August 15, 2005
WHIG OUT
I've written before, way backawhen, of my desire to restart the Whig Party, and I recently invited Ophelia to join, because, well, she seems rather disaffected with the two-party system.
And who isn't? I, for one, have no respect for a party that cannot properly abuse authority when it is given to them on a silver platter. I casted my vote to see an M1A1 Abrams tank level that mosque up in Mandarin, because I've heard rumours they spew messages of vile hate at prayer. Or recipes for couscous. I forget.
At any rate, I thought I should flesh out the platform a bit. Pander a bit to every demographic. So here is the working document:
The indiscriminate slaying of Islamofascists on a global scale. Possibly convert a smaller Moslem nation, say Syria, to Zoroastrianism, or something effete like that. I would prefer we use lasers, too, if that is possible. Feasibility study.
Cheap oil. Whore cheap. Cheap as in Bahrain is the 51st state. Nuclear power plants. Face it, if the China Syndrome occurs, where's that ball of nuclear fury exiting? China! And we're going to have to deal with them eventually, anyway. THAT would be a shot across the bow.
Continue to watch North Korea starve to death. Eventually they will tire of a diet of pebbles and grass, and sell those nukes to us at cut-rate prices.
Drop kick every illegal alien my police state forces could nab back across the border. Get papers, assholes, and you can pony up the taxes with the rest of us. Except for the maids. I envision a "Consuela worker permit", because they are hot.
Conversion of the UN building into a Hotel Intercontinental, or Ritz-Carlton. I would like a Stuckey's inside, as I am an egalitarian. Never lose your roots.
Legalization of all drugs except for heroin, crystal meth, and crack (methadone, si!).
Packing the Supremes with justices who don't care what two people do behind closed doors. What do I care what you heathens do? I'm a damned sodomite myself. Just, different. And quit bragging about it from the pulpit, willya?
Elimination of the IRS, and the summary execution of anyone proven to be, or having been, in their gainful employment. And fuck the Fair Tax, and the Flat Tax. We need money? We should take it from France.
A Constitutional Amendment requiring congressmen to dig at least three graves a year. Senators would have to dig six. It is noble work, people. For those with bad backs I suggest working the oven at a crematorium.
The extermination of manatees. No one really likes sea cows. They are ugly as holy hell, slothful, mate like narcoleptics, damage your propeller, and create unnecessary No Wake zones.
The erection of a Clint Eastwood Museum and petting zoo in Yulee, Florida. Sure, it should be in Carmel, but I couldn't visit as often. A special interactive room devoted to Tuco, with holograms and virtual reality gunfights.
A federal law prohibiting the singing of "Old Black Joe" at blogmeets. Nobody sings it like me, and I refuse to. It is unseemly.
My plate is full here. A work in progress, as I say, and that would be one hell of a convention. Held, of course, at a replica of the Kremlin, to be built at party expense in Xenia, Ohio (home of the 1974 state football champion Tornadoes).
Where do I send the check?
Posted by: rightisright at August 15, 2005 10:30 PMHoly shit! Velociman for President!
No, scratch that. Velociman for Dictator For Life! I can see it now...the Little White House at Cassadega...the Pentagon made a Dodecahedron and moved to the Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not Museum at St. Augustine...tax-free boob-jobs...compulsory "Bamboo Bong 101" classes in every public school...and a pupgullion in every pot.
Fucking sweet.
Posted by: kelley at August 15, 2005 10:53 PMSign my ass up. Brain to follow.
"The erection of a Clint Eastwood Museum and petting zoo in Yulee, Florida." Good, but the Museum of the Clint Eastwood Erection might be even better.
And Stuckey's. Stuckey's! Dayum!
I can hear it now, the Velociman-fer-President Slogan! "A Pecker in Every Poon, and a Pecan Log Roll in Every Hole!"
Posted by: Elisson at August 15, 2005 10:59 PMKelley: I think I've found my campaign manager. And chief of staff.
Elisson: you're the Fixer. Just don't let any of that shit get traced back to me.
Posted by: Velociman at August 15, 2005 11:02 PMI'll vote for that. Twice!
Posted by: zonker at August 15, 2005 11:04 PMI'll write a fat contribution check if I can be your "Harem Prospect Vaginal Passage Compatibility Inspector".
I am, of course, assuming, from your stature (worldlike, bloggy and general), the Velocitool is somewhat akin to a prehensile sea cucumber.
Posted by: rightisright at August 15, 2005 11:11 PMSir: we do not discuss the Velocitool here. That is what your comments area is for.
Posted by: Velociman at August 15, 2005 11:20 PMNow *there's* a platform I can support! Especially taxing France to pay for our utopia. We would need to make them work harder though. *And* force them to bathe at least once a week.
