Velociworld

Skunk Apes and Alibis

A Florida woman had an encounter with an infamous skunk ape the other day down to Lakeland. By all accounts a normal, sane, upscale suburbanite housewife. The sort of person one would refuse to doubt.

She was driving down a lonely stretch of rural road, and saw it in a ditch. They made eye contact. It stank of holy hell.

Now, despite being a conspiracy theorist, I keep a heavy rucksack of skepticism on me for sightings like this. The only cryptozoological creature I am aware of that needs the old Linnaeus taxonomy laid on it is the Mutant, but he refuses. He is a Phylum elitist in this regard. No pigeonholing.

So may I posit an alternate scenario? Miss Coiff comes home from a sordid encounter with a roofer, and as she passes by hubby he says, "That's a funny smell."

Quick: reaction. "Yes, honey. I encountered a skunk ape in the ditch on Old Jessup Road. The details are vague, and yet his spoor clung to me like a cheap Fashion Bug suit." And there you have it. Hubby calls Channel 4, and the rest, as they say...

No, I will not link the numerous digital versions of this story. I don't want to have hubby on my ass. Of course, they'll probably find this anyway, as a touch of local celebrity brings out the eponymous Google whore in all of us.

That's okay, though. I need a good asskicking about once a year, and it would actually be pretty cool to get it from a guy for a change.

The other possibility? Some good ole boy with a surplus monkey suit and a bag of swine shit and an available ditch decided to fuck with somebody.

Nor may I discount the third possibility: she and the skunk ape saw a roofer in a ditch over by Lover's Lane.