January 24, 2005
Tapiring Off
This is a tapir:
Description:
Although tapirs are often mistaken for pigs and anteaters, they're in the odd-toed hooved animal family (perissodactyls), as are the horse and rinocerous. All four species of tapir are endangered. The Malay tapir (shown below) is native to Asia, where its natural enemies are the tiger and man. The largest tapir, the Malay tapir weighs up to 800 pounds. It also has the most dramatic coloration, with black shoulders, head, and legs and a white band around the body. The Mountain, Baird and Brazillian tapirs are native to South America, and all are solid black or black- brown. All baby tapirs have light colored, horizontal, watermelon like stripes, but these disappear by adulthood.
I've always liked tapirs. Like peccaries, toucans, and lemurs, they were present at the genetic evolutionary crossroads, and took the path least taken.
So when I visited the Memphis Zoo, and saw they had tapirs, I hastened the family over to see them. Imagine my mortification.
This bull tapir had an organ that was so prodigious it dragged the ground. Not only that, it had three splines, or outgrowths, that made it resemble some sort of medieval weapon, like a morning star or something. It was incredibly repulsive, and so I covered the little girls' eyes, and whisked them away to see the 1 day old baby giraffe, who could not yet stand up of its own.
I envied that thing, of course, as any man would, but I also realized: how would you deploy that? Not to worry, of course. There will always exist a subset of women who would attempt the tapir phenomenon. Just to tell their friends. But God. What a conversation piece at the work urinal. Posted by Velociman at January 24, 2005 8:41 PM
You, are fucking hilarious, and good on ya.
Posted by: mudmarine at January 24, 2005 10:01 PMWe have Collared Peccaries running wild around here. The Mexicans call them Javalinas. We call them target practice.
Posted by: Dash at January 24, 2005 10:41 PMI'll take that as a compliment, Queenie. Or as a querulous take on where I stack up against the tapir. I can only say the tapir was subdued. Shamed, even.
Posted by: Velociman at January 24, 2005 10:44 PMFuck me running if they aren’t related to pigs. They taste just like em.
Posted by: dbltap at January 25, 2005 12:18 AM... thank God for that "certain subset"...
Posted by: Eric at January 25, 2005 6:45 AMYou're not a Marine are you V-man?
Kid's fairy tale: "Once upon a time......"
Marine sea story: "No shit, this really happened......"
I'm betting the zoo could charge an extra fee for admission to watch Three Prong Dong mate.
Posted by: Key at January 25, 2005 12:08 PMWhat? No pictures?
Posted by: rightisright at January 25, 2005 1:55 PMBeing an intrepid dude, I located a photo of the awe inspiring tapir schlong. Can't see the splinage, though. Without further ado, behold the splendor:
http://park15.wakwak.com/~bakunchi/m_baku/keith/003.jpg
Guess I need to make that 45 minute or so trip over to Memphis and check it out. LOL
Posted by: Danielle at January 25, 2005 2:53 PMThis post needs a "do not take a sip of your drink before reading" warning. (I could say, "I nearly choked" but not in reply to THIS post.)
Posted by: Adam Lawson at January 25, 2005 4:43 PM.. ok... admit it.. how many of you bastards followed Rightisright's link to the tapir schlong?... heh.. you should all be ashamed of yourselves... God knows, I am..
Posted by: Eric at January 25, 2005 6:07 PMI don't get it.
Posted by: Sadie at January 25, 2005 7:21 PMTapirs are cute.
Posted by: david at January 25, 2005 9:18 PMEver see a Clydesdale's appendage? It's the size of a two year old child. It's also the reason that I was asked to vacate the Budweiser wagon area of Seaworld. Apparently I was not as subtle in my admiration as I thought.
Posted by: LeeAnn at January 26, 2005 1:50 PMNo really. I don't get it. Help V-Man!
Eh..nevermind...i'll just live in my little clueless bubble over here.
Posted by: sadie at January 26, 2005 3:48 PM