Velociworld: HOW TO TRAIN A FETCH MONKEY

May 23, 2005

HOW TO TRAIN A FETCH MONKEY

Here's a basic primer on training organ grinder monkeys. First you break their spirit, of course.

Nothing about cymbal banging, unfortunately.

Posted by Velociman at May 23, 2005 10:55 PM

Comments

Wrap the little buggers in plastic, then beat them mercilessly with a sawed-off broomstick. Repeat until meat is tender.

Posted by: torchpraise at May 24, 2005 8:46 AM

Wow,...that is a truly unpleasant piece of information.

The little monkey is beaten into a quivering sulking shell.

I am glad I am not a monkey.

Posted by: bleedingbrain at May 24, 2005 3:18 PM

Where are the other intructions? The one's where the trick is not to train the monkey's to perform but to fly, and preferably out of one's own ass. Perhaps while they are holding a strand of spider's web in one hand and tipping their fez hat with the other.

Posted by: vinny at May 24, 2005 8:56 PM

It's all about the monkey....

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THE DAMN MONKEY??

Posted by: Dana at May 25, 2005 6:04 PM

Hey Monkey Boy...you ain't right!!!

Posted by: Yabu at May 25, 2005 6:05 PM

(Knock knock)

Yooohooo, Velociman?

Posted by: sadie at May 26, 2005 1:51 PM

At first I hated the collar, but after a while I grew to anticipate its bite with a grudging eagerness. Learning to snatch the coppers was easy, as soon as I figured out what Papa Mario wanted of me, though I constantly fought the desire to hold onto the shiny pieces of metal.

But if he makes me wear that fucking fez one more time, I'm gonna bite him right in the 'nads...

Posted by: Elisson at May 26, 2005 4:40 PM