Velociworld

I AM VELOCIGOD

Quake before me, and ignore my Commandments at your own peril. For the sake of convenience I summarize below:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me...

Note my judicious use of the lower case "g" here. That is because I have a certain aversion, if you will, to lightning bolts, pestilence, boils, and the plague. No, I speak here of demigods, such as Bono, Lance Armstrong, and Oprah. Ye worship them at your own risk.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image...

The sole exception here being Velocigod, of course. And if you must sculpt your own graven image of me I suggest using Michelangelo's David as a model, although he's a little skinny on the manmeat. It's the closest thing I've seen to the real deal. No, I mean no figures of Baal, or golden calves, even the kind with the convenient orifices. I will melt them down, and make you drink it.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Velocigod in vain...

This would include such phrases as "VMan, you gonna pick up that check?" and "I need a kidney, Velocigod, and they say you're a perfect match." I am easily insulted, for I am a vengeful and jealous Velocigod. Buy my liquor and get on dialysis and we shall get along famously.

4. Remember the sabbath day, and to keep it holy...

Actually, we have two sabbath days a week in Velociworld: Wednesday and Saturday. These are colloquially known as "Lotto Day". When the collection plate comes your way, please feel free to use your favorite numbers, your birthday, or even a random quick pick. I also enjoy Fantasy Five. And, please: no cursing on Lotto Day.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother...

This goes without saying. They sacrificed to raise your worthless hide, you addlepated dope fiend. Show some damned respect. Lookit how Velocigod treats the Senator, and let that be your spiritual guide.

6. Thou shalt not kill...

Velocigod's buzz, comment thread, or sense of humor. Also: other people, and the beautiful woodland creatures. Except the tasty ones. That excludes raccoons, squirrels, and opossums, by the way. The Velocipalate is not that sophisticated.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery...

Because that would be Wrong, and Bad. You may, however, pleasure yourself to pictures of Velocigod, if you must. I believe Vatican II actually condoned this behavior. As information, the limited edition autographed glossies are $29.95. Available only through e-mail.

8. Thou shalt not steal...

Velocigod's thunder, ideas, or... well, see Commandment 7. The monkeys are off limits, as well. And the Mutant. Tuco is, unfortunately, in the public domain.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor...

They are hard-working immigrants, not cum-crazed Asian slurp-sluts. You can be sued for such slander. Velocigod wants everyone to Just Get Along. I don't wield lightning bolts, but I have a pretty cool Taser, and I have no compunction against using it.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife...

Let's just say Velocigod has to be proactive in one area of these admonishments. Mind your P's and Q's. I'll handle this one myself.

See? It's really not so hard being in a cult. I even let you speak to other family members, especially if they will send monies for the essential Lotto tickets, the emollient that makes the Velociwheel go 'round.

Next week: the Velocieucharist. Hint: I eschew wine for more formidable potables.