Posted by: Desert Cat at August 15, 2005 11:29 PM'Sign my ass up. Brain to follow.' Soon as MY ass quits rolling on the floor you can sign it up too. I'm SO sick of having no viable choice in elections I can't decide which party not to belong to! Chimpy Bush McHitler (!!!) -- impeach his sorry ass or run against baby brother next term ... you'd have my vote in a flash. I'd even come and lick stamps for you.
What the hell are you going to do about California?
Posted by: james old guy at August 16, 2005 6:53 AMCalifornia is the Party insane assylum.
Nothing need be done, really, except to install some gates.
Posted by: og at August 16, 2005 8:10 AMi suggest k-noh=lah=der=rur=ven for our campaign slogan...and i'm so in i stayed up all night sticking velociman 08 stickers all over the neighborhood.. you can do this, vman..don't let us down...
Posted by: shoe at August 16, 2005 8:11 AMYou can sing DIXIE for us then, Cat
Posted by: Catfish at August 16, 2005 8:39 AMI'm in, although I would cut the manatees some slack. I especially like the idea of Congress being forced to dig graves.
Posted by: rankin' rob at August 16, 2005 9:24 AMWhy the hell should France get all the privilege of paying for our needs and desires. Make the rest of Europe pay their tribute too. The Romans were really onto something with that idea. Besides, we'll need the extra money to pay for all the explosives used to bast every mosque on the planet to another planet. There are a lot of them.
Posted by: snort at August 16, 2005 10:09 AMI want Secretary of War, or I shall hop up my troops on Viagra and cocaine and let them loose to pillage in a neighborhood near you. On you.
My only policy will be to exterminate anyone who does not touch a forelock or curtsy when Old Glory goes by.
I want the world encircled by pilotless drones, and space lasers, and I'll randomly vaporize fuckers, just to keep folks on their toes.
Posted by: Bane at August 16, 2005 10:59 AMI Sir, am now a firm member of the Whig Party. You forgot to mention Beer! and Bacon! We must do our best eat and drink all beer and bacon in the world so the Islamos do not hate us.
Posted by: hoosierboy at August 16, 2005 11:01 AMI'm a little worried about myself now. It all sounds so good to me and somehow the right thing to do.
It's the Stuckey's that did it, I have passion for Stuckey's.
Posted by: BeeBee at August 16, 2005 11:44 AMAin't it a Peter Fonda museum going up in Yulee?
Let's put Uncle Clint's place in my daddy's hometown: WaKulla. They could use the revenue to propell themselves out of the Great Depression.
Posted by: Chai-rista at August 16, 2005 12:46 PMFor my part, I'd like a pussy in every pot. And gimme a link, got-dammit!
Posted by: James Hooker, Ace of Aces at August 16, 2005 2:44 PMYou got ne with doing away with the no wake zones. where do I sign up? Can I help shoot the manatees? Doesn't Hillary Clinton look like a manatee to you?
Posted by: GUYK at August 16, 2005 2:44 PMMmmmmmm....manatees! Tasty!
When you're president, will you also have all those stupid manatee statues around Jax removed? Those of us in St.Augustine could fund the entire state education budget by taxing all the manatee bric-a-brac, too. Anyway, you got my vote!
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at August 16, 2005 3:14 PMCount me in. Make buttons. Move the capital to Montana. Give pigs the right to vote.
Posted by: Pig at August 16, 2005 8:46 PMIf given free reign to rule North and South Kakilakistan with an iron fist I will ensure you that funds will be available for expansion of all military bases in said states.
I will in turn need a gallon of Blanton’s and a case of blasting caps to provide the tipping point for my uprising. Viagra not required for other uprisings.
Waiting for orders.
Here's a Campaign Slogan for your ass. Suitable for th' Sidebar!
"Put the 'Dick' in 'Dictator' - Vote V!"
Posted by: Elisson at August 16, 2005 10:35 PMThanks for the link, Velociman. I hate to be a wet blanket, but two words of caution: 1) Beware the Ides of August - when Caesar was declared Dictator for Life, he was asassinated the next day. 2) Please, please don't put any of the "holla backs" on your cabinet!
Posted by: ophelia at August 17, 2005 12:42 AMYou know, we could pile up those manatee corpses and set them on fire.
Yep.
A Bonfire of the Manatees.
Posted by: og at August 17, 2005 6:31 PMV-man: what's the official language of Whiggy going to be?
And Og: damn glad I live several mountain ranges away, the tsunami from that thudding pun prolly made over top of at least two mountains.
Posted by: Rivrdog at August 17, 2005 9:26 PMSadly, it's all just a big dream.
Posted by: Kalafan at August 19, 2005 3:12 AM