August 31, 2005
WHY I SPEND MY SUNDAYS BY THE POOL
What is it about a clapboard church in the country, where they keep the windows closed during a sweltering summer Sunday lest the fucking Devil sneak in, that the pasteboard and popsicle stick fans are always supplied by the local funeral parlor? Was the hardware store too damned heathen to pony up some fans?
Sweltering, I say. Listening to an obviously deranged individual hurl the fire, the brimstone at your ass, and all you can think is I have to pee, dammit, and communion is a pellet of rabbit food and grape juice, because Jesus could drink wine, but you fuckers would turn into fornicators, rapers, and dope fiends should fermented beverage pass your lips.
Potato salad sitting in the trunk, toxic. Ice tea at the boiling point. Body odor. Sweat. Guilt. Getting your ear yanked for pulling out a pocket knife during service to clean Saturday's filth from your fingernails.
Being told "We don't sing Jesus Loves the Little Children because it mentions black children".
No, Sundays are Cuba Libre days for me now. My icon a swizzle stick. Although I must confess even I won't watch porn of a Sunday. Old habits die hard. I will perform porn. I just won't watch it.
Oh I just LOVED this...ya know I got one them fans on a stick still...it's from a funeral parlor too...on the backside is about 20 sets of lips...I tried on granny's red lipstick when I was little and I kissed the back of that fan the whole time we was in church one Sunday..that dang lipstick is still on the fan... :)
Posted by: Sandy at September 1, 2005 4:43 AMI prefer to watch the race and commune with my lovely family as I prepare the hangover cure from the Saturday night revelries.
Posted by: Kelly at September 1, 2005 7:51 AMMy god, is every Baptist church the same. My brother and agitating the other after the first half hour until the old man gave us "the look" then trying to make Nancy Gottier giggle. Yea, we had the fans too.
Personally I worship on the golf course of my choice these days, commune with the golf gods whom if taken seriously seem to have a more calming effect than Jehovah ever had.
Posted by: Dishonorable Schoolboy at September 1, 2005 10:19 AMYou won't watch it on Sundays, but you're perform it. Will you film it on Sundays? Oh wait. Don't answer that... I'm not sure I want to know.
Posted by: Bou at September 1, 2005 10:22 AMA man's gotta have his standards, I tell ya! Cuba Libres and Sunday Afternoon Delights are a respected tradition in Florida, aren't they?
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