennial herb (Althaea officinalis) of the mallow family that is naturalized in the eastern U.S. and has a mucilaginous root sometimes used in confectionery and in medicine
2 : a confection formerly made from the root of the marshmallow but now usually made from corn syrup, sugar, albumen, and gelatin beaten to a light spongy consistency; also : a piece of partially dried marshmallow
See? There really is such a thing as a marshmallow. From Europe (naturally). Pink (naturally). Mucilaginous (naturally).
Well, I don't care for them. Gooey, sugary crap a scoutmaster gives you to place on the end of a stick, and they enflame! Then you're supposed to eat that charred shit, it alternately burning your upper palate and dribbling sinuously down your chin. And the worst part? They tell you afterwards that's dinner. Eight marshmallows, boy, and be happy to get them.
Fuck the marshmallow. Even if it is pronounced marshmellow. They call it that to lull you into a false sense of security. It's a fucking mallow, all right. Don't buy the spin.
Full disclosure: I was raised on Jet Puffed marshmallows, not that Stay-Puft shit. So there is no fear of giant mallowmonsters corrupting my thought processes.
At any rate, the mere sight of the word marshmallow, or the vision of one, makes me grind my teeth, and scratch my armpits.
Next week: S'Mores: Lucifer's Campside Treat?
If you use an old car aerial to roast your marshmallows, you can bend the antenna back and fling a flaming mallow ten, twelve feet. When it lands in your scoutmasters hair, which catches fire leaving him bald on one side, and giving him 3rd degree burns above his left ear, you get out of that scouting obligation posthaste. No, I have no idea how I know that.
Posted by: og at September 13, 2005 10:55 PMI hate the fuckin' things too.
Even worse: Marshmallow Fluff, the oozing lymphatic systems of marshmallows, rendered down and bottled, ostensibly as a Sandwich Spread.
Feh.
Posted by: Elisson at September 13, 2005 11:27 PMOg's comment reminded me of the main reason I enjoyed the movie "The New Guy"...watching Lyle Lovett catch a flaming marshmallow right in his eye socket. Beautiful.
Posted by: zonker at September 13, 2005 11:54 PMI figure that the guy who goes bonkers at the sound of the words "New Jersey" must be a not-from-here-guy who once found himself on a Sunday summer evening "traveling" on the Garden State Parkway - Northbound.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at September 14, 2005 3:31 AM"Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned ... step by step ... inch by inch ..."
I flipped a flaming one, quite by accident of course, onto the lips of another boy I didn't much care for. When all was said and done, he looked like he'd sucked off a bus. I've seen napalm wounds that didn't look as bad.
Posted by: Bane at September 14, 2005 1:42 PMApostates all!
A fav line as a child (from a 20s or 30s New Yorker cartoon): To wit to woo, Has everyone marshmallows?
Jet Puffed and Stay-Puft are both crap.
I remember the Campfire ones that came in little cellophane-wrapped cardboard flats, carefully kept apart by lots of powdered sugar with a wee bit of cornstarch in it.
They were best a bit stale.
Now I make like Martha Stewart and make my own.
Smores Rock! I don't mind toasted mallows, but prefer Smores. At Thanksgiving, our family gets together with another couple. The woman makes a DIVINE sweet tater cassserole including mallows. I look forward to it every year.
Posted by: nancy at September 20, 2005 11:14 AM