June 22, 2005
GOD BLOWTORCHED MY ASS
Not like me to put up three shit-themed posts in a row. Well, maybe it is.
I awakened to one of those 24 hour stomach viruses today, wherein at 6 AM I was evacuating shit-gruel, and not just once. Every 15 to 20 minutes I would get a stabbing pain in my abdomen, like I'd been shivved in a prison lovers' quarrel, and have to hie to the Throne of Contemplation. I mostly contemplated what the fuck was coming out of my ass.
But, like the Chicken-footed Lady, or Lobster Boy, I knew the show must go on, so I made it to work, where I proceeded to make about 11 trips to the bathroom to perfect my Old Faithful imitation. Aye, the Velocirectum was a steaming geyser, sulphurous, routine as traffic light, regular as methadone addict.
I would like to say, however, that unlike some goddamned freaks, I had the dignity to keep my mouth shut as my Yellowstoned ass erupted yet again.
Imodium helped in that Old Faithful ramped back to once an hour between 11AM and 2PM, but I am a washed out wreck. I guzzled Gatorade, popped aspirin, snuck away and slept in my car for an hour, just so I could fantasize about Diane Rehm with my asshole apucker, enflamed, en fuego.
Not my best day. I'll be to bed soon, as I have two days of training starting tomorrow, and I'm completely and ashamedly out of corks.
Why yes, I would like help out to my car with my groceries, young man. And whatever is that fucking smell? Let me talk to your manager!
Posted by: Bane at June 22, 2005 10:07 PMDrink gatorade dude.
Posted by: livey at June 23, 2005 12:30 AMWhy, I declare that there is only one thing worse that the ol' Hershey Squirts. You know: Cacadribble.
And that is Diarrhea after a serious meal of (your choice of) Indian, Korean, or Thai food.
Johnny Cash, the Man in Black his ownself couldn't handle that Ring of Fire...
Posted by: Elisson at June 23, 2005 1:12 AMI did the samr thing last week, I thought my asshole was coming out of my mouth, hope you feel better, you and Donna still coming? Cat
Posted by: Catfish at June 23, 2005 1:35 AMEverybody gotta blame the bad stuff on the Good Lawd. He's only trying to get the demon out of you...
Posted by: Key at June 23, 2005 11:48 AMThe Walking Horse sphincter desert you? Damn shame, that is.
Posted by: bitterman at June 23, 2005 12:34 PMShock a friend. Can't remember who, either Jay Leno or Brad Pitt or George Clooney but one of 'em was playing a joke on their friend by leaving a long human one in the catbox. Pretty sure it was Clooney.
Posted by: Vermont Neighbor at June 24, 2005 6:30 PMJust the thought of this makes me want to do the crabwalk in a shallow pool of cool yogurt.
Posted by: Anna at June 26, 2005 5:10 AM"........I'll be to bed soon, as I have two days of training starting tomorrow....."
Disgustingly (me disgusting not you LOL), I misread this as "two days of straining"....
hey, after reading about your consumption of Imodium in mass quantities, one only just begins to realize that there may be some errr...hard days ahead!
Good luck with that! If it ain't one thing it's the other.
Posted by: PattiG at June 26, 2005 11:20 PM